Stud.

Over the last several years, Philadelphia has been plagued by public scandal and absurd political figures. With our plunging education and employment rate, we Philadelphians have become the laughing stock of this great nation. I’ve had enough.

As the primaries for the mayoral race near, I urge you to look closely at all the candidates. We need a solid leader who makes residents proud to call Philadelphia their home. And one Penn senior and notorious former Spinster plans to become just that. Last night, at 6:30, on the corner of 33rd and Locust, he declared his candidacy for the coveted position of Philadelphia mayor.

That student is none other than — you guessed it — Stephen Morse.

Morse’s crusade immediately hits a speed bump: The minimum age for candidacy is 25. But not so fast — there are a few things you may not know about Stephen Morse. His mom had him repeat kindergarten because he refused to play the Wonderball game with his classmates. Then during high school, he needed to take a year off after his sex-change operation. Morse’s early college years at Cornell ended when he returned from spring break in Panama to the US. It was a small drug bust–he only had to do two years. All this actually makes him 26-years-old.

Morse envisions a bright and optimistic future for our city, and he inspire a groundswell of support. Here are some of most integral components of his campaign platform:

• Knock down boathouse row and construct a Trump casino megaplex along the Schuykill waterfront with gambling ferryboats.
  

• Order the University of Pennsylvania to provide citywide wine preceptorials, free of charge to all Philadelphians.
  

• Use duct tape to fix all broken stoplights and promote safety in “the most-heinous intersections” of the city.
• Offer free “bicitaxi” service for all Philly residents.
  

• Charge per pound in all SEPTA fares.
  

• Erect a life-size monument of Barbaro in front of City Hall.

When I asked Morse what these goals will bring to the city, however, all I got was “an off-camera elbow to the stomach.” Interesting strategy for an up-and-coming underdog.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 10th, 2007 at 12:09 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.