The solution is clear.
Lots of change seems to be happening on the east side of campus.
And while there are always construction workers tooling around our sidewalks in their impressively loud and obstructive life-size Tonka trucks, this past semester saw a great increase in the number of overall-clad workmen roaming from Walnut to Spruce. We all know about the Palestra’s summer makeover, and we’ve heard murmurs of revamped athletic facilities due to grace campus by 2010.
But I’m still wondering, why all this construction and still no solution?
You see, the way I look at it, the greatest problem facing Penn students today is congestion. That’s right. The need for speed. In this dog-eat-dog world, where a college student has to pencil “personal hygiene hour” into his schedule, timely travel is a priority.
Every day I find myself cursing the non-New Yorkers among us, who just can’t seem to shuffle down Locust fast enough for me. There are simply too many people in too small a space. And with the recent graduation of the only unicyclist on campus, things aren’t getting any better.
Thus, I call for change. Rather than budgeting an ungodly amount of money for a new tennis facility, it’s time Amy Gutmann put a little aside for the solution.
That’s right. Ziplines.
Picture it. You’re in Rodin when your alarm goes off at 9:47 a.m. Class is at ten and your B- average isn’t being helped by your incessant tardiness. Though your head is pounding from a late night at Smokes, you manage to move it across the bristles of your toothbrush and you slap on a sweatshirt.
9:53. You go to your window, which has been rigged to open only once your harness has been safely secured with a carabiner, and you leap off the windowsill.
9:56. You’re sitting in your seat, legs and arms crossed, smiling and having no trouble breathing, as you patiently await the professor’s arrival. And you’ve even managed to put an apple on his desk.
Ziplines, Gutmann. Think about it.
Tags: construction, Gutmann, ziplines
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September 4th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Wow, this could revolutionize campuses everywhere, forget just PENN. Ziplines rules. One thing - who is going to be the legal counsel on retainer for the plethora of head injuries and subsequent lawsuits that will no doubt ensue?
P.S. nana looks like the joker
September 4th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Definitely would have saved some time getting to class. But come winter, who wants to come to class with their face redder than the love statue?
September 5th, 2008 at 9:04 am
If not ziplines, what on earth does that $40,000+ cover?? I had just assumed…
P.S. If nana looks like the joker, what does that bode for me?
September 6th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Shout-out from Sam Apple’s class!