Last time, I promised to offer a dynamic replacement for the Quaker as our school’s mascot. I encourage you to keep an open mind as you read my suggestion.

Whether or not you’re familiar with the life of Edward Bulwer-Lytton, you’ve undoubtedly heard the adage coined for his 1839 play Richilieu; Or, the Conspiracy. Quoth the playwright, “The pen is mightier than the sword.”

There’s nothing quite like a well-executed pun. Were our school to capitalize on the opportunity presented by this saying, not only would our name recognition problems be a thing of the past, but our fans would be given plenty to cheer about.

Enough beating around the bush. I’m suggesting that we cast off the Quaker and become the Penn “Is Mightier.”

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Of all the bizarre things I’ve witnessed at Penn, this has got to be one of the wildest.

It was a lazy Sunday afternoon as I made my usual trek to Sansom Street to indulge in a New Deck burger. Most of the time the alleyway between Walnut and Samson is relatively quiet but, on this particular afternoon, I was greeted with a wild, raucous–one of the strangest–parties I have ever seen. Not only was Pink puma stuff everywhere, but there was also a conglomerate of girls wearing furry leg warmers more fit for an episode of Fraggle Rock than a party on Penn’s campus. A DJ was pumping music and a crowd of about 500 adults and children were breaking it down.

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Imagine if the Amish ran General Electric. If Jon Stewart suddenly became Commander-in-Chief. If Dick Cheney were in charge of, oh, I don’t know, fun.

What do all of these scary scenarios have in common? They all involve someone whose personal views get in the way of doing an important job. While the Amish are great at cheese and religion and Jon Stewart is hilarious (and Dick Cheney… has good aim?), it would be a supremely bad idea to have them run an institution whose goals they don’t agree with.

So why, for the love of anything at all, is anti-contraception, anti-abortion, anti-divorce, anti-CPS, generally evil Family Research Council member Susan Orr now in charge of family planning?

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This Saturday, the University’s event planners did something so audacious it can only be rationalized as a reckless lapse of judgment…

They actually played popular music at a Penn concert.

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It’s your worst nightmare.

Think you can’t stand the embarrassment of your friends looking over your shoulder and seeing you can only get the 7’s on Tuesday’s Sudoku? Imagine completing a beyond-level-4 puzzle in front of hundreds of onlookers in like, five minutes.

That’s what happened in the electrifying final round at this weekend’s Sudoku National Championship, right here in Philadelphia, the “highlights” of which you can watch for yourself here.

My favorite part is the ridiculous head-gear the contestants must wear. As if they didn’t already look like nerds.

The winner received $10k and a trip to compete in the World Championship in India. I bet there’ll be some insane after-parties. Body Sudoku? Drinking-game Sudoku? Oh yes.

I’m pretty cynical about a lot of things. The justice system? Definitely. But every once in a while, I read a story that just leaves me speechless with disbelief.

Seriously, wtf?!.

Essentially, a woman placed an ad on Craigslist and met the guy who answered in North Philly. They negotiated a deal for an hour of oral and vaginal sex (for one hundred and fifty dollars), but then he and two friends raped her at gunpoint instead. Since she consented to have sex with the man beforehand and didn’t get paid, Municipal Judge Teresa Carr Deni decided that it wasn’t rape or assault, just “theft of services.”

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One of the world’s greatest living directors is coming to Penn, and the event has been so poorly advertised it Herz-og.

That’s Werner Herzog, the prolific director who gave us Aguirre: The Wrath of God, Grizzly Man, and most recently, Encounters at the End of the World. That one’s a documentary about the scientists living in Antarctica. Like most Herzog films, it will probably feature some really incredible landscapes and some equally incredible people.

On Tuesday, The International House will be screening Encounters and on Wednesday at 5, Werner himself will be in Meyerson B1 asking “Was the 20th Century a Mistake?” Then on Thursday he’ll be discussing his work with Professor Karen Beckman.

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When asked this past Friday at an event in Carnegie Hall whether the beloved Headmaster Dumbledore had ever fallen in love, J.K. Rowling astounded her audience by announcing that he was, in fact, gay.

Rowling sees the Harry Potter series as a “prolonged argument for tolerance,” which will, of course, only further enrage the Christians who already hate her books. She encourages her readers to “question authority.”

I did always think that Dumbledore’s powder-blue robes and his propensity for using girlish pass-codes for his office seemed a little odd (Lemon Drop? Seriously?). And then there’s the pet Phoenix. What heterosexual man keeps a bird as a pet?

With so many phallic objects — swords, snakes, wands, broomsticks — playing key parts in the narrative, the possibilities for innuendo are endless:

Harry: Headmaster, I simply cannot control my broomstick.
Dumbledore: Let me show you - first, you grip it tightly, then, you take off…

Apparently fan-fiction sites have already had lots of fun with stories in which Draco and Harry go at it on the Quidditch field. And I do not mean chasing the Golden Snitch.

I’m not the only one who got this e-mail celebrating Penn’s fundraising kickoff, and I felt it needed to be decoded from administration-speak:

“Dear Donors,

Tonight, thousands of you — big-time donors, donors, future donors, and more donors — joined with me to launch Penn’s first of many fundraising campaigns in nearly two decades. Making History: The Campaign for Penn has an ambitious goal of $3.5 billion, and we’ve only raised $1.6 billion. Let’s pick up the slack.

We celebrated the beginning of a five-year endeavor that will require the slave-like devotion of our entire community. I promise you this: When we achieve our goal in 2012, our bank account will be overflowing!

A great campaign, however, is not just a goal to achieve or a distinction to reach; it is also a journey that strengthens the bonds of our fellowship while deepening our devotion to a great cause. So ask the people of Philadelphia for money, too. It’s called Penn Connects.

I encourage you to take a moment now to visit our campaign website and make a donation. No, really, now. I’m watching you.

It is time to be making history. And now it is time for my manicure! Toodles…

<3,

\\//\\*~AMY~*//\\//

Here’s what impressed me about former Dean of Admissions Lee Stetson: his ability to always get quotes in the newspaper for nearly everything about the college admissions process. Even if an article featured colleges other than Penn more prominently, Stetson somehow managed to snag the pull-quote. Anyone else notice this? I mentioned it at a dining hall last week and Wharton freshman Josh Lipman duly agreed, “Whenever I opened up the New York Times or Wall Street Journal and read an article about college admission, [former] Dean Stetson, sure enough, was quoted.” Likewise, College freshman David Bournas-Ney said, “I read many articles about the college application process and the majority of them quoted [former] Dean Stetson.”

Here are some examples:

The flurry of Wall Street Journal articles: From an article on waitlists to a feature on transferring, Stetson seemed to be guaranteed a say.

The shout-outs continued, from the Washington Post to the New York Times–again, in articles that did not focus on Penn.

As I became aware of this, my first move whenever reading about college admissions was to locate the Stetson quotes. Chances were great that I would find his words tucked in somewhere. Now, of course, that won’t happen anymore.