CommenTATE

And here’s your proof. (Photo by Mike Tate)

Ah, underground tunnels. A hidden mystique of the Ivy League.

Talk to the right people at Penn and you’ll hear the stories of them.

Actually, probably not. Why does no one talk about tunnels?

We know Columbia has an extensive tunnel system. While Columbia’s tunnels are public knowledge now, other Ivies’ tunnels aren’t.

They’re mysterious at Princeton (is this a map?). Less documented at Yale. And only hinted at Dartmouth.

But it’s not just the Ivy League with tunnels - tons of colleges sport them. from MIT to UCLA.The University of Chicago to the University of Texas. Someone even posted an entire collection of university tunnel maps on Flickr.

Most were built in the early history of universities as steam and utility tunnels and are now explorable. Universities discovered that “using tunnels to pump heat to all the buildings on campus from one central underground boiler was a much cheaper option than putting separate boilers in each building.”

Does Penn have a tunnel system that the right social circles know?

Convinced that we do, I tried to find out.

A few days before this semester started I headed to the university archive. I searched for hours through stacks of paper categorized for College Hall. Only one item caught my eye. It’s dated 2-21-29 (or is it 1921? –see image) and titled “College Hall Contains Four Hidden Staircases.” No mention of publication. Nonetheless, it’s tangible.

What’s interesting are the descriptions of the hidden staircases and how they are “built into the walls” but one “lead[s] to the second floor from the basement while the other two go between the basement and the first floor.” These could lead to tunnels–steam tunnels below College Hall? A few sentences talk of tunnels. It states that a huge tunnel runs under College Hall and “is large enough to permit a wagon to be driven its full length” but is “now sealed tightly.”

So if we had any, some are sealed. But, I hear more exist–and I would know. Happy tunneling!

CommenTATE appears every Monday and Friday.

Off the Beat

Constant construction makes SEPTA such a pain. (Photo by Ryan Leske)

SEPTA blows.

Grime-mired terminals. Iron Age tokens. Rusty turnstiles.

This weekend, take advantage of their cooler twin: NJ Transit.

Yeah, public transit is better on the other side of the Delaware River. And free, too.

Until this Sunday, any student can hop on NJ Transit for absolutely nothing. That’s 752 trips per day on 240 bus routes or 11 commuter lines in America’s largest state transit system.

And you thought Jersey was just a strip of asphalt leading to New York.

Speaking of NYC, NJ Transit offers a service from 30th Street Station to Penn Station. Usually, roundtrip tickets cost around $25. Lucky you. Just sit tight for two or three hours, and you’re in the Big Apple.

Wanna be really lazy? Board Penn Transit and cruise down in style to 30th Street Station. If you have just a day bag that’ll fit on your lap, call 898-RIDE.

Or take the LUCY. With your PennCard, you can ride for free around University City.

Or venture out into the boondocks of New Jersey. They’ve got, um, you know, the Jersey devil and lots of diners. Highway tolls and turnpikes. Even Jimmy Hoffa’s chopped up bits.

But there’s still the problem of getting around Philadelphia. Or around campus for that matter. At about $4 per roundtrip, taking SEPTA once a week comes to around $100 bucks a year.

One word: bike. Cuts travel time in half. Want to get from FroGro to DRL in 5 minutes? Want to punch someone in the face, steal their cell phone, and get away with it?

Bikes are perfect for those hijinks. Boycott SEPTA. Save the environment. Pedal away into the sunset.

You can even ditch the jerks on Craigslist and buy one for cheap at the Neighborhood Bike Works in the basement of St. Mary’s Episcopal Church (right next to Civic House).

Until then, just say goodbye to Philly and its derelict, insolvent transit system in three easy steps:

Click. Print. Clip.

Off the Beat appears every Friday.

Caroline in the City

As a freshman, I knew nothing about Philadelphia Restaurant Week, a biannual event that allows diners to enjoy a three course meal at some of the city’s finest eateries, all for a fixed price of $30.

A friend from my writing seminar, who was almost as clueless as I was, invited me along to venture out to our first downtown eating experience. While most restaurant-goers chose swanky expensive restaurants like Le Bec Fin, Alma de Cuba, or Brasserie Perrier, our ignorance led us to select a restaurant at random - Glam.

