All this talk of accents led to me keenly analyse what it is that makes accents rule, exactly.

In that light, join me in a thought experiment.

Girls (and guys) imagine a tall, tanned man with aquiline features. Lean, winning smile, the works. Let’s give him an Italian accent and call him… Antonio. Swoon-worthy, n’est-ce pas? If the physical features didn’t do it for you, that accent should certainly tip you over the edge.

Now let’s make him short and fat. His smile isn’t so winning, his face not so tanned. But he retains both his name and his delightful accent. Put beside him an identical-looking short and fat man. He could be Antonio’s twin. Except this man is not called Antonio. He is an American, and he is called Trent. Trent is from Dayton, Ohio and does not sound particularly special.

Now ladies, and some of you gentlemen, if you had to pick only one of these two rotund and vertically challenged men, which one would it be?

I’m guessing most of you go for the Italian. Perhaps it’s the mystery that comes with the accent. The allure of the unknown, of another culture. Perhaps it’s the promise of spaghetti that’s molto, molto bene. Whatever it is, I’m guessing at least eight times out of ten Antonio gets laid and Trent goes home to… play video games.

“Ok,” you say. Of course Trent loses. He is not exotic at home.

We now transport Trent across the water to England. Here we place him opposite another identically short and plump man named Nigel. We limit the choice of the local girls to Trent or Nigel. But look! Nigel seems to have won and Trent goes back to his hotel room alone to… watch movies.

“Perhaps the English are just xenophobes,” you say. Very well, Trent is then instructed to go and try his luck in Germany. Here he meets another lookalike named Helmut. Yet again he loses out when the local babes go for their local boy. How odd.

The same happens in Japan, Egypt, Russia…

So why does Trent fail miserably and why did Antonio win back in Dayton, Ohio?

Truth is, Americans that I love, your accent is the only one in the world that is nothing special - other than the fact that it might be accompanied by the not-so-mighty American Dollar. People don’t find it sexy.

And I cannot give you a concrete explanation. Perhaps America’s own cultural success has led to this. The all-permeating nature of American television has maybe removed the exotic nature of the foreign accent. When they hear you speak they think of Friends and Baywatch and President Bush (Ha! Try and get laid now…). Perhaps the government has turned the world against the people. Perhaps Trent would not only lose to Jacques in France, but also have Jacques lead the squad that comes to stone him. When the citizens of the most powerful and affluent country in the world speak in foreign lands, the feelings they engender are not usually ones of attraction.

Sorry to say this, my dear friends, but my accent rules.

Tags: accents, England, exotic, getting laid, thought experiment

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