Don’t let the byline fool you, this article comes not from the mind of John Kneeland.

No, John Kneeland’s mind, much like yours, has long since checked out for spring break, leaving his body behind with the unfortunate task of finishing up the week’s schoolwork and writing the rant du jour in the traditional Kneelandian fashion. Without the aforementioned brain, all John’s fingers can do is regurgitate spring break advice learned through years of experience in pushing the envelope of irresponsibility:

• Make sure you’ve been working out for weeks to look good for all the shallow beautiful people you’ll meet. Oops, too late.
  If your group rents a van and you have more passengers than seats, using a lawn chair as an extra seat is a very poor idea.
  

• Don’t worry about giving locals a bad impression of Americans. Chances are they already hate Americans anyway.
  

• When renting a moped, do not crash it, especially when far, far away from the rental places
  

• In some countries, the laws for obtaining prescription drugs are lax, to say the least. Make sure your friends have not bought Viagra and put it in your drink
  

• As it turns out, taking the inflatable life jacket stowed beneath your airline seat is a violation of international law. If you appropriate it, be sure to use it before getting your bags scanned for the return flight.
  

• If you forget to do so, put it in your friend’s bag and hilarity will ensue.
  

• Bringing $300 sunglasses on vacation is a bad idea. Bringing them into the water and then wrestling is an even worse idea
  

• The delight and mute horror of running into Penn students is unavoidable unless you’re on spring break North Korea. Whatever you just did will come back to haunt you
  

• Hooking up with a friend on spring break is no guarantee of a repeat upon return to Penn (for better or for worse).
  

• There are two substances to soothe the pain of sunburn. One is available at CVS, and one is available with those little paper umbrellas stuck on the top
  

• Trading your shoes for a cool pair of sunglasses is a bad idea, especially in an area surrounded by sun-baked sand and jagged rocks
  

• Your cell phone may get a signal in whatever country you are in, but drunk dials back home are expensive and not recommended.
  

• All-inclusive specials, oddly, do not include hospital bills for alcohol poisoning
  

• Gay bars have great drink specials.

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 1st, 2007 at 7:27 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.