Under the Button
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| This is what happens when bad sex happens to good people. |
Somewhere in Idaho, an SUV hit a telephone pole because two people couldn’t wait to get home. Going at it in the back of the car threw it off balance, the driver lost control, and they wound up with a wrecked car and a decent-sized fine.
I’m still confused about how they got into the circumstance anyway. Sheer lust? Thrill-seeking? Complete lack of other options? I’m just not convinced that it’s normal to sexile your friend to the driver’s seat instead of all the way out of the car.
Of course, Penn students would never do anything that dumb. We all have to take physics to fill our intellectually stimulating sector requirements. We know all about forces, centers of gravity and tipping over. I realized, though, that there are certainly other situations that any innocent Penn kid could wander into without realizing the dangers. Thus, some bad ideas in honor of poor, SUV-lacking Joshua Frank.
As Penn students have consistently demonstrated their deep love of exhibitionism, I’ll go ahead and take a fellow blogger’s recommendation to warn everyone against the high rise windows. Not only are you risking exposure, breaking glass (hey, I don’t know how you’d do it, but the company that makes the windows says it could be done), and a cold butt, you’re also being unoriginal. Boo.
Same for Huntsman Hall study rooms - with the added “ewww, people work on those chairs” factor. There’s a reason they don’t have blinds in there.
I see your minds flocking to an open place without windows. No one would stop you at midnight on College Green, right? Alas, even if drunken spectators don’t throw beer on you, I’m pretty sure you still have an enemy. The ever-present squirrels will make their presence felt. (Yeah, they’re supposed to be asleep at night, but these are certainly not normal squirrels that we’re dealing with.)
If we’re still looking around Penn for interesting places to sex it up, how can we neglect Van Pelt? Sadly, there, too, we run into problems. Pick up the pace or the energy of the encounter in the stacks and you’ll certainly be crushed to death by books on things you didn’t even know existed.
Of course, there’s always the construction if you need an adrenaline rush. It’s everywhere, might as well be good for something.
In your sexcapades around Penn, be safe. Don’t be like our friend Joshua. For every hot, steamy moment, remember the person who brought it safely to you: your good old physics professor.
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September 25th, 2007 at 1:29 am
“Somewhere in Idaho, an SUV hit a telephone pole because two people couldn’t wait to get home. Going at it in the back of the car threw it off balance.”
You state it as if it were undeniable fact. Apparently you think that Joshua Frank is a carnie with a PhD in physics. I have to conclude that you are the dumbest person ever for having grounded Joshua Frank’s testimony in scientific truth. The original article was written as a piece of humour, a joke about midland hicks for us coastal elitists to giggle at…BUT YOU DIDNT GET IT! Instead of saying “haha, stupid hick carnie, what a poor excuse” and going onto the next article like everyone else did, you catapulted into a deep contemplative state and reveled in the madness that sex sometimes induces, a madness that anyone else readily identifies as physical impossibility. So, in writing this article, YOU became the butt of the joke, the laughing stock of any educated person who reads this blog. You have whittled yourself into a sad existence: the quintessence of idiocy who serves only as an outlet for others who need a boost of self-confidence.
September 25th, 2007 at 12:45 pm
To Objects only tip over if their center mass lies outside the area of their supports,
I think you’re missing the point of the article. Whether or not the story about Joshua Frank is true doesn’t really matter. It was nothing more than intro material leading up to her argument. And in the end, the article is about where not to have sex at Penn. I’m not sure why/how the validity of introduction material could get anyone so riled up. I am forced to think that you have a personal crusade against the author (perhaps she rejected you one night at a frat party?) because it seems like you didn’t care what you were bitching about so long as you got a chance to bitch. Unless you have more interesting things to write about (concerning sex) - I know I don’t - let her do the writing and if you’re going to comment do it on something at least somewhat useful.
September 25th, 2007 at 9:20 pm
I miss the hyperlinks. They were funny.
September 26th, 2007 at 9:25 am
this post was terrible. why not just make a bulleted list of places to fuck at penn; spare us the torture of navigating the prose.
September 26th, 2007 at 6:05 pm
She forgot to mention the new, lockable single bathrooms in VP. The new tiled color scheme is somewhat aesthetically pleasing, and the wide counter and full size mirror definitely have potential.