In the last few decades, judging people by the color of their skin or by their ownership of a uterus has become socially taboo and practically inefficient. However, stereotypes live on. In the first few weeks of class, it is important to identify the good study partners, infrequent bathers, and obnoxious question-answerers. I’ve found that the best way to judge people is based on the drinks that they bring to class. Here is the message you are broadcasting when you sip your favorite beverage whilst taking notes:

Honest Tea: I’m changing the world, one crappy-tasting tea at a time. Most likely a humanities major, I know all the ingredients of my beverage and I can tell you exactly which hill of the Himalayas they were tenderly gathered from.

Starbucks latte: I was actually wide awake this morning, but I will lose all indie street cred without my most important accessory. Sure, I spent twelve dollars on this mostly-whip-cream coffee, but it’s worth it if the cute mandolin/oboe/accordion/bongo player in my Existentialism class notices me.

Gatorade/gallon of water from Wawa: If you can’t tell that I’m an athlete by my Penn Athletics jumpsuit, backpack, stoic demeanor, protruding biceps, or unintelligible comments, just check out this gallon of water! Sure, the season ended three months ago, but with every sip, I can relive the glory days: Week 4 against Dartmouth!

Au Bon Pain coffee: I’m a Whartonite who can’t actually pronounce Au Bon Pain (Chinese is much more useful in today’s business world). My business aspiration is to eventually buy out the store and rename it “ABP.”

Einstein Brothers coffee: Dude, I’m just sleepy.

Red Bull: I have, like, SO much shit to do. Oh, bro, did you see the basketball games this weekend? 2-0 in the Ivy League, baby!

Mysterious clear liquid in water or Nalgene bottle: Sure, it is 9 a.m. on Tuesday, but its never to early to pre-game for Thursday night. I have to constantly straddle the line between suave concealment and confident boasting.

Flavored water/Diet Coke: I’m the chunkiest girl in my sorority, but even the threat of seizures won’t stop me from losing weight. By the way, I just got a Brazilian this weekend. Yeah, they left a little landing strip of hair. I call it the Main Line.

Tags: beverages, the Main Line

This entry was posted on Monday, February 4th, 2008 at 8:37 pm and is filed under Penn. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.