Most of you were probably too wasted this NSO to notice, but amidst the merrymaking and sloppy grinding, tragedy struck the Penn campus.

The body was first discovered late Monday night near the Bridge Cinema. Approximately one pound in weight, the Philadelphia native was seen earlier that night stumbling across Walnut in a drunken stupor, solo cup in paws.

Thought to be alcohol-induced, the incident is being investigated by several interested students with camera phones. Although an autopsy has yet to be performed, this blogger knows death by jungle juice when she sees it. That’s one squirrel you won’t see before bio class on Wednesday.

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We could all learn a lot from Josh Hamilton, an outfielder for the Texas Rangers and the comeback story of the moment.

He is the man of this summer’s Homerun Derby fame — snatched up by the MLB right out of high school, he had the largest signing bonus ever forked over to a high school grad. He proceeded to do what most mixed-up 18 year olds would do with four million dollars — he blew it on coke (no, not the kind that offers endorsements), cars, and just about anything else that could have detracted from his baseball career.

But after a few years of weeklong benders and a sub-par batting average, he did what all good struggling athletes do: he found Jesus, made peace with his demons and went back to work, eventually earning a starting spot on the American League’s lineup for the All-Star Game. 

Now he keeps to a very strict regimen. He never has more than 20 dollars in his pocket and if he isn’t at the Rangers’ clubhouse he is in his apartment. But the most striking element of Hamilton’s turnaround is his handler/mentor Johnny Narron whose sole job is to keep Joshie out of trouble. 

This makes me wonder — what if we all had handlers?

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Ah, off-campus housing. It is perhaps the minimal definition of “cool” here at Penn. I remember the excitement of signing my lease way back in November. Everything was perfect. I was taller, braver.

Fast forward ten months and I’m moving in. YES!!

Unforeseen blessings discovered upon move-in included… The mold on my ceiling! The lack of central air! The spiders! Oh, yes, the spiders were so happy to have me. I was in store for many precious gifts.

The first gift I received was that of familial harmony. Yes, my parents and I were afforded the opportunity to spend twenty-six consecutive hours together in a small, sweaty bedroom. Parental involvement is at best a mixed bag.

Beware: your parents will absolutely love hating everything about your new digs. Nothing brings a family closer together than 1000 variations on “What was wrong with the high rises, William?”

My parents and I also really bonded over the little surprises in my new home, like cleaning the shovel-loads of mouse crap off my windowsill and taking bets on when in October I’d die of asbestos poisoning. (My dad said the 20th. I said I wouldn’t make it to Yom Kippur.)

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