My first objective upon entering a bus is to secure a seat to myself.  My general plan is to sit in the aisle seat, pile all of my stuff on the seat next to me, and immediately pretend to fall asleep.  Sometimes I drool just to add another discouraging element to my charade.

But this doesn’t always work.  Because of you, audacious Greyhound bus traveler, I am forced to share.  You will tap me politely on the knee and nod towards the seat next to me and mumble “um, uh?”  Or you will sharply poke my shoulder and say “Excuse me but may I have that seat please?”  No matter your tactic, you have  ruined my trip, and probably your own as well.

I am not being selfish, fellow frugal commuter, I’m doing this for your own good.  Really, you do NOT want to sit next to me.  Here’s why:

1. I will eat smelly food.  I’m talking egg salad, tuna fish, spinach.  The smelliest of the smelly foods.  Right under your nose. Tickling your tender nostrils with their pungent scent.

2. I will watch pornographic television shows on my laptop. Have you seen True Blood? It’s about vampires. And sex. And vampires having sex. There’s blood, too.

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