Whore?

Dear World,

I believe the trouble began with anime porn.

Apparently, human beings were growing so increasingly dissatisfied with sex and so ever-more infatuated with Tiny Tunes that the next step had become obvious: combine the two to form one dysfunctional fetish. Pokémon enthusiasts were thrilled: if a 10 year-old androgynous ball collector could get laid, maybe there would be hope for them!

And for the most part they failed.

And here, World, is where you really began to go astray.

These socially-inept losers somehow managed to discover a way to engage in a wildly fulfilling sex life instead of just watching cartoons with poorly coordinated voice-overs.

Enter Second Life.

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As you may or may not know, Advance Registration ends on Sunday.

If you are anything like me (read: huge nerd), you find these two weeks among the most exciting in the semester. For exactly 14 days, I am filled with wide-eyed optimism about the opportunities the next semester will bring, conveniently disregarding the fact that even the most interesting and enjoyable classes entail work that I never feel like doing, spending money on textbooks that I never feel like reading, “midterms” that occur approximately every 20 minutes and professors who make me feel like I should not have passed kindergarten.

One of the greatest things about Penn is that there are hundreds of courses to choose from, ranging across a breadth of subjects, and there are hardly any restrictions on what you can learn.

One of the worst things about Penn is that it adheres to the 168-hours-per-week schedule that the rest of the world tends to follow, making it difficult to manage all of the courses that sound attractive in such a limited amount of time.

Therefore as a public service I have decided to draft a Penn Course Cipher that will help decode the often-overwhelming Course Register and equip you with the appropriate tools for selecting the best spring semester schedule possible.

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Jews are so hot right now.

According to the article “Why More Colleges Want Jewish Students” by Elizabeth Redden on insidehighered.com, colleges throughout the United States are subscribing to the Field of Dreams ideology, hoping that constructing Hillel houses and organizing kosher meal plans will attract Jews to their campuses like moths to a flame and thus increase their campus’ diversity.

And some, like Virginia’s Washington and Lee University, have been successful.

But the key question is why “actively recruit” Jews? Why not Mormons or Muslims or Hindus?

Yes, we are decidedly awesome and clearly outrank Scientology in terms of number of celebrity believers (even if you count Kirstie Alley twice). But apparently Joaquin Phoenix and Scarlett Johansson are not reason enough for people to seek out our presence.

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In my basement lies — both literally and figuratively — my childhood.

In the affectionately named “Barbie Graveyard,” one can find scores of Barbies, Barbie heads and legs, a broken ping-pong table covered in potential hand-me-downs waiting for their moment to shine with my non-existent younger sister and awesome board games such as “Ask Zandar,” “Mall Madness” and “Dream Phone.”

These playthings not only characterized what I did with my free time (i.e., all of it), but who I would choose to associate with. Classmates would have their parents arrange playdates for us because they heard rumors about my unparalleled Barbie collection.

My “best friend” admitted that she preferred my sister to me because my sister did not share my slightly obsessive — yet way ahead of my time in terms of comprehending sanitary procedure — rule forbidding my Barbies to share clothes.

You may think that fostering friendships at Penn is more complicated than Barbies. It isn’t.

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I wish

Last Wednesday, 9 Tishrei, you may have noticed approximately 30% of the Penn population heading to Hillel or their respective homes to try not to think about food for approximately 25 hours.

It was Yom Kippur, and Jews everywhere were atoning for their sins, scrambling to get a place in the Book of Life (aka. God’s Top Friends list) and avoiding being written in the Book of Death (aka God’s shit list).

As I sat in class and stared at scores of selfish people revealing pastry bags from Au Bon Pain and spilling precious crumbs on their notebooks, I became increasingly bitter. Why were only Jews taking time that day to go to our rooms and think about what we had done?

Penn has certainly committed more sins than I have!

So I decided that in order for our school to get written in the Book of Life and dodge the collapse of the capital campaign, the University of Pennsylvania must atone for the following sins:

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My future salary

I’ve heard the economy sucks.

But to be honest, I have very little idea of what that means. Don’t try and tell me that the Dow Jones is in trouble and that I should not invest in mutual funds because as soon as you do I will go home and look up “Dow Jones” and “mutual funds” on Wikipedia because I have no idea what you are talking about.

I do understand, however, that there are fewer jobs available and therefore less money ultimately landing in my bank account. This worries me; I’d really like to be rich. In fact, that’s part of the reason why I’m at Penn: so one day someone will see my diploma and therefore give me money and health insurance.

But this plan isn’t foolproof. Graduating from an Ivy League school does not guarantee financial security. So as a public service I have decided to create a list of possible “career” paths to pursue just in case OCR doesn’t work out.

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Everyone knows that there are countless uses for bull semen.

But — this just in — one more has been added to the list!

For those of you with excess bull semen just lying around the house, you’ll be glad to know that you no longer have to let it go to waste; just put some in your hair a la There’s Something About Mary. Luxurious A-list spas around the world like London’s Hari Salon are now offering (for the low price of about $100) to put organic “Aberdeen Angus bull semen” in your hair to nourish your dry locks as you try and forget the fact that you just paid someone to put bull semen in your hair.

As repulsive as this may sound, this is only one example in a series of new and trendy spa treatments that involve fluids and organisms from the animal kingdom.

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Say goodbye to your personal lives, ladies and gentlemen.

It’s 1984.

A recent article by John Hechinger in the Wall Street Journal cites several disturbing studies that conclude that between 10 and 21 percent of the top 500 colleges in the United States

acknowledged looking at social-networking sites to evaluate applicants. Of those colleges making use of the online information, 38% said that what they saw “negatively affected” their views of the applicant.

What is more disturbing is that applicants have actually been rejected based upon photographs and information conveyed in their Facebook profiles.

In a related phenomenon, employers are also checking on prospective and current employees’ Facebook profiles to look for content that they believe would shed negative light on their company. Some companies (including the one I worked for this summer) actually require their employees to allow them full access to their profiles, and threaten dismissal upon seeing anything unrepresentative of the image they want to display.

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I am a huge fan of any sort of get-rich-quick scheme or other shrewd gimmick that is based on falsities or striking fear in consumers. My opinion is that if you can somehow coax someone into buying a ridiculous product, then you deserve their hard-earned $19.99.

In the past, these ploys were limited to getting paid to shop (after you pay $9.95 for membership), earning FREE MONEY, and buying the Hannah Montana 2: Non-Stop Dance Party CD for $20.

But lately ridiculous purchases have infiltrated the aisles of our precious pharmacies and are the basis for entire stores. Of course, I am referring to the lucrative vitamin and supplement industry.

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Being an adolescent undeniably sucks.

First and foremost, there’s puberty and all of the splendid goodies that go along with it: cracking voices, B.O., pants that fit snugly around the waist but are six inches too short, acne, and ridiculous padded AA-cup bras. Teens are too young to do anything fun — that is, besides use drugs and have sex.

The good news is that drug use among pre-teens and teens ages 12 to 17 has decreased.

The bad news is that now all there is to do is have sex.

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