Philly is in a corpse war, and you’re probably unaware of it.

The fight is over the remains of poet and author Edgar Allen Poe. Poe wrote many of his greatest works, including The Tell-Tale Heart, while he resided in Philadelphia. He later died in Baltimore and is buried at the city’s Westminster Church.

Now with his 200th birthday approaching, Philly wants him back. But one Baltimore columnist has said, “We have the body, and we’re keeping him.”

All these declarations seem a little childish. I think the best way to solve this is to treat the corpse like a lost pet with two owners. Simply exhume Poe’s body and then, once it starts rolling over in the unearthed grave, let the city it spins closest to claim ownership. Problem solved.

Oh, so you’re one of those guys who thinks people rolling over in their graves is just a metaphor? Well, I have another solution for you–a suspense writer swap. Philly will somehow lure Columbus, Ohio native and famed Goosebump’s author R.L. Stine to town and kill him–”accidentally,” of course. We will then bury him in Philly. After that, the mayors of the cities involved will engineer a three-way Billy Bean-style trade. Baltimore will send Poe to Philly and Columbus will get Stine back, with Baltimore receiving a macabre author–to be named later–from Columbus. It could work, people.

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 18th, 2007 at 2:26 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.