This Saturday, the University’s event planners did something so audacious it can only be rationalized as a reckless lapse of judgment…

They actually played popular music at a Penn concert.

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Common $ense

If you are a Penn male looking to land hot chicks and are currently lacking a social life, you might receive a solicitation this week from the newest hustler on Locust Walk. New kid on the block Sigma Pi fraternity is looking for “A New Generation of Leaders” (i.e. non-sketchy dudes who like to have a good time and won’t snitchto the police).

As a member of a social fraternity (full disclosure to readers) I am all for any organization that can instill in its members a sense of honor, brotherhood, and other preachy goals that fit well on a t-shirt. However, if forced to say what is lacking at Penn, fraternities don’t come to mind.

According to Wharton senior Austin Pena, president of the Inter-Fraternity Council, Penn has 28 recognized chapters. With an average membership of approximately 40 men, with a wide range between 15 and 90, what’s the point of adding another player to this crowded market?

Instead of diluting the Greek community, IFC should strengthen the ones already here. Were it up to me, I would block new entrants and consolidate the weakest chapters. As a result, fraternities would be larger and stronger like sororities, but minus the superficiality. As is, Sigma Pi will be IFC’s version of the Charlotte Bobcats. But I could be wrong; not all expansion teams flop. Try telling that to the Colorado Rockies.

A Sigma Pi recruitment poster setup on Locust Walk

Common $ense

It’s the second Thursday of October and that can mean only one thing.

Buy

‘you a drank: Now you got that money in the bank, celebrate the end of job recruiting. Didn’t get the job you wanted? Don’t fret, I hear Teach for America is still hiring–not that there is anything wrong with that.

Men with job offers: With salaries set until fiscal year 2009, ladies have guidance on the earnings expectations for Penn’s senior class. Expect dating volume to rise as ambitious women previously waiting on the sidelines finally know which men to go after.

Lawn chairs: Reserve your spot outside of the Upper Quad gate on November 1st to watch girls do the post-Halloween walk of shame in ridiculous costumes.

Social Planning and Events Committee (SPEC): After three consecutive years of horrible concert decisions, activist investor Carl Icahn is buying up stock ahead of the next meeting in order to have enough votes to fire the executive board.

Sell

Your ego: With grades from the first midterms to be released, the bottom 25 percent of Penn will realize that, contrary to what their mothers told them, they were never really that special after all. Look for applications requesting “medication” from CAPS to coincidentally rise.

Yet another Lee Stetson story: Let’s just all concede that we’ll probably never know the truth as to why the former Penn Dean of Admissions abruptly left. It’s time to move on to the next non-event.

Hold

…off on freshmen relationships: Long distance relationships with high school sweethearts will end after Thanksgiving and Penn will be flooded with emotionally vulnerable 18 year-olds selling at distressed prices. When dealing with women, always look to buy on signs of weakness.

Common $ense will appear more frequently (not just Tuesday and Thursdays) when school resumes, so bookmark the site to stay updated. Have a great Fall Break!

Common $ense

In a mix-up of priorities, yesterday’s Daily Pennsylvanian featured Friday’s concert by “lesser-known” Carrot Top look-alike Ben Kweller as its front page story while Whoopi Goldberg’s visit to Penn was awarded only a page five picture and a measly two sentence caption.

On second thought, the absence of a news article covering Whoopi’s speech is totally justifiable. I mean, clearly when you have a Grammy, Emmy, Tony, and Oscar award-winning television host come to campus, it’s not like she’ll have anything good to say.

In a hilarious yet insightful speech, Goldberg shared her views on everything from politics, to pop culture, to the BlackBerry…correction, African-American Berry, as the actress put it. She expressed her desire for people to just slow down and stop all the excessive emailing.

Now I’m a long-time fan of Whoopi but she lost me when she talked smack about my beloved smart-phone. Sadly she’s not alone in her sentiment. Hating on the BlackBerry is the new “cool” thing to do on Penn’s campus. Like the infamous Ugg boots of yesteryear, you can’t take five steps on campus without someone giving their thoughts on how the email device is destroying the fabric of society.

