Oxygen, sleep, and food. These are the basic physiological necessities. Without them, we’d be quite uncomfortable and complain a lot. Once we tired of complaining, we’d give up and die. But I say, we’re too young and pretty to die (look at my picture). 

So before you freak out, let’s just think this over. Oxygen? Check. Sleep? Check — thank you time management. How about food (i.e. nutrients, sustenance)? Get out your Family Feud signs: survey says X. Now it’s time to freak out.

Every time I hear that grumble in my tummy, I remember. And it pains me. The West Philadelphia “dining scene” makes me want to barf. (No fair! I thought I’d get to binge before I purge.) The Woody Allen in me got me thinking: What if I remain in a perpetual bilious state… and just wither away? How am I supposed to obtain safety, love, esteem, and self-actualization?  

You see, the problem is that whoever blueprinted Philadelphia (Kevin Bacon’s father) entrusted Penn to provide us with suitable eating establishments. Mr. Bacon, didn’t you know that quality trumps quantity — especially with food? And that many of Penn’s students are kosher!

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So I came across a ticket thanks to my shady connections about three hours before Karl Rove spoke at Irvine. And I tell you — he may be evil, but he’s a genius.

Interestingly, during his recollection of the first few hours on Air Force One after 9/11 happened, he said the following:

“Eventually the President wanted to return to the United Sta–, er, I mean the nation’s capital.”

Did he just misspeak? I think not. The president was in Florida, right? They so went to Mexico.

Then I laughed, for he started to talk about the sanctity of the United Nations, after which he also said “We are in a war against Islamic terrorism.” Karl Rove, probably number three in an administration that has done untold damage to the credibility of the United Nations, talking about its sanctity. My friend sitting next to me said, “I love this guy, he’ll go anywhere just to win a point.”

Seriously, old Turd Blossom could convince you Hitler was just misunderstood if he wanted to. I want him to join the Penn Model UN team.

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Penn students are a brave sort. We occupy buildings to fight for a living wage… oops, that was Harvard. We rally against controversial speakers like the Minutemen founder and Karl Rove… er, sorry, that was Columbia. And a prep school.

But making change by standing up for Barack Obama? That we can do.

According to Mara’s DP column yesterday, the campus is turning evangelical for Obama; Barack-oholics are selling shirts, wearing buttons, and redecorating Facebook pages in his honor.

And unless you flew Oceanic 815, you know that Obama’s kicking butt across the country. The man’s won 10 straight primaries; in Wisconsin, he took 70% of the under-30 Democractic vote (and probably an even greater share of college-age voters). Plus, he’s staying hip. Slate — which yesterday noted Obama’s five-point national lead over Clinton — last week unveiled its Encyclopedia Baracktannica. More importantly, he’s won the coveted endorsement of Lloyd from Dumb and Dumberer.

Despite securing the Lloyd vote, Barack’s fight for the Democratic nomination isn’t over. But on liberal campuses like Penn, it’s not a bold, underground move to support Obama — it’s increasingly the norm.

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Despite what my picture suggests, sometimes I need a haircut. I know it’s that time of year when my hats don’t fit anymore or when strangers come up to me and give me change. Whichever comes first. Then I borrow some clippers from a friend, pluck out all the pubic hair stuck in them, and shave my head.

But it recently came to my attention that such grooming habits are generally frowned upon, so yesterday I tried something new. I went to Aveda, the new haircutting school at 40th and Chestnut. Aveda is a big bi-level warehouse — it would have made for a great club. But does it make for a great hair salon?

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The University has announced that Michael Bloomberg, the mayor of New York (as if our NYC inferiority complex wasn’t apparent enough) will be the 2008 commencement speaker. Considering that Jodie Foster spoke two years ago, this is very good news.

But not so fast.

This the same Michael Bloomberg who, despite numerous reports and signs to the contrary, has consistently denied that he will be running for President as an independent candidate. Could we get stood up?

