Fountain of knowledge, keeper of wisdom, I thank thee for thy bounty and thy grace.

For you have stayed beside me throughout my years of folly (of which there have been many), delivering me from uncertainty and ignorance.  When I was low, you helped me rise up, provided me with insight, sagaciousness, understanding.  For this, I thank you, urbandictionary.com, for I would be lost without you.

As a pre-adolescent, I needed guidance, and you were there. My naivete was vast: I thought head was what came after neck.  But you were with me to turn my gaze downward, and I was grateful.

As a teenager, I looked to you to keep me informed about the goings-on of my classmates.  I no longer contemplated in vain the meanings of phrases detonating sexual conquest, or wondered how much dosh I need to get a dubsack.

(more…)

Oprah has her “favorite things,” and while I don’t have her money, name recognition or self-titled magazine, I like things too.

One of those things is “ChaCha.”

For the unenlightened, ChaCha is a service that offers “Free Mobile Answers Anytime Anywhere.” It’s just like AskJeeves except it doesn’t suck…or require a computer. 

For the low price of well, nothing, you can have a question answered instantly by simply calling the toll-free number (see blog post title), asking your question, and waiting for a text message with a response. Your question is routed to a “guide” who is a real, live person — a graduate of “ChaCha Guide University” no less — just waiting to dig up an answer. 

According to ChaCha’s website it’s like, “having a smart friend you can call or text for answers on your cell phone anytime for free!”

I’m sure you have lots smart friends, but just in case they’re busy, I’ve taken the liberty of asking ChaCha some of the questions that surely must plague you daily. Here’s what came back:

• Q: Are investment bankers truly happy?
• A: “An investment bankers [sic] salary is very attractive so I would think they would be happy but there is no research to prove that fact.

(more…)

Who would want to see this, anyway?

September has been a very fickle month for Harry Potter fans.

First, it was announced that the sixth film, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, will not be released on the previously-announced date of November 21, but during the summer of 2009. Apparently Warner Brothers was worried they wouldn’t make enough money next summer without it. Greedy meanies.

Now, it has become apparent that tickets to the Broadway show in which Dan Radcliffe drops his pants, Equus, are going to be a little bit more expensive than his fans had anticipated. $126, actually, in order to be six rows away from the action on the night that HP6 was originally scheduled for release. That’s one big Bludger to the wallet.

Thankfully, Hollywood is offering HP fans like you and me an alternative.

(more…)

Art by author.

It looks like I might be getting some new neighbors.

Last Tuesday, the Philadelphia City Planning Commission agreed unanimously to recommend building an eleven-story hotel just around the corner from my apartment. A hotel at 40th and Pine should create a few jobs and will occupy the space of one of the only abandoned building on the block, so it’s not surprising that the proposal has advocates. (Count Penn among them.)

But the hotel would have neighbors too, so it’s not surprising that it has opponents.

(more…)

Strange things have been happening around here at night.

The sun sets, the wind whips up, and students shuffle down Locust, headed home for TV and schoolwork… But some Penn students have been staying out late.

A few have been sneaking out, waiting for the darkened nighttime streets for their fun to begin. And you’re thinking: Who are they? What are they doing? Where’s the party and why wasn’t I told? What do I wear? Can I please come, too???

Well, yes. Yes, of course you can. As long as you want to spend all night praying for your soul’s salvation, that is.

You’ve probably heard your Jewish friends grumbling about the classes they’re going to miss for the High Holidays. We’re just days away from the Jewish New Year, glimpsing apples, honey and challah bread, and asking classmates to take notes for us while we’re gone.

And a number of us have been making the trek out to Hillel for a nightly 10:45 p.m. penitential prayer service. And I love it.

(more…)

My former favorite website

Well, as I’m sure you’ve noticed by now, Facebook decided back in July to change to a “cleaner” user interface.

The new interface is pretty much equivalent to going on my computer, typing in www.facebook.com, and having a stranger come up to me and smear shit all over my screen.

And I’m not alone on this. I actually have about 2.5 million (Facebook) friends who miss their old pages just as much as I do. Of course, our hatred for this version isn’t stopping all 2.5 million of us from using Facebook, but it certainly gives us all something to complain about.

There was nothing wrong with the old Facebook. Sure, innovation and creativity are always a plus, but there was something about the old site that made me fall in love with it two years ago: Everything was on the same page.

(more…)

I have accepted my life is over until October 4, as that is when I, along with a few of you, will be taking the LSAT in an attempt to secure some sort of future in this crazy, crazy world.

To prepare myself for the process, I purchased “How to Get into the Top Law Schools,” a fantastic reference book with a self-explanatory title, and came upon a wonderful passage. I would like to share it here.

What else could you do with three years and $150,000?

Law school will take three years of your life and a lot of money. Before you commit to this, consider what else you might do. Here is just one possibility… (more…)

Some things about Penn are rough. Elevators are suspect. Libraries open and close willy-nilly. Ron Daniels appears and disappears. And finally, it’s hard to kill yourself here.

Like, really damn hard to kill yourself. (In fact, one might argue that’s a good thing. Meh. Also, stop reading somewhere around HERE if you get all uppity with sensitive things. My editor would like me to link to ponies and rainbows at this point in the post.) 

So what do you do at Penn if you just, you know, need to kill yourself?

Tragically, the answer may be nothing.

(more…)

Wine. In Spain. For lunch.

You know what I can do now?

I can drink during lunchtime. Legally. At school. In the cafeteria.

Jealous much?

Probably very much indeed. Now every Penn student will want to work their way over to Spain for this opportunity. This semester, I’m studying abroad in Madrid, doing all the things you wish you could do.

Be prepared for a rude awakening. Students at my university, ICADE, have a cafeteria complete with a fully functional bar. That’s right — a beer tap and everything.

However, few students utilize this amenity in the capacity that American students might. We can all imagine a Penn student ordering beer after beer before heading off to their afternoon classes totally incapacitated. However, the native Spanish students usually just have a glass of wine to quietly accompany their lunches.

As you may guess, there is a very different attitude toward alcohol here (as opposed to the United States). People young and old take their alcohol as a means of quenching a social thirst rather than fulfilling an undying desire to get smashed.

(more…)