Etiquette is necessary.

Penn bikers suffer from a mild dose of confusion, apathy, or both when it comes to parking (I suspect apathy). Observe Exhibit A:

Our bike racks provide two options for locking: racks alternate one large space with two wheel-width spaces for locking. The question is, which should we choose?

It’s a matter of efficiency.

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Why will people pay money for what they could have for free?

Ask Jonathan Greenblatt. As reported yesterday, Mr. Greenblatt, founder of Ethos Water, will give the keynote address for Integrity Week on November 14.

If you’re not familiar with Ethos Water, it’s just about the most socially-conscious water you can buy. Owned by Starbucks, a nickel of each overpriced bottle goes toward “helping children around the world get clean water and raising awareness of the World Water Crisis.” As a side note, I like the tactic of emphasizing the importance of your cause by capitalizing it. Would anyone like to donate toward the Nick McAvoy Post-Graduation Employment Crisis?

Yes, Ethos reaffirms the comforting message that we can solve the world’s problems by buying more things. We need not change our lifestyles at all. Go ahead, buy your double-tall exploitative caffeine fix, and grab an Ethos for the road. Be aware of the World Water Crisis — very aware — especially the degree to which your philanthropic purchase is, at this moment, relieving the suffering of many millions.

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I was walking down to DRL from the Drexel trolley stop the other day when my heart leapt at the sight of a food truck:

Burgers, shakes, fries — and more! As if I need anything more! It was love at first sight.

Imagine my dismay when, like Jacob with Leah, I beheld my would-be bride with full clarity:

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Thanks a lot, Nick.

My class was planning on going to the Werner Herzog lecture. Despite arriving almost fifteen minutes early, we were greeted by an absolutely packed auditorium. Soon we were shooed away from the entrance by a man in a suit with a German accent.

I really wanted to go, too. Herzog is a fascinating character — you know, he once kept his lead actor from quitting by threatening to shoot him? I envy those who are at this moment basking in the director’s eccentricities while he muses on humanity’s most turbulent century.

The extent to which the department has The Spin to thank for the full house is difficult to ascertain. In any event, let’s hope the DP gives us some good coverage tomorrow.

Last time, I promised to offer a dynamic replacement for the Quaker as our school’s mascot. I encourage you to keep an open mind as you read my suggestion.

Whether or not you’re familiar with the life of Edward Bulwer-Lytton, you’ve undoubtedly heard the adage coined for his 1839 play Richilieu; Or, the Conspiracy. Quoth the playwright, “The pen is mightier than the sword.”

There’s nothing quite like a well-executed pun. Were our school to capitalize on the opportunity presented by this saying, not only would our name recognition problems be a thing of the past, but our fans would be given plenty to cheer about.

Enough beating around the bush. I’m suggesting that we cast off the Quaker and become the Penn “Is Mightier.”

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Penn has a mascot problem.

Ours is the Quaker. It doesn’t make sense to me–I assume the logic goes like this: Pennsylvania was founded by Quakers, and we’re the University of Pennsylvania, so we should be the Quakers, too.

On the surface that is sort of understandable, but it doesn’t get far. Not only was our illustrious founder, Dr. Franklin, decidedly not a Quaker, but our first provost William Smith actually published anti-Quaker pamphlets, one of which suggested “cutting their Throats.” (Don’t you love old-time capitalization?)

So if we’re really going by the values of our founders, then we should be the Deists. The problem there is that since Deists don’t bring us oatmeal, no one really knows what they look like.

Then there’s the nightmare of trying to run an athletic program named after a group of pacifists. Who can rally behind that? We want our mascot to inspire our athletes–to be the focal point of our excitement–but we’re left with a guy known for shaking. The Quaker fails–we know that behind his stupid grin, he’s really saying, “Let’s not compete.”

The Quaker should go. Inertia and tradition are poor excuses for sticking with something which doesn’t work.

I know it’s one thing to diagnose a problem, and quite another to offer a solution. Tune in next time when I propose to do just that. I’ve thought of a doozy of a mascot, and I can’t wait to share it.

