Beckstreet’s Beck (Alright!)

On Monday, the results of the freshmen elections were announced. Now seems like a good time to follow up and see what sort of crazy campaign promises the winners made.

Class of 2011 president Keith Williams wants enthusiasm, increased school spirit, and food at all school functions. He seems professional. The only drawback I see is a rise in the freshman 15.

Danielle Wexler won the Secretary position by announcing her hope to meet a “ton” of freshmen. The only question is if this ton is to be weighed out before or after Williams’s quest to pump every freshman full of food at any possible chance.

Vice President Adam Behrens ran on the idea of listening to the student body. Both Rohan Grover, the VP Corporate Sponsorship and Mo Shanin ran on their past accomplishments. Shanin even planned a prom at the Grand Hyatt! Yeah, not a normal Hyatt, a Grand one. Take notice, people.

This all seems pretty unexciting, until you find out what the people who won UA seats promised us. They’re insane.

Dong Chen won a seat on the UA by saying how the “Dong Chen experience” is “like doing the crab walk through a mystical forest of enchanted trees that house numerous gnomes…with taloned appendages who enjoy crocheting various designs of Penn wool sweaters.” Or, people just voted for him because his name is “Dong.” Either way, good luck with that.

Leila Decker and Grant Dubler are going to install air conditioning in Hill and get other business on campus to take dining dollars. Deja vu, anyone?

Albert Pak is going to get 100% juice for Commons, and Jay Rodrigues wants to “identify why demand frequently outstrips supply” in the dining halls. I’m guessing Rodrigues won by getting everyone in his Econ 101 class to vote for him.

Mark Peter Pan got the most UA votes and thus a seat on the University Council. His platform included offering free chauffeurs to class and physically moving DRL closer to the Quad.

My guess is his plan involves sprinkling pixie dust on DRL, telling it to think happy thoughts, and having it fly away. He’s also pro-two-ply toilet paper. It’s good to know he won’t be afraid to tackle the tough issues, since according to the UA Chairman Jason Karsh, his UC seat makes him “one of the most influential freshmen on campus.”

Beckstreet’s Beck (Alright!) appears every Tuesday and Thursday.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007 at 8:16 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.