I always had a feeling that Drexel students had something against me.

Hell, one out of two ain’t bad.

I could feel their eyes burning a hole in my pink, cashmere sweater when I walked — quickly — through their campus on the way to 30th Street station. However, they apparently liked my triple-layered pop collar even less.

In the latest salvo of the Penn-hates-Drexel-and- they-hate-us-back campaign, Drexel fired a shot across our bow. Actually, we fired first, they claim.

In its annual joke issue, the student newspaper The Triangle (named The Rectangle for April Fool’s–insert knee-slapping here), published a story titled “Campus war against UPenn continues.”

Man, they couldn’t get the name of our school right.

But regardless, the story describes the opening shot in the war for Wild West Philly. In extremely good taste, the newspaper claims that the opening shot of the war occured when a Penn Law student took shots at innocent Drexel students a few weeks ago.

And in classic April Fool’s issue style, the Triangle went on to explain how that was just the beginning of hostilities.

Penn forces attacked MacAlister Hall first, but were met with strong resistance from the English and History departments. Unfortunately, the Ivy Leaguers captured the bookstore. They next planned a strike at Hagerty Library after hiding in the Newman Center. It is with great sadness that I report the library had been lost to Penn’s assault.

However, it was on March 29 that Drexel decided enough was enough. The University began a massive mortaring campaign, firing three newly acquired M224 60-mm and two 120-mm mortar shells off the roof of the DAC. The weapons were provided from the ROTC armory.

OK, well this story may have missed the mark a bit. But I’ll give them some credit, because they struck with another Penn-related folly:

“Students arrested for not popping collars”

Gold, pure comedic gold. As the story goes,

Winston Buckham III, a sophomore, and Augustine Hamlet, a junior, made two mistakes that will not only expel them, but could also jeopardize the next 23 years of their lives.

Roommates Buckham III and Hamlet “forgot” to pop their collars March 27; but even worse, they did not wear a Lacoste shirt…According to UPenn’s constitution, not popping a collar can result in 17 years of prison, while not wearing a Lacoste shirt results in a minimum sentence of six years and a $100,000 fine.

Jon Stewart would be proud. Not only is this article funny, but of course true. Personally, I never leave the house without a pasted-shaded popped collar and another Lacoste shirt in my backpack (neatly folded of course), just in case I spill any caviar or Cristal during brunch.

Nothing fosters neighborly love between colleges like stinging humor based on completely true stereotypes.

The Rectangle Triangle surely isn’t the first place I’ve seen people take a stand against poppped collars. Cafe Saint Ex in DC seemed to be doing a pretty good job of it last I checked. But touche to the Dragons for hitting the mark on their second try.

After all, 1/2 ain’t bad. I just wish the DP had thought of it first. Not that we have a joke issue or anything…

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