Everyone knows that there are countless uses for bull semen.

But — this just in — one more has been added to the list!

For those of you with excess bull semen just lying around the house, you’ll be glad to know that you no longer have to let it go to waste; just put some in your hair a la There’s Something About Mary. Luxurious A-list spas around the world like London’s Hari Salon are now offering (for the low price of about $100) to put organic “Aberdeen Angus bull semen” in your hair to nourish your dry locks as you try and forget the fact that you just paid someone to put bull semen in your hair.

As repulsive as this may sound, this is only one example in a series of new and trendy spa treatments that involve fluids and organisms from the animal kingdom.

At the Diamond Hawaii Resort and Spa you can pay roughly $200 for an esthetician to “cleanse your skin” using a mask made from “nightengale droppings” (or, as those of us not in the public relations field like to say, “smear bird shit on your face”).

Or you may like to try a soothing Doctor Fish Massage in which you you sit in a pool of fish and allow these creatures to literally eat you alive thus relieving you of all dead skin.

But the treatment that, in my opinion, takes the cake is the placenta facial described by Liane Yvkoff on CNN.com. That is, the human placenta facial made from afterbirth taken from Russian maternity wards (whether or not the placenta is donated or sold is unknown).

Although some may think of these new treatments as exotic and fun, I like to think of them as a manifestation of a pathological need for perfection.

If plastic surgery can be addictive, then it logically follows that one can build a tolerance to its effects, craving more and more procedures to maintain that high. Unfortunately, these measures have become increasingly bizarre, humiliating and out of reach of a Pantene and Clean & Clear budget (i.e., mine).

But oh, how the tables will turn when everyone realizes that putting an anonymous Russian woman’s uterine lining on one’s face is actually nauseating. Call me old-fashioned, but I’ll be sticking with Botox and silicone breast implants.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 3rd, 2008 at 9:31 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.