You’re a sophomore at Council Rock High School North living in quaint Bucks County, Pennsylvania. You’re bored.

By the time you reach fifteen, alcohol is old news.

You experiment with some marijuana, dabble in some DXM from a half-bottle of Robitussin left over from when your little brother had a cold,  and begin your high-school-long quest for a “totally awesome high.”

You want something stronger, but not too hardcore. There’s no way you’re trying coke (your friend’s cousin tried it once and had a massive heart attack and died) and you’re afraid that the guy outside of the Wawa near your house is going to shank you if you ask him again where you can get some OxyContin.  You don’t have much hope.

But then, one day, as you are casually browsing the inter-web (read: googling “buying drugs online”) you find it.

Snurf.

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The rodent victim himself.

Most of you were probably too wasted this NSO to notice, but amidst the merrymaking and sloppy grinding, tragedy struck the Penn campus.

The body was first discovered late Monday night near the Bridge Cinema. Approximately one pound in weight, the Philadelphia native was seen earlier that night stumbling across Walnut in a drunken stupor, solo cup in paws.

Thought to be alcohol-induced, the incident is being investigated by several interested students with camera phones. Although an autopsy has yet to be performed, this blogger knows death by jungle juice when she sees it. That’s one squirrel you won’t see before bio class on Wednesday.

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