My future salary
I’ve heard the economy sucks.
But to be honest, I have very little idea of what that means. Don’t try and tell me that the Dow Jones is in trouble and that I should not invest in mutual funds because as soon as you do I will go home and look up “Dow Jones” and “mutual funds” on Wikipedia because I have no idea what you are talking about.
I do understand, however, that there are fewer jobs available and therefore less money ultimately landing in my bank account. This worries me; I’d really like to be rich. In fact, that’s part of the reason why I’m at Penn: so one day someone will see my diploma and therefore give me money and health insurance.
But this plan isn’t foolproof. Graduating from an Ivy League school does not guarantee financial security. So as a public service I have decided to create a list of possible “career” paths to pursue just in case OCR doesn’t work out.
1. Marry rich. The key here is to establish trust very early on in the relationship so no prenup is drafted. Then sue your geek or rap star for all he or she’s worth.
2. Invest $15 in purchasing Bringing Down the House. Learn the MIT students’ strategy for counting cards (yes, the book does thoroughly explain it). Take Vegas for millions.
3. Prostitute yourself. The ladies in Eliot Spitzer’s prostitution ring bring in a pretty penny- $31,000 a day!
4. Become a gold digger. Literally. On your way along the Oregon Trail just make a stop somewhere outside of San Francisco, buy a shovel, and sift through some rocks (its the closest thing to growing money on trees). Just be sure you know how to swim.
5, Graduate. Get a mid-level job in Manhattan. Work overtime for approximately 10 years. Then, move to a location with a wildly lower cost of living, like McAlester, Oklahoma. Voila! Instant social mobility!
6. Never graduate. Pursue multiple degrees. Milk your parents’ ATM card for all its worth.
So don’t fret, seniors. Your options are limitless.
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