At the time we had no idea that Glam was less known for its dining atmosphere, and more known for its questionable, and some might say “trashy,” club scene. Accosted by a blinding, fluorescent pink entryway, we were immediately skeptical of the whole endeavor we were about to undergo. Rather than turn the cab around, we decided to venture inside, where we found the interior to be much homier than expected. It was only 7 p.m. on a Tuesday, so the partygoers were obsolete, and the ambience was actually quite charming. There was only one other party in the eatery, a mother and a daughter, and more than enough staff to help all four customers.

Allowed our pick of their entire menu - an appetizer, an entree, and a dessert, I naturally chose the most expensive items - crab cake, filet mignon, and chocolate fondue. My friend did likewise. The meal was nothing less than delectable and presented very “glamorously.” Additionally, we had excellent service and were given gift cards at the end of our meal urging us to come back. If I had stuffed myself with anymore surf, turf, and chocolate, I would have had to be rolled out of the place. Who would have thought that Glam would have such a good kitchen?

Since that first Restaurant Week escapade, I have dined at many of the other participating and more conventional restaurants, such as Cuba Libre, Bistro St. Tropez, and Tangerine. While these restaurants may rank higher in the Zagat ratings, I have to say my trip to Glam was probably the most memorable and perhaps even the tastiest.

Next Monday marks the beginning of this fall’s Restaurant Week. While many of Penn’s students may have waited too long to score reservations at the designated hot spots, I urge you to take a chance with the Glams of the restaurant world. These lesser known places have countless openings and go all out for the event - giving you an elegant and satisfying dining experience.

Caroline in the City appears every Wednesday and Friday.

Common $ense

Invest in that Texas tea, baby.

We’ve all had that indecisive feeling in our stomachs. That gut-churning uneasiness that comes with potentially life-changing decisions.

Sociology…or maybe anthropology? Maybe Italian…or some kind of Spanish?

Alas, it is Thursday, September 20. Do you know what your schedule is?

Don’t be alarmed if I sound like the scary announcer guy before the evening news asking if you know where your children are. With the shopping period for classes quickly coming to a close, I’m taking my own advice and trying to make some last minute changes to my class roster. I feel sort of like Patriot’s coach Bill Belichick shuffling his line-up - but minus the ugly sweatshirt and the cheating.

At Penn, this is the last prime opportunity to change up your schedule for the rest of 2007. I argue the same is true with your portfolio.

While yesterday’s top story at The Daily Pennsylvanian was about students urinating on the statue of Ben Franklin, elsewhere around the world, slightly more important things were on people’s minds. Fortunately I am here to let you all know what is going on outside the Penn bubble.

With the Federal Reserve’s greater-than-expected interest rate cut on Tuesday, investors are far more optimistic about future economic growth. This renewed optimism is raising stock prices faster than Wharton freshmen’s undeserved sense of accomplishment.

Leading the pack are industries that thrive from global growth, such as mining companies and the energy sector. Despite its political incorrectness, I stand by my endorsement of oil companies as excellent investments. If you are so against what they are doing environmentally, take the profits you make from their stocks and donate them to whatever charity you wish.

Given Penn students’ fascination with defecating in public spaces, maybe some fertilizer companies might be more your style. Monsanto (Ticker: MON) and Potash Corp. (Ticker: POT) have been printing money off of demand for their agricultural products.

Whatever you do, don’t be lazy. Reassess your game plan, both academically and financially. The time for fourth quarter adjustments is now. Don’t be caught flat footed…or with your zipper open.

Common $ense appears every Tuesday and Thursday.

BeatNick

I first started following the Phil Spector trial towards the end of the summer. I was back home after my city internship, and since I live in a one-television household, I was forced to watch whatever my mom wanted to.

So we watched CourtTV. Religiously.

If you’ve ever followed a murder trial on CourtTV, you know that it’s the worst thing ever. It consists almost entirely of boring recap and shit commentary, with a little live coverage snuck in here and there. All the same, by the time September rolled around, I was pretty well-informed about the case.

