Turnoff. Non-negotiable.

It was the fall semester of my freshman year at Penn when I realized that everything I had heard about college was true–at least when it came to the typical male dorm room.

Surrounded by posters of Pamela Anderson and confronted with the seemingly-ubiquitous green plaid sheets, I could only raise my eyebrows when my friend Tom confidently told me, “This room is the ultimate bachelor pad–what I like to call the Love Shack.”

Whether Tom’s dreams of Ware/Butcher Hall bachelordom ultimately came true I cannot say (though I’m inclined to believe the answer is no, judging from the copious amounts of the Backstreet Boys he tended to play), but one thing is clear: the penchant for the most pimped out room doesn’t disappear after college.

A recent article in The New York Times chronicled a trend in which successful, well-read, altogether attractive men just couldn’t keep a significant other–because of the oddities of their apartments.

And while Penn boys may not favor stuffed seals, I believe a few rules from the wiser sex may be instrumental in maintaining relationships far longer than one night in the Love Shack.

1. Throw out (or give to your younger brother) any remaining pictures of
   Jenna Jameson you may have worshipped in high school. This rule extends to any posters of Gisele Bundchen, Heidi Klum, or cutouts from Maxim’s 100 Hottest. We understand that Lindsay Lohan is hot. In fact, we probably ogle her as much as you do. But seeing her on your ceiling will not increase our affection for you nor will it convince us to spend the night.
2. Having multiple electronic objects does not make you manlier. One of my neighbors last year was so impressed with his new flatscreen/DVD/Tivo/MP3 player combo, he invited his crush over to watch a movie, suavely fiddled with the remote control and blew a fuse that knocked out the entire hall’s power. We like you for your charm, your intellectual finesse, your humor–not the size of your iPod.
3. Clean off your nightstand table before inviting someone over. This may seem trivial, but I cannot stress the importance of a relatively empty sleeping space. There is nothing worse than settling into someone’s plaid sheets and looking over to see all 14 members of the Greenbaum family smiling happily back at you. In these instances, subtlety is on the best policy, so having Marvin Gaye spontaneously erupt from your clock radio probably won’t do you any favors.

I realize these rules seem harsh. And I admit that the right girl probably will forgive you for a lot. But there’s a difference between charmingly odd and incredibly weird. And please, whatever you do, give up your Batman sheets from the second grade.

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