Wow, what a crazy weekend.

It’s during times like these we have to take it back to basics. Time for another edition of a Penn favorite…Buy, Sell, and Hold.

Buy

Ivy League Guard-Dogs: According to today’s DP, “Unattended theft has gone skyrocketing,” on campus in areas such as Van Pelt library. Turns out Ivy League kids, despite having everything they want, still find a reason to commit petty crime. Who knew? Look for confused parents, unable to accept the truth their babies have sticky fingers, to blame this on the West Philadelphia community.

Tutors: To the freshman currently getting owned (or pwned as the engineers say) by MATH 104 (or 103 for the “special” ones), swallow your pride and hire a tutor. This is not high school and you are not that smart. If you just got castrated by the midterm, you will not miraculously ace the final a month from now. Trust us on this.

The Spin: Under our new format, readership is up 50 percent and page views have doubled. We’re not getting too excited though. Our editors attribute this mostly to the booming Chinese economy and our lack of exposure to sub-prime mortgages.

Sell

DP beat writers: How dare they ask the Penn administration hard-hitting questions, and demand answers!? It’s not the media’s job to hold an administration responsible for their lack of transparency on a scandal. Don’t these guys know how real journalists operate…

Anyone who spoke to the DP about the chaos at the ZBT party: I have two words for you. Stop snitching!

Wharton: You know things have gotten out of hand, when Management 100 teams start blaming the sluggish housing market and high oil prices for their below-average performance during their in-class status report speeches.

Disgruntled readers: To all the cry-babies out there posting vulgar messages when we make fun of your organization … lighten up! Dean Stetson’s been a good sport, and you don’t see him commenting on my wall.

Hold

…your spot in line: As tickets go on sale for the Roots concert (dubbed the “Minority fall show” by the DP) at Irvine, expect a SPEC-TRUM show with more musical talent than the past three SPEC events combined. A Grammy-nominated group coming to Penn? Clearly SPEC-TRUM and those “minorities” are out of their mind.

Happy Monday

Tags: Buy sell hold

This entry was posted on Monday, October 29th, 2007 at 2:00 pm and is filed under Penn. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.