“I feel like shit.”

That was the response from a source within AlliedBarton, who wishes to remain anonymous for job security reasons, when I asked about his feelings on the annual bag check policy.

Though the bag checks started less than two weeks ago, enthusiasm amongst the guards has noticeably waned. Most of the time, they haphazardly glance at the backpacks as students walk by. Sometimes, they don’t bother to look at all.

Additionally, the AlliedBarton source expressed discontent over not getting paid more per hour during the weeks leading up to Spring Fling, even though he has to work overtime with less break time.

He said that this policy is different from last year, when he made roughly a dollar more per hour. Larry Rubin, spokesperson for AlliedBarton, was “not aware” of any change in policy in regard to more compensation for employees.

This isn’t the first time that AlliedBarton has come under scrutiny on Penn’s campus.

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It’s that time of year again. Sometime between the relaxation of spring break and the all-consuming fun of finals, we get Mental Health Awareness Week, brought to you by Penn’s own Active Minds. (Full disclosure: I get regularly spammed by their listserv. I’m not really sure why.)

While they have actual events planned to help you learn to cope with stress, I thought I’d share a few tried-and-true methods from a nonprofessional with no real claims to mental stability.

1. Glare at someone. I recommend anyone serving food at Commons. As Philadelphia has apparently outlawed smiling in the service industry, you might as well take out your annoyance on someone who hates you anyway.

2. Exercise. Nontraditional options include running from muggers, improving your upper body strength by holding your door shut, or taking self-defense classes. Do it the Penn way.

3. Eat right. Food pyramid be damned. Stress eating doesn’t involve anything green. Hit up the brown and the red instead. Spring florals will disguise any unflattering side effects, and a chocolate eclair will make you forget all about whatever you’re supposed to be doing.

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If you believe in abstinence until marriage, I think you’re scared and repressed.

Honestly, you abstainers, why knock something you haven’t tried? Sex is wonderful.

I see it this way: if I’m going to sit for hours in the library and study for midterms, spend an hour on the elliptical because I sat for hours, and eat food in the dining halls because my parents wanted me to have a meal plan, I should at least allot myself thirty minutes of intimacy.

If the prudes and fanatics prefer not to masturbate or orgasm, that’s on them. Not only are they missing out, but they’re fighting a losing battle. Biology is hard to beat. We are programmed to want sex. And honestly, I’m tired of religion denying people their basic, biological rights.

Still, I understand their pleas of “The media is so evil. We’re rebelling against society’s horrible standards. We believe a woman is worth more than her sexuality.”

Yeah, I agree, but the facts are clear - pledges of abstinence are empty promises.

Sex abstainers are six times as likely to engage in oral sex (head = STDs) than sex enjoyers, and they are less likely to use a condom when they finally have sex (on average just 18 months later than non-pledgers.) Oh, and rates of sexual transmitted diseases are equal in abstainers and enjoyers alike.

(Plus, didn’t Jamie-Lynn Spears shun premarital sex?)

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