This semester (not to mention the last few years) has flown by! I am adding to the legions of people reminiscing and unfortunately also having a public forum to express their leaving-the-nest issues.

I would like to start by thanking you, the readers of my posts for this semester. I value your comments deeply, even the intolerably rude ones, and I am grateful for your attention. Next, I’d like to thank Ashwin, the editorial page editor here at The DP for advice, being a sounding board for ideas and for generally letting me bug him. Finally, my undying thanks to Lindsey Stull, opinion blog editor, for suggesting this gig in the first place and for showing such remarkable patience with me over the semester (you’ll never really know quite how much).

Back to you guys. To the rising sophomores: man up already and start exploring this city. Philadelphia has a lot to offer (seriously) and you all (sophomores and others alike) would do well to start exploring and discovering. Whether it’s food (brunch=Rx or Ants Pants), or clubs (jazz around here, more conventional downtown), or art (First Fridays and antiques row are a lot of fun), Philadelphia has much to offer you. On top of studying like crazy, make sure you take the opportunity to fill up on such experiences. As great as New York is, don’t count Philly out — it has a lot New York does not.

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In the fall of 2008, I’ll be studying in Paris, France — mostly because of my penchant for silly hats, effeminate men and unlikely combinations of the two.

But I’m a College student, so I’m not part of Penn’s current problem with getting engineering students abroad. Sometimes, that’s the fault of engineering students — who perceive study abroad as “difficult,” uninteresting and inconvenient. Other times, it’s the fault of the program; to study at France’s leading scientific school, for example, engineering students are required to stay a full academic year. (And really, who wants eight whole months of pacifism, gastronomic bliss and encouraged societal polygamy?)

So how do we convince more SEAS students to spend time away from this university? Apparently, Penn’s original strategy — locating itself in West Philadelphia — hasn’t done enough to push future engineers away from campus. But perhaps we can solve the problem with an idea taken from Virginia’s Randolph College: reinstating the collegiate field trip.

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Every morning, approximately 2.5 million women with a “voracious appetite for what’s next, new, cool, and must-have” receive a Daily Candy e-mail newsletter in their inboxes.

I possess no such appetite, but I get DC Philadelphia anyway — mainly because I derive some sort of sick pleasure from reading about clothing and spa treatments that cost more than my apartment.

So imagine my surprise when the latest Daily Candy Weekend Guide included this — smack between limited edition “cutesy” tees and a “brunch and shopping” event:

Glock Day
What: Free rentals and range time, discounted memberships, and crazy deals on Glocks — Philly’s gun of choice.
Why: It’s how Charlton Heston, God rest his soul, would’ve rolled.
When: Sat., 10 a.m.-7 p.m.
Where: Philadelphia Archery & Gun Club, 831-833 Ellsworth St.

Shoes, gruyère omelettes, sea salt facials, and… guns? One of these things is not like the others.

But this was no joke.

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I had a rather rambunctious night last night with my friend Jose Cuervo, and ended up making an extended offering to the porcelain god. So extended was my act of worship that I think I killed it.

What does this have to do with you?

Well, when it comes to trying to resurrect your god, especially when you have another kind of offering to give it, Philadelphia’s plumbers are rather indifferent. So we come to the first part of the title: Plumbing.

I called no less than fifteen plumbers in the local area. The best they could do was Monday. Monday. That’s 2.5 days of going from my apartment to Huntsman to use the goddamn toilet. By the tenth plumber I was pretty irate —

“Would you like it if you had a clogged toilet for three days?” I cried. By the fifteenth, I was livid.

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“I feel like shit.”

That was the response from a source within AlliedBarton, who wishes to remain anonymous for job security reasons, when I asked about his feelings on the annual bag check policy.

Though the bag checks started less than two weeks ago, enthusiasm amongst the guards has noticeably waned. Most of the time, they haphazardly glance at the backpacks as students walk by. Sometimes, they don’t bother to look at all.

Additionally, the AlliedBarton source expressed discontent over not getting paid more per hour during the weeks leading up to Spring Fling, even though he has to work overtime with less break time.

