I drank too much my freshman year. And I did it legally.

For, back in the day, I was a British university student. I transferred to mighty Penn and entered as a sophomore. Memories of my freshman year are often interrupted with blurry images and something to do with putting traffic cones on the heads of the hundred-year-old statues on campus. I would see them the next day, impossibly high up and know, somehow, that I had something to do with it. Maybe. I’m not quite sure.

In Britain, most universities require you only to get forty percent in your first year - in a set of exams at the very end. Combine this with being allowed to drink legally and having bars in every dorm and you get Oktoberfest, year-round, with liquor. Even though a fair amount of drinkage goes on at dear old Pennsylvania, anyone who has been on exchange to the UK will tell you that it quite simply does not compare.

I still don’t agree with American drinking laws. They are not easily enforceable and all they really achieve is adults not being able to hold their drink.

(more…)

The Daily Pennsylvanian recently reported that Harvard University proposes to enforce women’s only gym hours (about six hours a week) up in Cambridge. In the words of my namesake and hero, Eric Cartman, that is total and utter “bullcrap!“.

Exactly why is it that women get this treatment? For those of you following Islamic law, as stated in the article, I can understand. My solution would be a separate room within the gym, rather than banning all men from the gym. That’s how they do it in predominantly Muslim countries, anyway.

But what about the rest of you??? Would you like to dress even less appropriately? Can you not stand the idea of a penis being within five hundred yards of an elliptical machine? Do you think we men care if you look your best when working out? If you do not like us staring (which we shouldn’t), then I suggest a pair of sweatpants and not skin-tight, arse-hugging, lycra, look-at-me short-shorts.

(more…)

I would just like to begin by pointing and laughing at those who were reportedly in line at 6:45 a.m. for Clinton tickets (box office opened at ten). I turned up at 9:50 and, though the line was very long, was in possession of my ticket a mere five minutes after the Clintonettes (as I shall call his most hardcore fans).

Security was tight (ish). It was both fascinating and exciting to the see the Secret Service agents doing their duties. I’d never seen any of them before, and I guess my life isn’t that different now I have.

And he was late. Boy was he late. Though not the President any more, Bill Clinton managed to live up to the “Clinton Standard Time” reputation we all know him for.

(more…)

I was having dinner last weekend at a friend’s place and, being seniors, our conversation turned to what we would do after May. Government and finance came up, but one person declared she would be volunteering to conserve giant pandas in China for six months.

Pandas? I’m pretty sure pandas are a huge cosmic joke. I think the whatever high on top of the thing wanted to see how long it would take for a useless animal to become extinct.

Recently the BBC reported on the naming ceremony for a bumper crop of panda cubs at Wolong Nature Reserve, China. They are, I admit, unbelievably cute.

But they are totally useless. They only eat one type of bamboo and they have to eat about thirty pounds of the stuff every day just to stay alive.

What if something came to hunt it? Let’s go through its thought process…

(more…)

So I came across a ticket thanks to my shady connections about three hours before Karl Rove spoke at Irvine. And I tell you — he may be evil, but he’s a genius.

Interestingly, during his recollection of the first few hours on Air Force One after 9/11 happened, he said the following:

“Eventually the President wanted to return to the United Sta–, er, I mean the nation’s capital.”

Did he just misspeak? I think not. The president was in Florida, right? They so went to Mexico.

Then I laughed, for he started to talk about the sanctity of the United Nations, after which he also said “We are in a war against Islamic terrorism.” Karl Rove, probably number three in an administration that has done untold damage to the credibility of the United Nations, talking about its sanctity. My friend sitting next to me said, “I love this guy, he’ll go anywhere just to win a point.”

Seriously, old Turd Blossom could convince you Hitler was just misunderstood if he wanted to. I want him to join the Penn Model UN team.

(more…)

The potential first ever male First Lady is coming to a campus near you. Very near you. This one, in fact (and not Drexel).

