If you’re like me, then you spend most of your waking hours daydreaming about a world where squirrels and humans coexist in peace. For one thing, it’d be a place full of hilarious rodents like the one below. And for another, it’d be devoid of people like Mike Huckabee — who said he used to fry squirrels in a popcorn popper back in college. (Seeing all those folks around him eating squirrel meat was probably what convinced him that humans haven’t evolved.)
But echoing what countless relatives, psychiatrists and elementary school teachers have told me in the past, there aren’t many people like me. In fact, it seems that my pro-squirrel views put me in the vast minority on campus, as Penn is overrun with people who’d love nothing better than to see our squirrels die.
Take this guy for example, who outlined his plan to personally exterminate Penn’s campus squirrels back in ‘96. Or read this article, which makes squirrels out to be snack-stealing pests who inhabit dorm rooms and even the president’s house. (Maybe they could teach her how to have an appetite.)
Or if you’re really in the mood for some propaganda, order one of these “Twirl-A-Squirrel” devices to keep rodents off your bird feeder. (They’re effective and fun to watch! And, umm, 60 bucks.)
I just don’t understand why Penn students hate squirrels. They like the same things as us: alcohol, water sports and reproducing like mad. They’re harmless outside of carrying rabies, which does nothing beyond “causing encephalopathy and ultimately death.” And they’re beloved on other campuses, so why not here?
Until I figure that out, I’ll continue to be that lone student feeding the squirrels, playing with them and occasionally talking to them when life gets me down. And for the rest of you, go buy a damn popcorn popper.
Tags: popcorn, squirrels, water sports
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January 31st, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Squirrels haven’t been around as long as cockroaches. They are even tastier in a popcorn popper. Try them sometime.
February 27th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
[...] red-tailed hawk has been spotted on campus. And like every student except Jon, it hates squirrels. Here it is disemboweling one outside Van [...]