Lookin’ fine in the academic’s uniform. I think it’s a sign.

The University has declared an open season for potential faculty members. Hey you, Kate Moss, there’s a spot open to teach ‘PSYC 262: Body Image, Psychopathology & Treatment. Fancy it?

Kal Penn, who starred as Taj Mahal Badalandabad (no racial stereotypes there, phew!) in the college comedy epic Van Wilder, once said his dream was to “smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand.” Just like Donny Osmond, Amy Gutmann has made Kal’s ‘Great American Dream’ come true. He’s coming to campus in spring 2008 to teach “Images of Asian Americans in the Media” (go Taj Mahal) and “Contemporary American Teen Films” (which are essentially soft porn - could this be a possible cross-over for women’s studies?). Melissa Lamb once famously mouthed the words, “and Taco Bell might make you ill but my taco’s certified”–does ‘Taj’ have his first offer?

Anyway, the imminent arrival of Kal Penn got me thinking about who else could be brought to Penn to enrich us with their real-life experiences. With this new and innovative academic recruitment policy, the opportunities are endless; the world of Z list celebrities is our oyster. Screw “I’m a Celebrity (no really), watch me ice-skate”, come teach at Penn instead!

After pondering the options for countless hours, I came up with a couple of attractive options for future ‘professors’:

George W. Bush: ‘PSCI 275: Muslim Political Thought’. Who better to teach us than the man in the middle, the guy with the gusto, the imam himself? If he could find Penn on his satellite maps in the situation room. I think its right next to the elusive weapons of mass destruction. Alternatively we could offer him ‘PSCI 281-Intro to Democratic Theory’, although he might be better off taking that one himself.

Britney Spears: the opportunities here are endless for this distinguished and talented young lady, but I decided on ‘PSYC 125: Drugs, Brain and Mind’. Brit’s had a tough time recently — she followed in the footsteps of William Shatner only to discover the world of wigs isn’t so glamorous after all. When she’s not stepping out of limos, legs spread, no panties, she’s often found in a club about as sober as Jimmi Hendrix at Woodstock. Oh, wait. The girl has seen it all. And she’s a lover of the arts too, “I always listen to ‘NSYNC’s Tearin’ Up My Heart. It reminds me to wear a bra”. What better role model?

This is a new and exciting era upon which the University is embarking. No longer are PhDs and tenures the benchmark. No longer are we shackled by universal academic qualifications. All one needs to teach in the Ivy League are “experiences that make [you] uniquely qualified to teach.” Dubya and Britney certainly have those. Bring ‘em on!

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