It seems somewhat more than a coincidence that President Clinton plans to come to campus just as it appears that the Pennsylvania primary might actually count. And he’s talking on a race thing, apparently. No, nothing to do with an election at all. He is, after all, the nation’s first black president.

Personally, I’d love to go hear him speak. I’ll be queuing for my ticket early. He is a terrific speaker and I thought he was a great (if not great, then very good) president and I’m interested in what he has to say. I also want to tell my grandkids that I saw Bill Clinton speak. I have absolutely no interest in being able to say the same time about his predecessor or his successor. Do any of you feel that way too?

I like that Penn is getting a round of decent speakers for a change. After Jodie Foster’s Eminem moment (see below), I feared that we would be the Ivy with the crappy speakers.

(more…)

So, click on this link, and see how the month is spelt. Yes, Febuary. On the Penn Ice Rink calendar. Sad thing is, this is almost certainly not a typo. Somebody thinks this is how it is spelt. The mispronunciation of FebRuary has long been a pet peeve of mine. You may gather from this that I have many pet peeves of the rather odd variety. You would be correct.

But seriously, what does it show about the education system? Not very much, I guess. I mean, Americans can’t spell anyway, and spelling is at the centre of a lot of stuff. But still, this is ridiculous. I usually have a sense of humour about these things. Laughing brings colour to my cheeks (which, if you look at my picture, you will realise is rather hard to do), yet I cannot stomach this.

And see where this lack of spelling, this adoption of American “English”, as got you? Now you can’t spell February. What’s next, the University of Pencilvania? The Younited States of America? Defense? Plow?

(more…)

The Archbishop of Canterbury is the operational head of the Church of England and de facto spiritual leader of the worldwide Anglican Communion, known here as the Episcopalian Church. Invented purely because Henry VIII was horny. Never come between a man and his new booty when he is also head of a nation. Just ask Nicolas Sarkozy, president of those randy French.

The present Archbishop, Dr. Rowan Williams, recently commented that aspects of Sharia (basically Islamic law) should be given legal standing with English law. This subsequently managed to piss off, well, everyone. Condemnation has poured in from across the entire political spectrum. From crazy knee-jerk xenophobes who railed against accommodating Islam in Britain’s Christian heritage to those frightened about the limiting of women’s rights, no-one seems to be happy with the Archbishop’s thinking. There have been calls for him to resign.

I, too, disagree. But not because of the vicious reasons that people have been, rather disconcertingly, espousing over the last week.

(more…)

I will get one. It is inevitable. Why? You ask.

Because I will have a job. It will be one where the emails pertain to important things. I write in response to the delectable Miss Himeles who reported on the use of Blackberries (or since they aren’t actually berries, is it Blackberrys?) a few days ago, and in response to Miss Gordon, who wrote an opinion piece back in September.

Miss Gordon, you are not inadequate for your non-use of the Blackberry. You are, in fact, getting more out of your college life and I am glad to see from your wonderfully sarcastic article that you got that point. I am huge fan of a decent spot of sarcasm. For those of you for whom it is still like a foreign language, read the piece and learn.

You see, Miss Himeles pointed out that Blackberr(ies)(ys) apparently suit the pre-professional outlook here at Penn. I would like to add one thing: PRE - professional. Pre. You know what actual bankers see when they observe Penn students walking around with Blackberrys(ies?). No, it isn’t, “Wow, that kid really has it together, better hire him!” It’s, “Seriously, what the hell sort of email does he get that he needs to have it right away?” or “What a prick.”

(more…)

Or is it State of the Unions?

Anyway, as a senior, I can breathe a sigh of relief now that Emeril Lagasse, renowned Food Network star (”It’s more than a cookery show, it’s relaxing!”), will not be sending me off into the real world with his Crab Remick recipe. By the way, when you watch the YouTube clip I want your opinions on whether the cameraman was drunk.

Nevertheless, I wonder what Lagasse’s speech would have been like…

(more…)