Some things about Penn are rough. Elevators are suspect. Libraries open and close willy-nilly. Ron Daniels appears and disappears. And finally, it’s hard to kill yourself here.

Like, really damn hard to kill yourself. (In fact, one might argue that’s a good thing. Meh. Also, stop reading somewhere around HERE if you get all uppity with sensitive things. My editor would like me to link to ponies and rainbows at this point in the post.) 

So what do you do at Penn if you just, you know, need to kill yourself?

Tragically, the answer may be nothing.

Unfortunately, Penn is located in a place large enough to distract from one’s inner torment. The windows in the high rises have been engineered so that they are physically impossible to fit through. Most academic buildings are set at a height that would severely injure, though not kill. (No fun!) Science departments and the Medical and Dental schools monitor their hazardous waste with alarming care. And dammit, Allied-Barton is everywhere.

So what is a would-be saddo to do here at Penn? Cries for help only go so far, people! And lord knows eating disorders are way played out.

With this in mind, some very disturbing friends of mine took it upon themselves to determine the best places to kill oneself on campus. I hope their research can help.

1. Beijing Restaurant — Is MSG a classy way to go? Does it matter?

2. Annenberg Center, room [censored] — This room is one of a very few on campus with person-sized windows. That’s right, no bars or depressingly small openings. Be sure to jump out of these windows with force, though, as the drop itself may not be enough to conclusively kill you.

3. College Hall — “Ahhhhh! There are so many crazy ideas whirling around my head right now! I don’t know what to believe. I don’t know who I am or why I’m here. Make it all stop!!!” Bonus points if you impale yourself on the large statue of Mr. Franklin in front of the building. (In fact, impalement on any of our many likenesses of Mr. Kite is a decently respectable way to go out.)

4. Radian — Thank God for the newest addition to Penn’s messy architectural identity. This lovely piece of Communist architecture is definitely tall enough and sure makes the perfect anti-21st Century statement. (“What does the future hold for us as a people? NOTHING! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!”) The building has a ton of potential jump-off points, but for best results, the top is probably your safest bet.

Happy torment!

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