Ah, the exuberant blossoming of spring. The days grow longer, the temperature grows rises, the flowers blossom, and the oppressive layers of thick clothing that have kept men’s eyes off women’s bodies melt away (those of you who prefer it the other way around need look no farther than ATO where the brothers love playing volleyball as much as they hate wearing shirts).

But there is something else that springs to life this time of year: hordes of student groups flyering on Locust Walk, clogging the central artery of campus like the thick layer of trans-fats in Milton Street’s heart.

I myself don’t really mind the barrage of flyers. Who knows, they may even be advertising something I like. Plus,They’re free, and they kill trees (my hatred of which is matched only by Steven Colbert’s hatred of bears):

But running this veritable gauntlet is not without its problems.

From start to finish, every flyer experience begins with an internal dialogue: What group is this? Will people think that I hate women if I don’t take a flyer for an anti-domestic violence event? (I do). Am I insufficiently sensitive to the plight of minorities if I brush aside their flyer? (I am). If I take the flyer from Penn-for-Life, do I get a thrill from aborting fetuses? (like you would not believe). If I make eye contact am I obligated to take a flyer? Those full-color glossy flyers are probably expensive–aren’t I just wasting it if I take one?

With all these risks inherent in taking a flyer, the easiest solution, of course, is to avoid taking any flyers whatsoever. But those flyering folk are a hardy and determined bunch and it will not be easy to resist their attempts.

Sure you could mope down Locust Walk staring at the ground and pretending not to hear anything, but then you look like you’re trying way too hard to avoid just a flyer! (You are also at risk of getting run over by the blue KosherMobile). You need to keep your dignity and face your fear. Of course, you try to be a hero like that and you will quickly be brought to your knees with an entire rainforest’s worth of paper. Instead, should you reach for your iPod headphones, tune in to iHappiness to tune out the harshness of reality? Or perhaps the ever-popular “I’m on the phone” excuse? Alas, both of these leave your eyes vulnerable to making inadvertent contact with a flyer-wielding nut.

The best solution may simply be to take path of the coward and walk down Walnut.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007 at 4:40 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.