Don't let these cute little snowflakes fool you. They are evil!

It’s the end of October, and I’m already freezing.

Having lived either in the South or southern hemisphere all my life, being at Penn has exposed me to really cold weather for the first time. Having — barely — survived two Philly winters, I feel that I should bestow the knowledge I’ve gained about how to keep warm to those of you who are experiencing cold weather for the first time.

Here goes:

1. Don’t leave your room. Ever. Not for class or even Thanksgiving break. If you leave it, there is no way to guarantee that you will not get cold this winter.

2. Drink. If you’d rather not do it alone, you can pretty much bank on the fact that frat parties are going to be warm. FYI, I hear that scotch is especially good for getting rid of a cold.

3. Accept Jesus as your Savior. His light will shine on you and keep you warm until the end of days, at which time you will ascend into the Kingdom of Heaven!

4. Don’t wear a coat at night. Especially if you’re on your way to a party. It will force you to walk faster and thus increase your body temperature.

5. Read fashion magazines. Looking at the resort collections will have you feeling the Caribbean sunshine in no time!