I can only hope Goldberg’s financial advisor isn’t as negative as she, because Research in Motion (Ticker: RIMM), the maker of the BlackBerry, is one hell of a company to overlook. Up over 46 percent this month and over 176 percent this year, this stock is single-handedly going to pay for my Fall Break train ticket out of this dump. Toolish or not, these devices have a lock on the industry and don’t look to be letting up anytime soon.

So people, let’s put an end to all the BlackBerry hate. I want to live in a world where my children will not be judged by the color of their email device but by the content of their text messages. Help me realize my dream.

Common $ense

Everyday I’m hustlin’

Tuesday in my Management 100 lecture, we engaged the students in an intellectual discourse on the ethics of business. When asked if he would inflate performance numbers to get a contract, a freshman replied, “Hell yea I’d inflate the numbers. We gotta get that paper any way we can.” (Actual quote)

Ladies, take note. This kid is going places.

As much as Penn students look down on the urban working class of Philadelphia or New York from our lofty Ivory Tower, we have to admit, everyone at Penn has their hustle . We just replace the bootleg DVDs with something more glamorous. Let me highlight a few for our readers out there.

Fraternity Hustle: Does anyone else but me see anything odd about the way they are advertising for philanthropy events out on Locust Walk this week? Tell me, what else can you call a bunch of guys just hanging out on a couch while their sorority girls collect the money?

MBA Hustle: You won’t see them wandering aimlessly around campus. These guys are about their business. With their designer coffee mugs and their tote bags with the name of their old employers emblazoned on the front, they’re not here to play games. You think undergrads are motivated? There is no greater motivator than a wife and two kids.

Sorority Hustle: Don’t believe the stereotypes, these girls are no dummies. Anyone care to guess how they keep their chapter GPAs so much higher than the campus average? I’ll let you speculate on that…

Pre-Med Hustle: These students are slick. They get the money and the glory. Do you know what the median salary for surgeons is? Your friend in organic chemistry does. Tell me what other profession can you make well over a quarter million and still let you people you are “giving back to society” with a straight face.

Unless you are doing surgery in a little hut…in a third world country…for free, I don’t think you are giving back to anybody.

Feel free to comment on any other Ivy League hustlers you see out there.

Common $ense appears every Tuesday and Thursday.

Common $ense

JBetter yet, buy two!

Here at The Spin, we’re all about the people. This weekend an alumnus told me that reading the blog was often the highlight of his workday. If I can bring a smile to the face of some cube monkey or desk jockey out there toiling over a spreadsheet, it’s all worth it.

To better empathize with my liberal arts readers out there, I now write every article in Van Pelt with a cup of Starbucks to my left and a Cosi salad to my right.

Based on my most commented article thus far, readers would like to know why I believe much (not all) of this alternative energy movement is full of hot air. In a comment half the length of my article, a concerned reader claimed my logic to be flawed. Like a good capitalist, I turned to yesterday’s Wall Street Journal article entitled “Ethanol Boom is Running out of Gas” for proof.

To summarize for those unwilling to put down your mocha-frappa-latte, turns out while ethanol fuel in theory is a great idea, sadly it doesn’t have the profitability to stand on its own. According to the article, while the price at which producers can sell their fuel has fallen 40 percent to $1.50 per gallon, the cost of one year’s worth of production capacity has risen 47 percent to $2.20 per gallon. Even a Princeton student knows that buying at $2.20 and selling at $1.50 is not a viable business strategy.

So how did this once attractive investment go from boom to bust so quickly? All roads lead to Washington. The Bush administration’s well-intentioned subsidies for corn-based ethanol caused an oversupply of the fuel and hyper-demand of corn leaving smaller companies at risk of bankruptcy. Without the political support, ethanol production is barely profitable.

I know Penn students are passionate about the environment, as am I, but I am sorry to report that this alternative fuels/improved efficiency movement will take much longer than anyone anticipated. Don’t get mad that the oil companies have no incentive to fund these struggling technologies.

According to the Golden Rule, as understood by Whartonites, he who has the gold, makes the rules. Don’t hold your breath waiting for too much government intervention, given big oil’s deep pockets and strong influence in Washington.