My writing seminar is having a reunion dinner tonight.

Yeah, that’s right. I don’t know about your writing seminar, but mine was a blast. Not only did we learn a lot, not only was the material a ton of fun, but virtually everyone in the class got to know and like one another.

What manner of course was this, you ask? The class was “Introduction to TV Criticism,” and the professor was the brilliant, radiant, and always-entertaining Gail Shister.

Professors of all small courses, not just writing seminars, should strive to achieve the same kind of bonding that Shister managed to foster within our class. As is much-lamented, while Penn is full of the most diverse collection of students you will find anywhere, we spend most of our time around people just like ourselves. Befriending those outside our usual circles is as important as the material we learn in class.

In addition, openness among classmates allows them to participate more freely, and thus better learn the skills taught in the course.

So how did she do it? How can other professors create such a great environment?

First, fun material. Watching Curb Your Enthusiasm or The Colbert Report hardly seems like homework, and assignments based off of these TV shows made learning enjoyable. Obviously, most courses don’t have themes quite so enjoyable, but professors are smart. They can get creative.

Second, field trips. It may sound juvenile, but nothing brings a class together like a shared experience. Midway through the semester our class went to New York to see a taping of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, and growth in the class afterwards was exponential.

Third, experts. Shister worked an unprecedented 25 years as The Philadelphia Inquirer’s TV columnist, and she used her clout to bring big names to the class. From Law & Order: Special Victims Unit executive producer Neal Baer, to NBC News president Steve Capus and, most recently, ABC World News anchor Charles Gibson, Shister’s classes have been treated to conversations with major industry movers. All Penn professors are experts, and they should also bring those at the top of their fields to their students.

Finally, effort. All of this happened because Professor Shister cares about her students and wants their academic experiences to be as rewarding as possible. Professors should look at teaching those who will follow in their footsteps as a privilege, rather than a distraction from research.

Taking them out to dinner once in a while doesn’t hurt, either.

Let me just say, you have fantastic taste, or time management skills, or both.

I know what time of year it is. The week before fall break is full of midterms. Yet, you took time out of your busy studying schedule to browse our fine publication. Bravo, you’re finally getting the hang of balancing schoolwork with other, more important things.

In return, I’ll do you a favor. While many upscale stores surround our construction-ridden campus, you may not have had the chance to check out what each is currently offering. Tell you what, I’ll do it for you.

First, the new Eastern Mountain Sports. If you’re confused because you thought we already had an EMS, that’s because we did. They moved two blocks to 34th and Chestnut, but who am I to say they can’t have a grand opening sale? In any case, if you’re not sure what they have at EMS, this window ad might help you out:

I’m sure you’ve noticed that when you’re skinny dipping in a clear mountain lake, your ears can get really cold. Well, friend, you need not go unprepared any longer. Step into EMS and you too can accessorize your bare skin with this stylish women’s Cuzco Peruvian hat.

EMS.

P.S. When it comes to bikes, I’m much more inclined to trust the lovable anarchists over at Firehouse Bicycles.

Next, American Apparel over at 37th and Walnut needs your help in the final stage of the “very big, but very exciting” undertaking of developing a new unisex jean line:

American Apparel.

I’ve never really felt the desire for a pair of jeans that a girl could also look good wearing, but I must be missing the point. In any case, judging by the shorts and scarf their male mannequin is wearing, I’m not sure I trust their definition of “unisex:”

In other news, Cereality is still holding out on the “Just Kidding!” banner.

Cereality.

Finally, whether you’ve been looking at the Philadelphia skyline, the shirts at Trader Joe’s, the LOVE Park Fountain, or the window at the bookstore, you’ve been seeing a lot of the color pink. October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and local businesses are quick to capitalize…err, sympathize. Check out Douglas Cosmetics:

Douglas Cosmetics.

Good news for Penn students: You can solve the world’s problems by buying more things. And if you’re a real crusader, they’ll throw in a free gift. Altruism never smelled so good.

