34th Street’s sex survey issue has certainly been a thumping success. Yesterday, I heard people talking about it all over campus, and multiple people asked me which part of it I was blogging about. The answer came when I spent an hour arguing with a friend about masturbation. (When else does inspiration ever strike?)

The Street statistic says that “the majority of guys … claim to have a wank 4-8 times per week.” Sounds about right to me. My friend, on the other hand, fixated on the high end of the scale. “Eight times a week?” he said. “That sounds excessive.”

My female friends all agree with me — guys masturbate more often than they eat, sleep, or breathe, right ? Every teen comedy we’ve ever seen has told us this. The guys I talked to, though, had the same opinion as said male friend. Excessive.

“If you’re jerking off 8 times a week, you’ve totally given up on your sex life. You’ve just accepted that you’re not going to get laid. And you’re not engaging in enough human contact,” they said.

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Sometimes when you’re with a friend from a dual-degree program, it almost feels as if they quietly carry this sign with them:

Sadly, I have only one degree, one concentration, and some of my Huntsman/M&T friends never let me forget it.

Not all dual-degree students are cocky. Despite her humility, fellow writer Jenny Zhan is taking way too much unwarranted criticism for her column in today’s DP.

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Dear Penn Community,

As your Supreme Commander and new member of mayor-elect Michael Nutter’s transition team, I wanted to explain how Penn will contribute to this new administration. This list is not exhaustive. But it should give you a feel about who will be representing Penn in Nutter’s administration in the coming years.

Chairman of the ‘Philicon’ Valley Commission — Ryan Goldstein

Don’t think Philadelphia’s got the goods to be the next high-tech hot spot? Then you haven’t met Ryan Goldstein! Only a junior at Penn and already forging global computing cooperation, reaching out to the internet’s best and brightest, and still passing “Ethics and Social Responsibility for Engineers.” He will make AKILL-er appointment.

Deputy Mayor of “Safety” Initiatives — Rafael Robb

If I could describe this former economics professor in one word, it would be “honest“. With “hardly” a blemish to his name, he’s got the best plan to lead this city to “security.” Toe the line “Killadelphia,” or you might get Robb-ed!

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Today’s nostalgic account of the trial beginning for the “screwdriver bandit” of yesteryear really tickled my insides. Remember when we used to joke about the ridiculous shit West Philly criminals pulled? Now, there can be no lighthearted jokes — rape and GSW’s are just not that funny.

In light of the fact that the early action pool of applicants has dropped 1.5% this year, Penn really needs to create some positive press. “Junior Indicted in Hacking Scheme”? Try again.

If the University won’t do something drastic, the responsibility inevitably falls on the shoulders of its students. Call me trite, but if we care about our university, we must be a part of the solution to its declining appeal to incoming students — if at least to protect our $150,000 investment here. My suggestion: march on Gutmann’s house and demand that one day’s worth (2 million dollars) of the Capital Campaign funds be dedicated to buying out Club Wizzards.

Let’s get creative here. Instead of sitting back and complaining about the state of affairs, let’s take action — the more ridiculous the better. That way we can be sure to gain a spot on the 10 o’clock news, instead of the panty thieves, hackers and rapists. Who’s with me?

Engineering junior Ryan Goldstein is expected to be indicted today for his role in a world-wide computer hacking ring. Goldstein allegedly helped some New Zealand nerd named AKILL access Penn computers to use “as a staging ground for a 50,000-computer attack against several online chat networks.”

From what I can make out of the article, Goldstein was in a chat group called TAUNET, but there was some sort of fight and he got kicked out. Then he was like “oh no you didn’t”, and waving his finger joined another chat group to ask for revenge. There he found AKILL, the ringleader of a bot group called “The A Team.” AKILL then pitied the fool Goldstein and helped him launch an attack on TAUNET and other targets.

Possible accomplice?

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I’m all for violating the human rights of perverts, but this is probably the worst idea ever. New Jersey just passed a law banning sex offenders on parole from using networking sites like MySpace.com and Facebook. Give up Facebook? Go cold turkey? If sorority girls can’t do it, then pederasts won’t be able to either. Networking sites are like their crack cocaine.

And so like crack, Facebook needs to be something sex offenders are weaned off of. Here’s an idea: just pass a bill making all convicted sex criminals register that information with networking sites. Their public profile should be marked with a little star or something, meaning that they’ve committed a sex crime. People have a right to know; I think that’s like the law or something.

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Aside from recently being named the “sexiest major on campus”, other benefits of being a Communications major are that you get to have professors like David Eisenhower (I bet you can’t guess who his grandpa is!) and get all-expense-paid trips to exciting places like Los Angeles, Boston, or — lucky for me — Kansas City, MO.

While the purpose of the trip was to do research at the Harry Truman Presidential Library for my Communication and the Presidency class, I did manage to get in some sightseeing. After four days in Booneyville, it’s no surprise that I was missing the City of Brotherly Love.

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Now-former Penn economics professor Rafael Robb has pled guilty to killing his wife, Ellen, in a crime of passion in their Upper Merion home, and now faces up to 20 years in prison. Despite the setback, however, Robb promises his students won’t be left in the dust.

“We have a lot of ground to cover next semester, and this small hiccup won’t interfere with my plans for the curriculum,” Robb stated in a recent interview.

Even though Penn immediately called for his resignation, he says he refuses to be separated from his first and only real love: economics. He encourages students to sign up for his new class next semester: ECON 146, “Game Theory in the Contemporary American Justice System,” which will be entirely podcast via iTunesU.

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To all male students in the School of Engineering, math majors, or those living in Kings Court, I present you with an image you may have yet to see in person:

Hold on boys, don’t get too excited now. Keep both hands on the keyboard where I can see them.

This was one of several objects of obsession of Diexia Wang, the Penn senior arrested recently for allegedly stalking females and stealing dozens of undergarments .

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Finally, Penn provided answers to the question that has plagued campus this semester. Who is that kid, and why is his picture hanging above Fisher-Bennett?

According to today’s DP article, conceptual artist Braco Dimitrijevic’s “Casual Passer-By” Series attempts to exploit the “fickleness of celebrity” and pose questions about today’s society. Subject and College Sophomore Michael Howard apparently gets questions all the time about why his picture resides in such a prominent spot.

But Maureen Rush and her friends at DPS should probably take a cue from Dimitrijevic.

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