Unfortunately for the class of 2012, they couldn’t pass on Convocation this year. If it wasn’t for that big, capital M in the circle on the NSO program, they could all have gotten a head start on gathering into packs, eating in dining halls and sleeping with their next-door neighbors.

I had the pleasure of singing at last night’s Convocation with the Penny Loafers, and lucky for the Loafers, we ended up being the best segment of the night.

The University kicked off the hour-long celebratory bash with the agonizing faculty stroll-in, and once the old people were seated, the class of 2012 got to hear about what other people wrote for their admissions essays. Riveting. From running for president to swimming for Olympic gold medals, Penn’s class of 2012 certainly got creative with their 217th pages of their autobiographies. What big dreams we have, freshmen!

I have news for you, Interim Dean of Admissions Eric Kaplan: None of them cared about anything you said last night. Half of these kids were admitted in 2007 and don’t remember what they wrote, and the other half had a great view of the dessert tent.

Somehow, they next let President Amy Gutmann near the microphone.

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The solution is clear.

Lots of change seems to be happening on the east side of campus.

And while there are always construction workers tooling around our sidewalks in their impressively loud and obstructive life-size Tonka trucks, this past semester saw a great increase in the number of overall-clad workmen roaming from Walnut to Spruce. We all know about the Palestra’s summer makeover, and we’ve heard murmurs of revamped athletic facilities due to grace campus by 2010.

But I’m still wondering, why all this construction and still no solution?

You see, the way I look at it, the greatest problem facing Penn students today is congestion. That’s right. The need for speed. In this dog-eat-dog world, where a college student has to pencil “personal hygiene hour” into his schedule, timely travel is a priority.

Every day I find myself cursing the non-New Yorkers among us, who just can’t seem to shuffle down Locust fast enough for me. There are simply too many people in too small a space. And with the recent graduation of the only unicyclist on campus, things aren’t getting any better.

Thus, I call for change. Rather than budgeting an ungodly amount of money for a new tennis facility, it’s time Amy Gutmann put a little aside for the solution.

Ziplines.

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I had to say it for the first time on Tuesday. “Cohen Hall.”

I was talking to a transfer student who is taking Econ 001, and when I was telling him where the class was probably located, I had to stop myself. “Logan” nearly slipped all the way past my lips.

“I mean, now it’s Cohen Hall.” I rolled my eyes.

A lot of people have been ranting about the name change of Logan Hall to Cohen Hall. I understand that alums are offended by the fact that such a historical building is being affected by donor politics, but no one seems concerned about other long-lasting ramifications.

I think of it as more of an inconvenience — I don’t want to offend anyone who has an alliance to a particular name. Having to correct myself for an entire semester could waste calories better spent elsewhere.

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