The deep, dark abyss that is finals week looms ominously in the distance.

The lackadaisical among us may hide in warm beds, watching re-runs of “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila“, munching on snacks bought up with excess end-of-the-semester Dining Dollars, while others move into Van Pelt, hibernating in study cubicles, feverishly copying notes and creating outlines.

What to do when those grades don’t turn out as expected? Well, an article published yesterday in The New York Times calls this type of obsession over perfectionism self-destructive and potentially damaging to mental health.

The article states new studies “suggest that perfectionism is a valuable lens through which to understand a variety of seemingly unrelated mental difficulties, from depression to compulsive behavior to addiction.” Oops. So I guess meticulously organizing my flashcards in both chronological and alphabetical order, color coded and labeled, might be an indication that something else is, say … off?

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Penn’s own infamous “Page Six” column, Street Sweeper, offers up the best of Penn’s trashy gossip peppered with so many acronyms, pseudonyms and euphemisms that it’s often indecipherable. I have to admit, it’s quite entertaining and often cleverly written–it’s easy to laugh at the expense of the drunk and uninhibited.

As long as the drunkard is not a friend … or worse … yourself.

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Today’s nostalgic account of the trial beginning for the “screwdriver bandit” of yesteryear really tickled my insides. Remember when we used to joke about the ridiculous shit West Philly criminals pulled? Now, there can be no lighthearted jokes — rape and GSW’s are just not that funny.

In light of the fact that the early action pool of applicants has dropped 1.5% this year, Penn really needs to create some positive press. “Junior Indicted in Hacking Scheme”? Try again.

If the University won’t do something drastic, the responsibility inevitably falls on the shoulders of its students. Call me trite, but if we care about our university, we must be a part of the solution to its declining appeal to incoming students — if at least to protect our $150,000 investment here. My suggestion: march on Gutmann’s house and demand that one day’s worth (2 million dollars) of the Capital Campaign funds be dedicated to buying out Club Wizzards.

Let’s get creative here. Instead of sitting back and complaining about the state of affairs, let’s take action — the more ridiculous the better. That way we can be sure to gain a spot on the 10 o’clock news, instead of the panty thieves, hackers and rapists. Who’s with me?

Now-former Penn economics professor Rafael Robb has pled guilty to killing his wife, Ellen, in a crime of passion in their Upper Merion home, and now faces up to 20 years in prison. Despite the setback, however, Robb promises his students won’t be left in the dust.

“We have a lot of ground to cover next semester, and this small hiccup won’t interfere with my plans for the curriculum,” Robb stated in a recent interview.

Even though Penn immediately called for his resignation, he says he refuses to be separated from his first and only real love: economics. He encourages students to sign up for his new class next semester: ECON 146, “Game Theory in the Contemporary American Justice System,” which will be entirely podcast via iTunesU.

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Thanksgiving means different things to all of us. For most Americans, it means a tryptophan-induced coma topped off with pumpkin pie. For Penn professors, it’s an excuse to give an extra paper assignment, 300 pages of reading, and a midterm on Monday. For international students, it means attending lectures on the “history” of Thanksgiving.

Here are a few things about Penn that I’m thankful for:

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General introductory courses here at Penn can be some of the toughest in the curriculum. The “econ scream” is a testament to that. And anyone who has suffered through Chemistry, Biology or Physics 101 will tell you — it wasn’t fun.
These courses are designed to provide students with a broad foundation of knowledge. Classes are large, curves are usually prodigious, and breadth takes precedence over depth.

Some schools are trying to change this. At Cornell, for example, professors have suggested amending the biology curriculum to rid it of large introductory classes and instead offer 5-6 smaller, more specialized classes.

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“Despite this discomfort, I will continue to press on as one of the last beacons of strength and morality. That may sound too pompous for the rather insignificant matter at hand, but courage on any level is hard to find these days. Political correctness, a weakening morality and lack of courage are suffocating our once-great nation.”

Sounds pretty serious … that is, until one realizes this guy is defending his right to scream “NOT GAY.”

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In an email forwarded to many listservs yesterday, Undergraduate Assembly Chairman Jason Karsh demystified some of the rumors surrounding the two sexual assault incidents that occurred between 5 a.m. and 10:30 p.m. Monday.

No thanks to the ambiguous DPS email that went out last night, we now have the facts.

4000 Block of Spruce Incident:
-Yesterday morning at about 5AM a female student was sexually assaulted in her apartment
-the victim was not physically injured
-this was reported in the DP and was the 3rd incident of stranger rape that has occurred at Penn since 1994
-they are highly unusual but naturally have a deep impact on the psyche of those within our community

Security Guard Incident:
-A Penn student was offered to be escorted by an Allied Barton security officer, which is normal procedure if an escort sees someone walking home alone and is not currently on a call.
-The Allied Barton security officer, who has worked at Penn for nine months with no prior criminal background, exposed himself.
-He was quickly identified after the incident was reported and was taken into custody.
-He is no longer employed by Allied Barton. - NO UNIFORMS HAVE BEEN STOLEN. Any reports of stolen uniforms are false.

Of course, both incidents are horrible, and my thoughts and prayers go out to the victims of such random, disgusting crime.

What perturbs me the most is that the protocol for informing the campus of these events encourages student gossip and rumor to take over, flooding out the potential real dangers that we may or may not be facing.

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As anyone who’s been recently assaulted by overly ambitious flyering on Locust knows, it’s a cappella season.

This weekend I was conned into going to the PennSix show by friends who I was sure must have been eating Aqua Dots, because they claimed I’d love it. Judging by Penn’s recent embarrassment in the Ivy-League a cappella scene, I was highly doubtful that I would not want to gauge my eardrums out with a blunt object.

Surprisingly, I was entertained, impressed, and a little turned-on.

Ron Paul’s name has been plastered all over our campus, and I finally found out who the hell he is, thanks to fellow columnist Stephen Krewson. After some research of my own, I’ve found he’s not the Vendetta-seeker Krewson makes him out to be. Not with white supremacists and Mel Gibson’s dad endorsing him, at least. That’s more crazy than I can handle.

While Krewson’s column about the parallels between Congressman Paul and Guy Fawkes of V for Vendetta fame was thought-provoking, for me, the most infuriating information about Paul was that (1) he’s an obstetrician/gynecologist and (2) he’s a Republican, and thus probably pro-life.

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