Spring Break is just around the corner, and that means students have one thing on the mind: sex. At the University of Iowa, for example, sex classes are filling up like crazy. And here at Penn, this Thursday is yet another installment of Sex Camp on the Quad. (Also the unwritten theme of all my childhood Boy Scout retreats.)

But this season’s biggest sex star is John McCain, the 120-year-old presidential candidate who carried on an alleged affair with a lobbyist more than thirty years his junior. In that light, I’ve decided to ask Larry Craig — Idaho’s Republican sex scandal expert — for a few political sex tips, just to keep things fresh this spring. Below are some of his secrets (or at least what I’d expect him to say).

(1) Try a public place.
I know what you’re thinking: “Hey Larry, don’t you have a wife and kids and a hypocritical heterosexual facade to keep up? Why would you ever risk all that by having sex in public?” My answer: for the sanitation!

(2) Always communicate what you want with your partner.
Let your mate know whatever turns you on — cuddling, tickling, even setting him up in a subordinate position while calling him Hillary. And make sure to communicate any specific terms — like if you would prefer not to see him again and want him never to speak of the event at hand. If that last claim happens to fit your situation, make sure you get it in writing.

(3) Attend to your partner’s needs and make sure you attend to his.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from politics, it’s that you can take all you want without ever giving back. But this rule doesn’t apply to the bedroom. If your mate entertains your desires, make sure you return the favor. Remember, the only thing worse than blue states are blue balls!

(4) Always find out if he’s a cop
This is important. Normally it’s pretty hard to spot a cop from a normal guy, but there are some dead giveaways. First, if his handcuffs aren’t pink and fuzzy, you should be suspicious. And if you flirt with him by asking whether he’s excited to see you or if that’s a gun in his pocket, make sure his response is the former.

So who needs Sex Camp?

Tags: boy scouts, Larry Craig, spring break

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 27th, 2008 at 12:02 pm and is filed under Penn, Random. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.