A week or so ago, The Daily Pennsylvanian told us about how the University selects its highly prestigious Penn Integrates Knowledge (PIK) professors. PIKs, after all, hold appointments in two University schools.

I’d like to nominate a few individuals who, while eminently qualified, may be overlooked by the archly conservative bastions of academia here at Penn. I urge the University to closely vet these individuals and make one of them the next Penn Integrates Knowledge Professor.

1. The criminology department could use a lift from Professor Suge Knight. Professor Knight would hold a joint appointment in Wharton, where he would teach the future leaders of Wall Street about business ethics and which federal prisons are coziest. Professor Knight is a great choice to educate the Whartonites as his personality makeup is pleasantly similar to theirs.

2. Last year, someone was apparently hired for his “real world experience.” With that in mind, I think actor Paul Giamatti would be an excellent choice to teach us about the life and times of John Adams in the history department. He did, after all, star in a miniseries on the second president. Let Giamatti teach “blah blah blah on the media” in the Annenberg School and wa-la!, a PIK professor is born.

3. The only person I can think of that could really enhance my knowledge of the real world and the liberal arts simultaneously is an obvious choice as a PIK professor: Professor Combs. What, didn’t you know the “P” stood for “Professor” Diddy? Professor Diddy would hold joint appointments in several departments — music (MUSC 202: Introduction to Mildly Infectious Beat-Making), Chemistry (CHEM 400: The Chemistry of J.Lo-Love), and Geology (GEOL 127: A Critical Analysis of the Rocks That I Got (and then Lost)). The University would be proud to have Professor Diddy teach in the Dental School, as well (great teeth, seriously).

4. I don’t want to shock anyone with my final nomination, but Kal Penn would be a superb choice to teach at our Ivy League University. This actor is probably best known to Penn students for his role as Kumar in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. Penn would be a great choice because of, well, his name, and, well… He could teach in, uh, the Asian American Studies Program. He could also, um, hold an appointment in the, um, University’s B-school. And he already beaars a striking resemblance to this man: Penn Asian American Studies professor Kalpen Modi, a man who has earned the respect of his colleagues through years of research and teaching.

Really, though, we can’t do worse than the convicted murderers, child pornographers, and actors who have graced our fine halls.

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