If you want to see more fuel efficient cars…go out and buy a fuel efficient car. We can still save the world if we stop thinking with our hearts and start acting with our wallets.

Common $ense appears every Tuesday and Thursday.

Common $ense

That’s tough competition.

On what was a pretty tame day in the markets, two seemingly unrelated events caught my attention. For one, cosmetic manufacturer Bare Escentuals, Inc. (Ticker: BARE ) spiked over 11 percent on a “Buy” recommendation. As for the second event…

…the season premiere of Grey’s Anatomy!

Why do I love this show you may ask? Is it for the Emmy-winning actresses, the cool soundtrack or the backstage fights?

It’s for one thing only - unrealistically hot surgeons with problems.

Normally, I consider myself to be a pretty man. My addition to the DP staff has considerably raised the level of sexual tension in the office. I only hope you aren’t so mesmerized by my 1-inch portrait at the top of the screen as to not finish reading this post. It is difficult, I understand.

But alas, my beauty can’t hold a candle to Dr. McDreamy, Dr. McSteamy, and don’t forget the now infamous Dr. Mc-I-was-fired-for-being-an-asshole. Surely they and the ladies on set must be made up like China-dolls; of course, without the toy safety hazards a la Mattel.

Could the return of America’s favorite melodramatic doctors foretell good things for BARE going forward?

Looking at the way BARE’s stock rose rapidly from just one upgrade, and not even from a major bank, leads me to believe there was short covering. In other words, people have been betting on the stock to fall for so long, they decided to buy it back on the first sign of good news to protect their profits.

Some preliminary research of mine found investors have been wary on the company due to weakness in sales from their high-margin infomercial business.

Several Penn women I know have professed their loyalty to BARE’s strong product line. Despite the slowdown in infomercials, BARE is still the top selling cosmetic product at stores such as Sephora. Their industry-leading products should reach a wider pool of customers with more store-owned boutiques on the way.

I expect the stock to come down after the knee-jerk reaction Wednesday. However, with its price down over 24 percent in the past three months, longer-term believers should pick up shares on weakness. I’m not a buyer due to my ignorance regarding makeup, however I’m bullish on any company whose products attempt to make Penn girls look better.

Common $ense appears every Tuesday and Thursday.

Common $ense

How’s that for a campaign poster?

It always amazes me how candidates running for student government use their campaign as a referendum on Penn Dining; vowing to miraculously make it better. I mean, where in the real world can you be rewarded by making empty, meaningless promises you have no way of delivering on?

Fortunately a dairy and beverage company by the name of Wimm-Bill-Dann Foods OJSC (Ticker: WBD) provides us a more long term way to invest in the future of food…in Russia.

Dominant in the rapidly expanding Eastern European market, I’d argue Penn hasn’t seen such a Russian force since last year’s women’s tennis freshman phenom, and my former Management 100 student, Ekaterina Kosminskaya. ( I taught her everything she knows.) Given the rising real income of eastern Europeans and a lack of market saturation, WBD has many catalysts for future growth.

While some analysts are less enthusiastic in the short term on the stock, there are still gains to be made for the patient who believe in Russia’s long-term growth story.

While on the topic of food, let’s not forget the call I made last semester on Chiquita Brands International (Ticker: CQB) as it rose from under $14 to as high as $19 this summer. That type of money could have paid for a lot of late night drunken Wawa runs. I don’t endorse the stock now, but I recommend their salads for prospective sorority hopefuls looking to get in shape for spring rush. (Look out ladies - it’s less than 12 weeks away).

In case you need more proof that WBD is the real deal, unlike Penn’s freshmen class, they won’t clutter campus with a barrage of ugly signs and shoddily made posters. Apparently arts and crafts was not one of the sections added to the new SAT.

Buy some WBD as a vote of confidence in a candidate that can truly satisfy your tummy.

Common $ense appears every Tuesday and Thursday.

Common $ense

Invest in that Texas tea, baby.

