I donned my costume and left for Amy Gutmann’s infamous Halloween party. I decided to dress up like none other than the “conspicuously retired” Dean of Admissions, Willis Stetson. I didn’t have to wait long before trouble brewed…

7:15 PM- I arrive at the soirée at Wynn Commons. Terrorist sightings: 0. The best costume, right off the bat, is a mummy, almost completely wrapped in toilet paper. The chocolate fountain calls…

7:20 PM- Still no terrorists. “Werewolves of London” is sort of a catchy tune. All the girls are wearing much longer skirts than they were on Saturday night.

7:22 PM- My first Gutmann sighting! She isn’t wearing a costume!! What sort of calamity is this?!? I try to go for a picture, but too many people are around. The terrorist count is still zero.

(more…)

Sure, scheduling a “social study session” is pretty ridiculous. Kudos to the Biology department for trying to be the geekiest people ever. But so long as Engineers are in Towne, that title belongs to SEAS.

That’s why only Penn Engineers got a collective casting call from the CW’s mediocre Beauty and the Geek. In an email sent out to the SEAS listserv, Casting Director DJ Feldman writes that several students “suggested we contact your department to help us get the word out and reach the best possible people for the show.”

Ouch.

Complete email after the jump.

(more…)

Umm, not exactly.

(more…)

So we all know that Penn students stick out in West Philly, but does that mean we deserve to be the victims of crime?

Crime has increased on the northern outskirts of campus, and, according to Philadelphia Police Lt. John Walker, Penn students are to blame.
(more…)

Why will people pay money for what they could have for free?

Ask Jonathan Greenblatt. As reported yesterday, Mr. Greenblatt, founder of Ethos Water, will give the keynote address for Integrity Week on November 14.

If you’re not familiar with Ethos Water, it’s just about the most socially-conscious water you can buy. Owned by Starbucks, a nickel of each overpriced bottle goes toward “helping children around the world get clean water and raising awareness of the World Water Crisis.” As a side note, I like the tactic of emphasizing the importance of your cause by capitalizing it. Would anyone like to donate toward the Nick McAvoy Post-Graduation Employment Crisis?

Yes, Ethos reaffirms the comforting message that we can solve the world’s problems by buying more things. We need not change our lifestyles at all. Go ahead, buy your double-tall exploitative caffeine fix, and grab an Ethos for the road. Be aware of the World Water Crisis — very aware — especially the degree to which your philanthropic purchase is, at this moment, relieving the suffering of many millions.

(more…)

Feminists. Unattractive, sexually frustrated, single lesbians who rant and yell and generally disrupt the lives of those around them. Right?

Apparently not. A new study at Rutgers University found that women with male feminist partners had healthier heterosexual relationships; the same was true of men with feminist partners, with the added perk of greater sexual satisfaction. Feminists were no more likely than non-feminist women to be single, lesbian, or sexually unattractive.

You heard me right. Date a feminist, have a good sex life. And even a healthy, stable relationship.

Apparently, kids in University City have to trick or treat in New Jersey because Penn students are too lazy/stupid to have candy on hand.

Article after article in The Daily Pennsylvanian tells us how Penn students should volunteer doing x, or how the University should sponsor initiative y in order to help the community. But the thing is, when I look back at the neighborhood I grew up in (which had considerably less shootings), I never judged the people based on how much they volunteered.

But I did judge people based on what type of treat they gave out on Halloween. It was always, “Oh, that’s the old lady that doesn’t give out candy,” never, “That’s where the witch lives that won’t tutor me in algebra!”

Trick or treating sounds like a great way for Penn students to truly interact with local residents as neighbors, not “saviors”. Believe it or not, not all West Philly residents need to be “saved” by bright-eyed undergrads. So go to CVS tonight and buy a bag of candy. Worst-case scenario is you have an excuse to eat 50 snicker bars by yourself. Just don’t be the guy who passes out sugar-free gum — I’m looking at you, dental students.

My fellow blogger, Nick McAvoy, suggested several days ago that Penn opt for a new mascot. While some of us are seeking ways to get rid of our mascot, the University of Illinois is begging for its recently-rejected mascot to come back.

Several months ago, The University of Illinois’s Chief Illiniwek performed its last dance.

(more…)

The Biology major offers enticing perks. I received this email today from the major’s listserv:

“Are you tired of studying alone in your room? Sick of the library? Tomorrow, Tuesday, Oct. 30 beginning at 7:00 pm, join Board members Felina and Lauren for a study session. Since everyone has to study (all the time!), why not have some company? Come to Goddard 102 anytime after 7:00 - bring your books and notes, we’ll supply some snacks. This is a great way to meet other majors and you might just find someone studying for the same course as you. Lauren and Felina plan to stay until 9 or 10 so come late, stay for a short time or spend hours!”

Woohoo! Party time!

To me, this just says: “Oh you poor Bio majors, we know you can’t make friends or participate in normal social activities, so we’re going to make a social activity out of the only thing you know how to do properly: studying.”

Would anyone seriously consider going to this? If you are “tired of studying alone in your room” I suggest you take a study break, because you need one. This event might just push you over the edge. Perhaps they should hand out CAPS brochures along with the “snacks.”

It happened close to campus. Too close. Still, we often forget how fortunate we are to be living in this part of Philly. We are in virtually a green zone.

However, if it gets worse, let these select quotes be your survival guide to Philadelphia. Better to be prepared, as some parts of Philadelphia “have spray-painted ‘IRAQ’ in huge letters on abandoned buildings to mark the devastation”:

(more…)