A few days ago, when I returned from the week-that-feels-like-24-hours known as Spring Break, I expected to be welcomed back with kindness by this university. After all, temperatures are rising, fewer Philadelphians are being murdered and this city is the political place to be right now — so my RA and GA should at very least be in a good mood, right?
Wrong. For them, this week starts the inevitable month-long countdown to Spring Fling, when students tend to drink too much in the midst of “rocking out” to acts like Ludacris and Gym Class Heroes. (I never thought I’d say this, but why did Limp Bizkit have to be a joke?)
So instead of a warm welcome after break, I was greeted almost immediately by a light blue, caps-lock-friendly flier with the following header:
Riepe College House PENALTIES FOR ALCOHOL VIOLATIONS
The sheet goes on to list various punishments for drinking, from “community service” (’cause frequent boozers are great with kids) to “4 hours of alcohol education” (bartending class?!) to the incredibly vague “police action.” Needless to say, I was scared.
Below the list of potential penalties, however, was a section labeled “Medical Amnesty,” which detailed the only way to viciously abuse alcohol and dodge the consequences at the same time. Apparently, if someone gets wasted enough to seek “medical treatment,” he or she is protected from Penn’s alcohol policy. This sends an interesting message: Students, don’t drink. But if you do, get hospitalized.
That said, there’s a second way to gain immunity if you want to engage in rampant boozing (I’ve heard it leads to frequent Grammy awards). If you happen to be the person “seeking help” for that previously mentioned overly-intoxicated someone, you are also free from University consequences. Yet another interesting message: Students, don’t drink. But if you do, know someone who gets hospitalized.
So this Spring Fling, don’t get messed up. Or get too messed up. Otherwise, you might end up helping the community.
Tags: caps lock, Fling, medical amnesty
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March 19th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
I’m pretty upset about the fact that I can’t bring alcohol into my room, even though I’m 21, because some underage freshmen want to get there drink on and puke out their window.
March 21st, 2008 at 11:57 am
[…] of fact, half the stories I overhear on campus start or end with some variation of: “I was so drunk.” This is often offered as an excuse or explanation for behavior that is ridiculous, rowdy, […]