We’ve all had that indecisive feeling in our stomachs. That gut-churning uneasiness that comes with potentially life-changing decisions.

Sociology…or maybe anthropology? Maybe Italian…or some kind of Spanish?

Alas, it is Thursday, September 20. Do you know what your schedule is?

Don’t be alarmed if I sound like the scary announcer guy before the evening news asking if you know where your children are. With the shopping period for classes quickly coming to a close, I’m taking my own advice and trying to make some last minute changes to my class roster. I feel sort of like Patriot’s coach Bill Belichick shuffling his line-up - but minus the ugly sweatshirt and the cheating.

At Penn, this is the last prime opportunity to change up your schedule for the rest of 2007. I argue the same is true with your portfolio.

While yesterday’s top story at The Daily Pennsylvanian was about students urinating on the statue of Ben Franklin, elsewhere around the world, slightly more important things were on people’s minds. Fortunately I am here to let you all know what is going on outside the Penn bubble.

With the Federal Reserve’s greater-than-expected interest rate cut on Tuesday, investors are far more optimistic about future economic growth. This renewed optimism is raising stock prices faster than Wharton freshmen’s undeserved sense of accomplishment.

Leading the pack are industries that thrive from global growth, such as mining companies and the energy sector. Despite its political incorrectness, I stand by my endorsement of oil companies as excellent investments. If you are so against what they are doing environmentally, take the profits you make from their stocks and donate them to whatever charity you wish.

Given Penn students’ fascination with defecating in public spaces, maybe some fertilizer companies might be more your style. Monsanto (Ticker: MON) and Potash Corp. (Ticker: POT) have been printing money off of demand for their agricultural products.

Whatever you do, don’t be lazy. Reassess your game plan, both academically and financially. The time for fourth quarter adjustments is now. Don’t be caught flat footed…or with your zipper open.

Common $ense appears every Tuesday and Thursday.

Common $ense

Despite our self-proclaimed Ivy-League pedigree, Penn students are no less susceptible to get caught up in incredibly silly, yet popular trends.

This past summer, the influx of Facebook albums entitled “Party Like a Rockstar” almost made me move to Amish country and give up electricity. Getting buzzed at a bad frat party and heading back to the Quad at 2 a.m. is by no means rockstar behavior.
If I hear one more person even utter the phrase “Superman that…,” I make no promises as to what I will do. (Warning: I am surgical with the sharp edge of my Penncard).

But the granddaddy of all unnecessarily popular movements has been the “Green Movement.” This is a timely issue to revisit with oil prices cracking $80 a barrel.

According to anonymous sources (aka, the Facebook Newsfeed), many Penn students are members of groups entitled “Help Make Gas Prices Go Down (This could really work),” and other similar offshoots. The groups’ creators give specific instructions for buying strategies on how to “stick it to the man” and lower prices at the pump.

Offline, Kings Court/English College House’s new “environmentally friendly” roof recently graced the cover of The Daily Pennsylvanian.

Despite these well-intentioned efforts, I can assure you that the price of gas is going higher and there is nothing you and I (or the cute penguins from Happy Feet) can do about it.

Now before you label me a cold-hearted tree killer, I urge people to think with their pocketbooks, and not so much with their hearts. While I am naturally inclined to be skeptical of any cause with such strong celebrity backing, people need to remember exactly what moves the price of oil in the first place.

Supply and demand.

As much as Penn students tout themselves as being internationally minded, the belief that our individual behavior could single-handedly lower prices is an extremely America-centric way of thinking. Global demand, as well as buying from the major investment firms, has an enormous impact on where prices are heading. It will take years for energy companies to increase their collection capacity, increase supply, and thus ease prices.

So with the year barely underway, let me save some environmentally-conscious undergraduate precious time. Instead of complaining about high energy prices, buy some stock in energy companies such as Apache Corp. (Ticker: APA) or Exxon Mobil (Ticker: XOM).

If you still aren’t convinced, turn off CNN and turn on CNBC. Sadly the march towards $85 a barrel will not soon be derailed by celebrity concerts, hybrid cars, or dancing penguins.
Common $ense appears every Tuesday and Thursday.