Five hours a night is no way to live.

You know those people - maybe you’re one of them. Our campus is full of folks who regularly get six or less hours of sleep per night.

Until recently I never knew how they did it. But an article about two sleep studies, one published here at Penn in 2003, helped shed some light.

Basically, when people consistently forgo hours of sleep every night, eventually they stop feeling tired. Sound familiar? The downside: they still display the concentration, reaction time, and memory impairments you would expect from sleepy people.

In short, you can zombify yourself, but it’s not good for you.

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It was a whole new world.

Despite my declared anti-vegetarian tendencies, a friend of mine convinced me this week to take a Magic Carpet Foods ride. If you’re not sure which cart they are, just follow the long line. Whether at the alcove by Meyerson or at their 36th and Spruce location, these folks never lack hungry and willing consumers.

So, in the spirit of open-mindedness, I gave them a whirl. I tried the Bella Donna, which consists of magical tofu meatballs on rice and veggies. I assume the magic rests in supposed resemblance between the meatballs and those made with actual ground beef.

I have to say, it was pretty good. Don’t get me wrong -– while my eyes may have been fooled, my tongue certainly wasn’t. While the meatballs tasted great, it was when judged on their own merits, not in the court of meat.

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Speaking of asinine signs, check out the one on the side of Copa Banana:

Come to Copa for Philly’s “best” margaritas, burgers, and fries. It’s brilliant. To the casual observer, they promise top-notch food and drinks, but if you try to pin them down they’re not actually claiming anything.

More people should try this tactic. Forget U.S. News & World Report, let’s just tell people we go to the “best” school in the country. Philadelphia is the “safest” city around. The Eagles are “first place” in the NFC East.

Mom, if you’re reading, I’m getting a “4.0″ this term, and I’m going to be “employed” next year.

It’s about time.

I have good news for those of you who thought there weren’t enough places to buy coffee on campus. The pleas of the visible caffeinated minority at Penn were finally heard about a month and a half ago, with the opening of a brand new Starbucks at 34th and Chestnut St.

It’s perfect for when it’s too inconvenient to make it to Wawa, Bucks County, McDonalds, Williams Café, Café Prima, Mark’s Café, the other Wawa, the other Starbucks, Au Bon Pain, Così, the coffeepot in your room, or the other other Starbucks.

As for me, I’m content to leave the list of things I need to function at food, water, air, sleep, and shelter.

P.S. – Did I miss anywhere?

Thar be treasure all ’round, if ye know where to look.

Why, I found a treasure chest just in the bakery section of the oft-maligned Fresh Grocer:

Go around the country and order a “Philly” cheesesteak. Very few places can even come close, and the number one shortcoming is in the roll. It doesn’t seem like it would be so hard to replicate, but the taste of these mockeries proves otherwise. Have these people even been to Philadelphia?

So for just 50 cents you can have the envy of the nation. Mmm mmm, there’s nothing I like better than getting me some steak and onion and cheese to go with them and frying up some local pride.

I see how it is.

There’s an article today in the DP about plans to make the tennis courts by the Palestra into a new park. This location coincidentally also borders the math/physics building, David Rittenhouse Laboratory.

I get the message. The Athletic Department wants to help the University create green space and get rid of eyesores. I’m not naive enough to believe that a few tennis courts are all they’re after. We nerds can’t punt, can’t pass, can’t kick, and we’re next.

Fears of annihilation aside, the circumstances we will face while DRL is allowed to exist will not be pleasant.

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Bright, shiny junk.

I’m not a Mac user and thus don’t have direct experience of the new Leopard operating system. However, my indirect experience with the OS so far is as follows:

• My housemate went in on a license only to find that his computer didn’t have enough RAM to run Leopard smoothly.
• My professor (Sam Apple, ironically enough) was unable to print for our class on Wednesday because Leopard didn’t work with his printer.
• I read this story in the DP about students having trouble connecting to AirPennNet on Leopard.

Are we talking about Apple here, or Windows 98?

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I’ve always been bothered by the door to the Fine Arts Library:

Not a very good door then, is it?

Says College junior and library employee Ben Wiebracht: “People still try to open it all the time.” The message must not be clear enough - they should get a bigger sign. Or, you know, just open the door.

Don’t get me started on the opaque windows.

Bad news, Phillies fans.

Curt Schilling announced today that he is signing a one-year contract with the Boston Red Sox, with a base salary of $8 million and incentives up to $14 million. You won’t see ol’ Curt in red pinstripes again.

One of the incentives stuck out to me. Schilling can earn two million dollars in “weight incentives.” Yeah, that means what you think it means. If Schilling maintains a certain weight through the season, the money is his – about $4 for every minute he isn’t fat.

As ridiculous as it sounds, it makes sense that Schilling would be worth more when he’s in shape than when he’s, shall we say, round. All organizations have a vested interest in the health of their employees. Penn might even do well to follow Boston’s example.

Raising $3.5 billion is no easy task, and Penn president Amy Gutmann has few pounds to spare. I know her contract was just extended, but the Trustees might want to consider offering some weight incentives of their own. We want Dr. Gutmann to be healthy, for her sake and for the sake of the capital campaign.

If I can’t have all-time favorite Phillie back in town, it would at least be good to know things are in good shape with my school.

Is it serving the community, or just community service?

Those passing by College Green the past two days couldn’t help but be solicited for change. The twist was that those asking were not actual homeless people, but the brothers of Alpha Epsilon Pi. Check out the scene:

They’ll end up camping out for 48 hours, collecting money for a local soup kitchen. As one of the brothers put it (standing in a suit, mind you), they’re becoming homeless for two days, presumably for the sake of those who don’t have a choice. I see the resemblance: they guilt passerby into giving spare change, and you can’t help but wonder if they’re just going to spend it on booze.

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