Maybe that’s why I’m not surprised to hear that the jury is at an impasse, stuck at 7-5 on whether to convict Spector of second-degree murder charges. As with the Irina Malinovskaya case, a mistrial seems inevitable.

But apart from their hung juries (and their scary-looking defendants), the Spector and Malinovskaya trials are crucially different: he probably did it, and she probably didn’t.

Make no mistake: if Malinovskaya had Spector’s lawyers, she’d be acquitted - if Spector had Malinovskaya’s, he’d be convicted. But Spector is a multi-millionaire, and he can put together a defense team that rivals O.J.’s. Justice comes down to money, not truth.

Girls and money go in…neither comes out.

Look at the details. The best the prosecutors could do against Malinovskaya was establish a motive - her ex-boyfriend was banging the alleged victim. Malinovskaya’s DNA? Not so much as one fucking cytosine at the scene of the crime.

Now take Spector’s case. The best the defense can do is argue that the victim - Lana Clarkson - committed suicide. In Spector’s mansion. With her handbag on. What about Spector telling his chauffeur, “I think I killed somebody?” Well, um, you know, the guy is on a lot of medication.

I’m not saying Spector is definitely a killer. There are some important holes in the prosecution’s case, like the fact that Spector’s DNA was not on the gun that killed Clarkson. But what I am saying is that even a brief comparison between the Spector’s and Malinovskaya’s trials sheds light on the incredible disparity in this country’s justice system.

In the end, a verdict hinges not on the defendant’s actions but on his wallet.

BeatNick appears every Monday and Thursday.

Beckstreet’s Beck (Alright!)

You can see where the gender confusion lies.

Penn should offer more than one fall concert each fall. As The Daily Pennsylvanian pointed out, no one knows who Ben Kweller is. They, like the rest of the school, are tired of getting the same emo, acoustic-guitar-playing acts over and over again.

I conducted my own research, and almost no one I talked to knew of his music - zero of the people knew him on a personal basis. Most of the guys said he looked kind of like a chick, but conceded that if he were one he’d be kind of hot.

Now, I’m not saying SPEC shouldn’t have chosen Kweller, but it seems unfair that they only pick artists from a musical genre that sells out shows. For diversity’s sake, they should choose some artists from different genres and some artists who no one wants to see at all .

The only solution I see is for SPEC to put on more concerts each semester. With an endowment of over $4 billion, it’s safe to say that Penn could afford to sponsor tens of concerts. Even if they allotted only half that amount to SPEC, it should be enough to bring in a sufficient number of acts to satisfy a good portion of the student body.

It’s not as if the artists don’t want to come to Philly. Artists as diverse as Common, Hanson (of “Mmmbop fame”), Queens of the Stone Age, Insane Clown Posse, and Bad Religion are playing at the Electric Factory in the next month. A trip to Pollstar reveals that Maroon Five and Fall Out Boy will be playing in the Philly area this semester.

So the question is, why can’t Penn just pay these groups to perform on campus? Why must Penn students venture an entire SEPTA ride to see their favorite group perform? I’ve been to the Electric Factory. It’s a terrible place for a concert. There are no seats. All the while I was listening to Flogging Molly, the crowd jumping around, I couldn’t help but wish the concert was taking place in Irvine with a crowd politely seated.

Maybe if SPEC gets its act together, that wish will become a reality some day. Until then I guess students not interested in Ben Kweller won’t be able to enjoy music.

Beckstreet’s Beck (Alright!) appears every Tuesday and Thursday.

A Shot of Hennessy

Look scary? Not as scary as CANCER.

By now, hopefully you have heard of Human Papillomavirus, the virus that causes 70 percent of cervical cancer cases and 90 percent of genital warts cases.

Maybe you have seen the barrage of “One Less” commercials advertising the new vaccine, Gardasil, which was approved by the FDA in June 2006.

What you may not know is how prohibitively expensive the vaccine is.

According to the Center for Disease Control’s website the market price is $120 per shot - and the vaccine requires 3 shots to be completely effective. Student Health Services charges $130 per shot.

But you’ll have to pay it on your own - Gardasil is not covered by the Penn Student Insurance Plan.