He said that this policy is different from last year, when he made roughly a dollar more per hour. Larry Rubin, spokesperson for AlliedBarton, was “not aware” of any change in policy in regard to more compensation for employees.

This isn’t the first time that AlliedBarton has come under scrutiny on Penn’s campus.

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Ours is a culture of nostalgia. Sometimes that nostalgia is immediate, like the million-member Facebook group “When I was your age, Pluto was a planet.” And other times it’s for a time we don’t even really remember, like VH1’s I Love the ’80s.

So now, on the verge of graduation, I think it’s appropriate for me to do a little Penn-themed reminiscing of my own. You underclassmen might not remember, but things weren’t always so easy for us students. I’m talking about an era where if you wanted wireless internet, you went to Van Pelt. My memory’s a little cloudy, but I think it’s coming back to me now…

Back in my day, we had the Triangle Diner. TriDi was open 24/7, and it would deliver right to your room in Spruce or even Hamilton. The walls in TriDi were covered with Polaroids of undergrads and waiters dancing to the 50’s tunes that the jukebox would play. And the disco fries were delicious.

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Today is the last day of March, which means a few things. First, it shouldn’t be 45 degrees and raining. Second, tomorrow is April Fool’s Day — so try to remember that spaghetti, like money, doesn’t just grow on trees. And third, we’re just two short weeks away from Spring Fling. By then, we should all be done with midterms and relaxed enough to enjoy ourselves — and it might even be 50 degrees outside.

But not everyone is über-excited about the prospect of fun and festivities at this year’s Spring Fling. Perhaps you like all your hos in the same area code and therefore aren’t stoked about SPEC’s music selection. Or maybe you’re so exhausted from a month of perfunctory bag checks that the idea of amusement seems unfathomable. It’s even possible that you’re a “good person” who doesn’t engage in rampant partying or otherwise questionable behavior.

Whatever the case may be, many of you have valid reasons not to be thrilled about the weekend of April 11th. So just as Penn offers alternative Spring breaks — for those more concerned with helping people build homes than helping people get home at 3 a.m. — I’ve compiled a short list of substitute activities that might be more suitable for this year’s non-Spring Flinger.

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Quakers, are you ready for your close-up?

It’s all eyes on Pennsylvania, and the entire Clinton clan swooping through campus one by one is only the beginning.

Since — as Eric reported — you showed no kindness to MC Rove (who would?), I thought a guide on how not to treat your future political guests might come in handy.

1. Don’t throw pie. Seriously, that’s so 1914. Yet just five years ago, Nader was pied while endorsing Camejo, a Green Party candidate in California. Camejo then attributed the attack to the Democratic Party’s jealousy of the GP’s growing popularity. Wait, what? Okay, okay — if you need to pie someone, Nader is an excellent choice.

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Just beyond the confines of University City, there are people who couldn’t be further from the stereotypes that define the Penn student body. A people without UA, or SASgov, or even the oft-impersonated SPEC. They call no government their own, and don’t ask to be taken to their leader, because they don’t have one.

Who is this mysterious tribe? They are the anarchists of West Philadelphia, and there are more of them than you might think.

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The race for the Democratic nomination has officially gotten ugly.

In neighboring Norristown, Pa. last Thursday, Jose Ortiz stabbed his brother-in-law, Sean Shurelds, after a political dispute while the two were watching the Democratic debate. Shurelds, an Obama supporter, complained that Clinton was “trashing” Barack unfairly. Ortiz, a staunch Clinton backer, took offense. Shurelds recalls the conversation as follows:

Shurelds: Obama is winning this thing!
Ortiz: He can’t win, be realistic.
Shurelds: Let’s see how realistic you are when he wins.

With that brilliant last retort, there’s no doubt that Shurelds won the war of words. But Ortiz, whose candidate proclaims she is a “fighter“, then took matters into his own hands by plunging a kitchen knife into his brother-in-law’s stomach. Shurelds sustained spleen, lung and diaphragm injuries. Ortiz is in county jail and if convicted of felony assault, could face a more serious injury: disenfranchisement.

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