She clearly hasn't read my list.

We've all done it. Woken up early on a Saturday morning, hair tousled, breath that probably counts as a form of chemical weaponry, half- (or fully) naked, with the realization that you don't recognize those walls. Then, of course, you roll over. Someone's looking at you from the other side of the bed. And you know that you have a Walk of Shame rapidly approaching.

My male friends never seem to mind this situation; between the lower standards for male grooming and the wonderful double standards about female sexual activity, all they need is a strut and a smile to be on their way. Penn women, on the other hand, know that we'll see everyone we've ever met, including professors, future employers, and random exes, during that never ending walk.

So here I present you the Walk of Pride Kit, full of useful schtuff to calm that moment of panic. A friend suggested that I hang out on Locust at ten a.m. on a Saturday morning to get the scoop from real live Walk-of-Shame-ers, but, luckily, I'm not quite that mean. (Or, fine, awake and coherent at that time of morning.) Thank your favorite deity.

Without further ado:

Mini mouthwash - because it's weird to bring a toothbrush.
Travel hairbrush - because complicated Friday night hair will not last the night
Cute flats - because the heels always give it away.
Ipod - because then you look like you actually want to be awake and dragging your ass across campus.
Mini deodorant - because dancing and sexing all night probably did away with your ladylike fresh scent.

So there you have the basics. This should all fit in a medium-sized purse - as useful as it would be to fill a rolling suitcase with a full change of clothes, shampoo, and every beauty product you own, it's pretty hard to pass that off as a party accessory. Throw back some mouthwash, change your shoes, and walk across campus with your head held high - after all, whoever might be judging you certainly didn't have a night as good as yours.

Under the Button appears ever Tuesday and Friday.