I thought things were pretty bad: violent crime is up, we’re nearly in a recession, and massive polar ice regions are being reduced to raisins in the sun.
But whatever — all that shit doesn’t matter today, because for just $29.99 (and a lab fee of $119) you can finally find out who your baby daddy is.
Go to your nearest Rite Aid — actually the one on Broad Street — and an over-the-counter paternity test can be found in aisle six, on the shelf close to the condoms and under the Excite Female Sexual Stimulating Gel.
If the cheek swab test is done correctly, these tests are 99.9% accurate. That’s pretty impressive. It sure takes the fun out of “Guess Who” whomp whomp.
But seriously, this is a pretty big deal for a lot of Americans. Research has shown that about 10-20% of Americans incorrectly assess who their real fathers are. Let’s do the math. 15% of 300 million citizens = 45 million who may now be able to call the right guy “papa.”
There are psychological and health benefits to knowing one’s father. It’s extremely important to know your biological family’s health history. Cardiovascular disease, depression, and Alzheimer’s, just to name a few, are common, hereditary conditions.
Still, these tests hold little legal weight — it’s difficult to prove who really took the test, although they will be used in custody and child support cases. Think of it as a semi-legal, semi-curiosity test.
Upon first assessment, the presence of over-the-counter paternity tests appeared kind of desecrating (and tacky). Shouldn’t these intimate tests be performed by doctors, trained technicians, and, I suppose, “Jerry Springer” employees? But the more I thought about it, the less ridiculous it seemed. Everyone has the right to know who their father or child is. If these tests are more easily accessible, hooray for all.
And the next time someone asks me the uncomfortable question of “Who’s your daddy?”, I can finally answer with a huge smile of certainty.
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