My first objective upon entering a bus is to secure a seat to myself. My general plan is to sit in the aisle seat, pile all of my stuff on the seat next to me, and immediately pretend to fall asleep. Sometimes I drool just to add another discouraging element to my charade.
But this doesn’t always work. Because of you, audacious Greyhound bus traveler, I am forced to share. You will tap me politely on the knee and nod towards the seat next to me and mumble “um, uh?” Or you will sharply poke my shoulder and say “Excuse me but may I have that seat please?” No matter your tactic, you have ruined my trip, and probably your own as well.
I am not being selfish, fellow frugal commuter, I’m doing this for your own good. Really, you do NOT want to sit next to me. Here’s why:
1. I will eat smelly food. I’m talking egg salad, tuna fish, spinach. The smelliest of the smelly foods. Right under your nose. Tickling your tender nostrils with their pungent scent.
2. I will watch pornographic television shows on my laptop. Have you seen True Blood? It’s about vampires. And sex. And vampires having sex. There’s blood, too.
3. I will passive-aggressively complain about traffic with haughty sighs and obsessive seat-shifting. I will grunt, I will groan, I will roll my eyes. I will mutter expletives under my breath, just loud enough to annoy you.
4. I will drool on you. I will sneeze on you. I will pick my nose and wipe it on you. I get carsick; I will vomit on you. I will pick my earwax and flick it at you. I will pick your earwax and flick it at you.
5. I will engage in battle with the person sitting behind me if they don’t like me putting my seat back. I will win.
I am a terrible seat partner. You will wish you had walked to New York. You will curse the day I was born. You will never be the same again.
In conclusion, please don’t sit with me ever again. Thanks!
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December 6th, 2008 at 5:31 am
What the heck?! As a Penn alum I gloss through the dp once in a while for old times sake. I really shouldn’t have.
December 6th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
[...] The Spin » Blog Archive » Why You Shouldn’t Sit with Me on a … [...]
December 8th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Good to see that the Daily Pennsylvanian still has high quality students putting out high quality articles…
December 8th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
I’d like to point out that not all alumni have lost their senses of humor… i thought Ms. Werger’s post was pretty funny, and certainly not the most disgusting account of a greyhound bus trip that I’ve ever heard (though fung wah is far, far worse). and to be honest, for a blog post, this is pretty tame, with the possible exception of the flicking earwax bit…
December 9th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
May I suggest the Bolt Bus or Megabus, both far superior and far cheaper?
December 9th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
I had no idea that this post would create such strong feelings in its readers!
I’m truly sorry for disturbing anyone, but really, it’s just a joke, lighten up!
Besides, whether or not you enjoyed the post itself, there’s really no reason to insult me personally.
Trust me, no matter how badly my blog made you feel, your comments made me feel much worse.
Anyways, thanks for the defense 2001 alum, and, commuter, bolt bus is indeed far superior, but their schedules are more limited and I am frustrated with the fact that the wireless moves at a snail’s pace!
-Chaia
December 9th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Fun fact of the day: Certain Chinatown buses have wireless too!
But they are still horrible.
December 10th, 2008 at 10:48 am
This is supposed to be discouraging?
You sound like the girl in my dreams!
December 12th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
So…. you thinking is that an attractive woman drooling, moaning, sighing and watching sex scenes on her laptop is supposed to discourage me from wanting the neighboring seat? Whatever you say, mama. Treat me like dirt!
December 16th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Chaia,
Mean anonymous commenters are the worst! Don’t let the haters get you down.
Let them try coming up with interesting and original posts twice a week — a little harder than being an anonymous jerk in the comments.
December 23rd, 2008 at 6:44 am
Blood, sex, and egg salad! What’s not to like?
December 31st, 2008 at 9:46 am
She looks hot. I would sit right next to her even if there were other empty seats to choose from
January 5th, 2009 at 7:34 am
She must have been on her way to a Penn away game.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:39 am
wow, i want 2 minutes of my life back
May 28th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Dear Chaia,
You are beautiful, you have a beautiful name, you have a great sense of humor, and I hope you keep writing.
October 19th, 2009 at 3:44 am
Dear Chaia,
I also appreciate the humor in your post. Keep writing!
Thanks,
Neil
November 28th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
I just read this post, over a year later, in hopes of writing inspiration on my paper, your writing style is always witty, intruiging, and slightly insulting to the reader in a light-hearted and enjoyable way. that being said, whoever first commented is an illiterate boob.
February 7th, 2010 at 3:28 am
Is there a follow up article for this one?
Where are the new articles?