Much like the nationwide speaking tour that fanned the flames of his rumored White House aspirations, Bloomberg has begun speaking around Penn’s campus. In his first scheduled stop, he addressed several hot-button issues, “The dining hall employees are bitches. The high-rise elevators are too slow. Most importantly, there are tremendous sexual inequities, with Wharton and Engineering students getting figuratively, not literally, screwed.”

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Earlier this semester, I enrolled in Music 070 in an effort to con my way out of Penn’s quantitative data requirement. It’s one of the few eligible classes not in the math department, so I figured I’d breeze through the course and maybe pick up some beat-boxing skills on the way.

But alas, my plan failed miserably — I should’ve known I was doomed when I listed “Alicia Keys” as my all-time favorite composer. While everyone else in the class seemed to pick up complex rhythms and time signatures with ease, I was left giggling whenever someone said pianist. So I dropped the course and that was that.

This is not to say, however, that I hate Penn for making me suffer through an inevitable semester of math. I’m slowly starting to realize how important math is to every situation; I can’t even pay my tuition bill without adding together some huge numbers.

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The potential first ever male First Lady is coming to a campus near you. Very near you. This one, in fact (and not Drexel).

It seems somewhat more than a coincidence that President Clinton plans to come to campus just as it appears that the Pennsylvania primary might actually count. And he’s talking on a race thing, apparently. No, nothing to do with an election at all. He is, after all, the nation’s first black president.

Personally, I’d love to go hear him speak. I’ll be queuing for my ticket early. He is a terrific speaker and I thought he was a great (if not great, then very good) president and I’m interested in what he has to say. I also want to tell my grandkids that I saw Bill Clinton speak. I have absolutely no interest in being able to say the same time about his predecessor or his successor. Do any of you feel that way too?

I like that Penn is getting a round of decent speakers for a change. After Jodie Foster’s Eminem moment (see below), I feared that we would be the Ivy with the crappy speakers.

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Unless you live under a large, white button — or don’t read The DP — you are probably already aware of (or maybe have mourned the) the demise of “Street Sweeper.” The DP scrapped 34th Street’s scandalous anonymous gossip section this semester. It has been replaced by “Overheard at Penn.”

Still, Penn students will not settle for gossip mediocrity, for Penn students are not mediocre. So something needed to be done — fast. We tried calling our parents for help — no response. We tried using our Ivy League status — laughed at. We even tried to pay our way through — declined. But then, by some undeserving miracle, our prayers were answered: Juicycampus.com.

No, it’s not a Campusfood spinoff (fatty!), but a new outlet for our scandal-ridden, Yenta-like tendencies. Juicy, deeply satisfying, has come to the rescue.

Who can join the elite ranks of this site, you ask? Anyone.

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Like Stanley Milgram and Phineas Gage, Kitty Genovese is a key name in the field of psychology. The story of her widely-witnessed, unreported rape and murder came to define what’s called the bystander effect — the phenomenon of group apathy or paralysis in the face of a disaster.

Early Sunday morning, I, along with dozens of other drunken idiots outside Zee Bar, fell victim to the bystander effect. And if my story is less gruesome than Genovese’s, it’s as troubling and disheartening.

It started when I got kicked out of the club and into the street, where a crowd had already gathered. Two girls were alternately shoving and straddling each other, to the soundtrack of much hooting and hollering. These girls were young and well-dressed — they could have been Penn students were they less attractive. Two guys, clearly Zee Bar veterans, were catching all the action on a high-end video camera.

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Our economy is in crisis. Five hundred people a day are dying in Darfur. And closer to home, many of us face a lifetime of debt.

So, faced with these mounting challenges, our elected officials in Congress have decided to… play baseball.

If you have been near a television in the past week, you surely witnessed footage of our brave Congressmen interrogating Roger Clemens, famed pitcher-turned-steroids scapegoat (giving a new meaning to “small ball“), and his trainer-turned-whistle-blower, Brian McNamee. Allegedly, Clemens lied to Congressman George Mitchell when he was compiling his 400-page report on steroid use in baseball.

Here’s Congressman Dan Burton (a “family values” conservative who ironically is also known for his kinky affairs and “skirt-chasing“) grill McNamee. (Notice his blingin’ ring.)