In a phone interview, director of Student Health Services Evelyn Weiner said, “The Penn Student Insurance Plan generally only covers those vaccines that are required for matriculation.”

But it does cover non-essential flu shots for students.

Cervical cancer, however, is much deadlier than the flu. Often called “the silent killer,” it affects 9,700 women every year - about 3,700 will die from the disease. This vaccine could nearly eliminate these deaths.

Gardasil is 100 percent effective against all forms of HPV that cause cervical cancer and genital warts. The fact is, it’s pretty likely you’ll contract a form of HPV at some point in your life - if you’re sexually active, the odds are one in two.

So who decides what the PSIP covers? The Student Health Insurance Advisory Committee, comprised of 12 graduate and 14 undergraduate students, does. Weiner said the committee decided not to cover Gardasil, “in anticipation of other vaccines becoming available soon.” They are not opposed to covering it - it’s just a matter of balancing options.

The university needs to at least partially subsidize this life-saving vaccine. Even more, students with private insurance that doesn’t cover the vaccine should also be eligible for a cost deduction.

Despite the stereotype, not all Penn students have the $390 for the vaccine - almost 55 percent of undergraduates receive some sort of financial aid. Ask our parents for the money, you say?

My parents don’t get to have a say in my sex life.

It can be done - Yale University students pushed for their student insurance plan to cover the vaccine and suceeded.

Princeton University and Dartmouth College also subsidize the vaccine.

So instead of making us decide whether a healthy cervix is worth $390, Penn needs to step up and provide this groundbreaking cancer cure (that’s right, a cure) at low or no cost.

Until then, I guess I’ll be taking donations.

A Shot of Hennessy appears every Monday and Wednesday.

Dear Danny

I mean, they look cute enough.

Last week, Philadelphia Media Holdings (PMH), the company that owns The Philadelphia Inquirer, announced that it planned to cover Inquirer’s building with an ad and an inflatable bee for Jerry Seinfeld’s, Bee Movie. On Friday, PMH withdrew their proposal.

I couldn’t bee happier.

Now on first glance, this proposal, and all forms of outdoor advertising in the city, might not look too bad. The historical Philadelphia Inquirer building is up for sale, and who knows? Added revenue might help keep this building preserved. Brian Tierney, PMH’s CEO, called the proposal “fun” and told The Philadelphia Inquirer that he wanted to attract “national attention” towards Center City.

But in 1991, Philadelphia passed extensive outdoor advertising regulations. Large signs on buildings or near neighborhoods were banned. But advertisers can always go to the Philadelphia Zoning Board to ask for a “variance.” With variance after variance approved in recent years, the rule of law in Philadelphia isn’t looking too hot.

Mary Tracy, executive director of SCRUB (Society Created to Reduce Urban Blight), brought up another reason. “It adds to the vitality of the cityscape to see all these types of architecture. Then we put up wall wraps…it all starts to look the same,” she explained. “This city is very rich in architectural assets. That character of our city is so beautiful when you just stop and look up.”

And then the whole issue of redevelopment crops up. Take, for example, Mr. Real Estate and his vacant building on the outskirts of Northern Liberties. The area is starting to come back to life; it might be time to go from vacant to vibrant. But then Mr. Real Estate gets an offer from Mr. Marketing. The vacant building is draped in advertisements, and Mr. Marketing pays $30,000 a month. Suddenly, redevelopment looks like too much effort for Mr. Real Estate. A vacant building continues to go unoccupied.

And Mr. Marketing doesn’t sell building wraps in Mt. Airy or other ritzy areas of the city. They’re sold in the poor neighborhoods and their presence just perpetuates the neighborhood’s poor image.

The reasons are endless, but Mary Tracy and her group are staying vigilant. “The outdoor advertising industry is so anxious to get a foothold, a toehold in our city. [They say] we’ll go after SEPTA or the Inquirer, they’re not doing as well…but it’s the law.”

This whole Bee Movie fiasco should serve as a warning to future attempts at outdoor advertising: buzz off!

Dear Danny appears ever Monday and Wednesday.

Caroline in the City

Now that’s what I call money well spent

Imagine hundreds of girls crammed into one sorority house living room set to hunt through boxes upon boxes of discounted designer jeans.

