[Movie trailer voice] Coming this November…

Two candidates. Two heroes.

In a world of uncertainty, bloodshed, and UberIslamoFascism. Only one hero and one presidential candidate can survive. [/Movie trailer voice]

In tough times like these, we need tough guys to help guide our country. Sylvester “Rocky” “Rambo” Stallone wholeheartedly agreed with me this past Thursday when he endorsed Senator John McCain for President.

Stallone eloquently explained,

“I like McCain a lot. A lot. And you know, things may change along the way, but there’s something about matching the character with the script. And right now, the script that’s being written and reality is pretty brutal and pretty hard-edged like a rough action film, and you need somebody who’s been in that to deal with it.”

(In this tortured analogy, we can assume that Ahmadinejad will play the role of Apollo Creed.)

But Stallone isn’t the only badass who has offered to save our nation. In October, Chuck Norris officially announced his support for former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee. Huckabee and Norris, along with their brutish surrogates, have pledged to fight to the death for the title of toughest candidate.

McCain promised to return to Philly to run up the steps of PMA and revealed plans to send Rambo over to “take care of Chuck Norris right away.” (see video below)

Governor Huckabee, however, believes that he has a secret weapon. He said, “When I told a crowd in South Carolina that I wanted to make America more like a theocracy, God was listening. John McCain is a great American hero, but our Heavenly Father is on my side during this battle.”

Amongst these endorsements from perennial tough guys, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney has pressured President George W. Bush to pledge his support for Romney’s candidacy. The Hollywood blockbuster Top Gun was loosely based on Bush’s service in the Texas Air National Guard.

Critics have questioned the relevance of celebrity “tough guys” in the campaign. Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner (it’s Bay-ner, perv) sees it as a positive. He recently quipped, “The Republican Party welcomes any Hollywood roughnecks to our side, given that they are heterosexual, Christian white males. The endorsements of Sylvester Stallone and Chuck Norris prove once and for all that the Democratic Party is the party of the girlie men.”

At time of publication, The Rock and Vin Diesel had not decided on a Republican candidate.

Tags: Boehner, Chuck Norris, Rambo

This entry was posted on Monday, January 28th, 2008 at 12:24 pm and is filed under Politics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.