It’s no secret that humans are getting older. Medical reports have identified dozens of reasons for this trend, among them healthy eating and exercise. And one professor — University of California’s Michael Rose — predicts rather drastic life expectancies for the near future.

“In 400 years, people will live to be 1,000,” Rose told the Orange County Register a few years ago. “We’ll be playing golf in our 900s.” (”Fore!” “What?” “FORE!!” “What?!?”)

By Rose’s estimates, some humans alive today will go on to be 200 years old. Just imagine how crowded Denny’s will be.

By my count, a 200-year lifespan means a few things. First, Larry King might live another 30 years. Second, somebody somewhere is working on new Viagra that could raise the dead. (As opposed to the near-dead.) And third, people will soon get a lot uglier. And smaller. And more out of touch with today’s youth.

So is older really better? Apparently, Penn answers this question with a resounding “yes.”

Over the years, for example, Penn has quarreled for the title of “America’s oldest university” with Harvard, which makes the same claim during campus tours. The facts are as such: Harvard was established before Penn, but Penn was recognized by the commonwealth of Pennsylvania one year before Massachusetts recognized Harvard.

This school’s affinity for being elderly, however, doesn’t stop there. Notice how Penn has preserved Franklin Field for decades so it can continue to be the “oldest stadium still operating for football games.” It also boasts the nation’s first scoreboard, built in 1895 — which came in handy when our football team first scored in the 1950s.

Look, I think it’s awesome that this university is so old. But why does my dorm room floor have to creak when I sneeze? And the history behind Franklin Field is great. But I don’t want to be there during next year’s home opener when the whole thing collapses, killing all seven spectators in the process.

So get over yourself, Penn. The oldest never meant the best.

Tags: old, out of touch, viagra

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 13th, 2008 at 4:00 pm and is filed under Ivy League, Penn. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.