The result was just short of animalistic behavior.

To my left and right, girls were playing tug of war over Rock and Republic boot-cuts and yelling at each other for stealing the last size 26 skinny jeans. Additionally, the lack of dressing rooms deterred no one from dropping their drawers and trying on their newfound denim treasures.

The Phi Sigma Sigma jeans sale occurred Monday night, officially kicking off the fall season of sorority philanthropy events. Designer jeans, originally priced upwards of $300, were marked down to $65 of which $5 were donated to the Phi Sigma Sigma Foundation, which benefits kidney disease research. Our generation’s version of the “Running of the Brides,” the infamous Filene’s Basement Wedding Dress event, the PhiSig jean sale brought out the beasts in some of Penn’s “finest.”

The sale attracted all kinds of Penn girls - girls from all 8 sorority houses as well as those not even Greek-affiliated. Sorority girls who had yet to step foot into the Phi Sig house since rush of their freshman year were now buzzing about like they owned the place. These shopping fanatics were participating in a community service event, although from the looks of it many of them were more concerned with adding more jeans to their closet than worrying about what their money was actually benefiting.

So while the male population of Penn was busy watching the Eagles lose to the Redskins, Penn’s better half was enhancing their designer denim collection. Despite the grabbing, fighting and overall selfishness that arose amid the hundreds of girls, one thing was certain: all kinds of Penn girls, from the geeks to the Greeks, were convening over their common love–denim–and simultaneously contributing to a great cause. The event raised over $1000 for the Phi Sigma Sigma Foundation. And never fear, if you’re blue you didn’t get to pick up some designer duds, PhiSig will be holding another jeans sale on January 28.

Caroline in the City appears every Wednesday and Friday.

A Nick at a Time

Doesn’t it look like fun? (Photo by Nick McAvoy)

They had better things to do.

Chalk is a favorite advertising medium at Penn. It’s not unusual to find chalked messages on the Walk endorsing anything from student government candidates to a capella auditions to the latest Penn-geared web site.

But poetry?

You may have been surprised Monday morning to find the Walk adorned with words stretching from Huntsman Hall most of the way down to the compass. If you took the time to read them, you noticed verse from such varied poets as T.S. Eliot, Langston Hughes, Li Bai, and Oscar Wilde.

So who were the vandals? Who dared to cover our dull red bricks with beautiful reflections of the human condition, with no apparent self interest in mind? Riding my bike home at 2:30 Monday morning, I was lucky enough to catch the culprits. With chalk in one hand and printouts in the other, the three friends steadily scrawled their chosen stanzas down the walkway.

College sophomore Maura Krause and Engineering sophomores Derek X. Ma and Lorna Ng’eno live together in King’s Court. Their motivations were not grand or especially well thought out.

“We were bored,” Ng’eno said.

“No reason,” Ma added.

Krause elaborated, though not much. “I wanted to do something crazy and I was in a poetry frame of mind.”

In short, the poetry seems the impulsive outburst of an unorthodox collection of friends. But every night there are thousands of groups of bored friends at Penn, all of whom were brought here because of their considerable gifts and unique passions. Why do we not see more such expressions of them?

“I think there are people who want this kind of romanticism,” Krause later reflected. It’s “the beauty of doing something completely useless and beautiful, and not what you’re supposed to be doing.”

The students have few specific hopes for the reaction of the Penn student body at large. “I was joking that Wharton kids might grow a heart if they see some poetry,” Ng’eno said. “I hope they read them and get inspired or something, or whatever poems do to people.”

Ma was even simpler. “Maybe it will be pleasant to read some poetry on their way to class,” he said.

It’s not that their time couldn’t have been better spent reading, or doing homework, or sleeping, for that matter. It’s not that they had an urgent message to send the Penn community. It’s that poetry is beautiful, and it’s fun to stay up late on a Sunday night to tell us so.

These friends will remember their midnight escapade for some time. We have four years at Penn to develop our gifts amid many of the most talented and diverse people we will ever meet. If more of our free time were spent expressing them, campus life might be a lot less boring.

A Nick at a Time appears every Tuesday and Thursday.