So, now that I’ve done the browsing for you, you can head out, buy what you need right away, and return to your textbooks’ loving embrace.

No need to thank me.

A Nick at a Time

See what I mean? (Photo by Nick McAvoy)

Penn is not doing all it could to save the environment.

While the University’s commitment to wind power is admirable, there’s another perfectly good source of alternative energy sitting right under its nose, untapped.

All day and far into the night on the ground floor of Pottruck, students use machines that allow them to run or bike without actually going anywhere. The purpose? Burning calories.

Calories. Calories are energy, energy that is currently going to waste. It’s ridiculous that Penn has given lip-service to sustainability while ignoring this solution for so long.

As a project from students at our sister-school Penn State illustrates, the idea is not new. Moreover, the technology is available, and the energy that could be harvested is nothing to sneeze at. My very rough calculations (on average 15 machines in use for 17 hours each day, at 70 Watts for a treadmill and 150 for a bicycle) estimate that Penn could get about nine megawatt-hours from Pottruck every year.

While that pales in comparison to Penn’s total consumption, we need to do all that we can. Every little bit counts in the war against global warming. If awareness were raised, I bet the Penn community could double the amount of energy collected. The result: a more fit, more toned campus that would serve as a glistening example to our obesity-stricken city and nation.

Financial aid could benefit as well. Similar to a work study award, students could be allotted hours in the gym. The money their workouts save Penn could be counted toward their aid package.

If we want to keep up with our peer institutions, if we’re truly committed to reducing our carbon footprint, and if campus fitness really is important to us, then this idea needs to be implemented right away. Everyone needs to get involved, and complacency is not an option if we are to make a difference.

Penn already works very hard to harness the power of students’ minds; it’s high time it put some of that same effort into harnessing the power of their bodies.

A Nick at a Time appears every Tuesday and Thursday.

A Nick at a Time

I took this picture a few years ago — that’s how long it takes me to upload. (Photo by Nick McAvoy)

Finally!

Sunday was a day of much rejoicing. With a little help from Tom Glavine, the Phillies completed an improbable and epic comeback to seize the National League East from the New York Mets on the very last day of the season. Even a week ago, Phillies players and fans would have been more than content to win the Wild Card title reserved for the best second place team in the league.

They did it grandly. They did it boldly. They did it…late.

And that’s why they’re my team.

You see I, like the Phillies, am a procrastinator by trade. If it’s not due within the next 15 hours, chances are I haven’t started it yet, or even given it much thought. If the lowest homework grade is dropped, it’s a good bet I won’t be doing one of the first assignments of the semester. And I often find myself banking on the possibility that if I ace the final I can still wind up with a decent grade.

The Phillies are the same way. They started the season 4-11, and as recently as September 12 trailed the Mets by seven games, a deficit that might have looked steep in July. They had 48 come-from-behind wins, the most in the Majors, and more than the number of games they won the easy way.

It’s not that I haven’t heard or tried more organized ways to live. You know. Budgeting. Scheduling. Planning. Believe me, the prospect of being prepared and punctual is very alluring, but after roughly 12 years of trying to be that way I can only conclude that it’s just not who I am.

Nor have the Phillies blown off the importance of a solid start - they’re just incapable of achieving one. For the past three years at least, the March chorus has been the need to get off on the right foot, and the May chorus has been that there’s still plenty of time left.

Yeah, still plenty of time left. Like that interview I have tomorrow morning - it shouldn’t take too long to spruce up my resume.

As you might guess, living this way adds a lot of excitement. When you’re always five minutes behind, previously mundane tasks become exhilarating. You try getting from 46th Street to DRL in 15 minutes to hand in the problem set. It’s memorable.

And the Phillies could not have put up three weeks of the most exciting baseball of our lives if they hadn’t already been way behind. Ninth inning wins are sweeter than fourth inning routs.

The bottom line is I don’t worry too much about procrastinating, just like how you’ve realized your curly hair is actually really cute. We’ve all got quirks. My quirks just might keep you waiting for a little while.

A Nick at a Time appears every Tuesday and Thursday.