Oxygen, sleep, and food. These are the basic physiological necessities. Without them, we’d be quite uncomfortable and complain a lot. Once we tired of complaining, we’d give up and die. But I say, we’re too young and pretty to die (look at my picture). 

So before you freak out, let’s just think this over. Oxygen? Check. Sleep? Check — thank you time management. How about food (i.e. nutrients, sustenance)? Get out your Family Feud signs: survey says X. Now it’s time to freak out.

Every time I hear that grumble in my tummy, I remember. And it pains me. The West Philadelphia “dining scene” makes me want to barf. (No fair! I thought I’d get to binge before I purge.) The Woody Allen in me got me thinking: What if I remain in a perpetual bilious state… and just wither away? How am I supposed to obtain safety, love, esteem, and self-actualization?  

You see, the problem is that whoever blueprinted Philadelphia (Kevin Bacon’s father) entrusted Penn to provide us with suitable eating establishments. Mr. Bacon, didn’t you know that quality trumps quantity — especially with food? And that many of Penn’s students are kosher!

(more…)

So I came across a ticket thanks to my shady connections about three hours before Karl Rove spoke at Irvine. And I tell you — he may be evil, but he’s a genius.

Interestingly, during his recollection of the first few hours on Air Force One after 9/11 happened, he said the following:

“Eventually the President wanted to return to the United Sta–, er, I mean the nation’s capital.”

Did he just misspeak? I think not. The president was in Florida, right? They so went to Mexico.

Then I laughed, for he started to talk about the sanctity of the United Nations, after which he also said “We are in a war against Islamic terrorism.” Karl Rove, probably number three in an administration that has done untold damage to the credibility of the United Nations, talking about its sanctity. My friend sitting next to me said, “I love this guy, he’ll go anywhere just to win a point.”

Seriously, old Turd Blossom could convince you Hitler was just misunderstood if he wanted to. I want him to join the Penn Model UN team.

(more…)

Penn students are a brave sort. We occupy buildings to fight for a living wage… oops, that was Harvard. We rally against controversial speakers like the Minutemen founder and Karl Rove… er, sorry, that was Columbia. And a prep school.

But making change by standing up for Barack Obama? That we can do.

According to Mara’s DP column yesterday, the campus is turning evangelical for Obama; Barack-oholics are selling shirts, wearing buttons, and redecorating Facebook pages in his honor.

And unless you flew Oceanic 815, you know that Obama’s kicking butt across the country. The man’s won 10 straight primaries; in Wisconsin, he took 70% of the under-30 Democractic vote (and probably an even greater share of college-age voters). Plus, he’s staying hip. Slate — which yesterday noted Obama’s five-point national lead over Clinton — last week unveiled its Encyclopedia Baracktannica. More importantly, he’s won the coveted endorsement of Lloyd from Dumb and Dumberer.

Despite securing the Lloyd vote, Barack’s fight for the Democratic nomination isn’t over. But on liberal campuses like Penn, it’s not a bold, underground move to support Obama — it’s increasingly the norm.

(more…)

The University has announced that Michael Bloomberg, the mayor of New York (as if our NYC inferiority complex wasn’t apparent enough) will be the 2008 commencement speaker. Considering that Jodie Foster spoke two years ago, this is very good news.

But not so fast.

This the same Michael Bloomberg who, despite numerous reports and signs to the contrary, has consistently denied that he will be running for President as an independent candidate. Could we get stood up?

Much like the nationwide speaking tour that fanned the flames of his rumored White House aspirations, Bloomberg has begun speaking around Penn’s campus. In his first scheduled stop, he addressed several hot-button issues, “The dining hall employees are bitches. The high-rise elevators are too slow. Most importantly, there are tremendous sexual inequities, with Wharton and Engineering students getting figuratively, not literally, screwed.”

(more…)

The potential first ever male First Lady is coming to a campus near you. Very near you. This one, in fact (and not Drexel).

It seems somewhat more than a coincidence that President Clinton plans to come to campus just as it appears that the Pennsylvania primary might actually count. And he’s talking on a race thing, apparently. No, nothing to do with an election at all. He is, after all, the nation’s first black president.

Personally, I’d love to go hear him speak. I’ll be queuing for my ticket early. He is a terrific speaker and I thought he was a great (if not great, then very good) president and I’m interested in what he has to say. I also want to tell my grandkids that I saw Bill Clinton speak. I have absolutely no interest in being able to say the same time about his predecessor or his successor. Do any of you feel that way too?

I like that Penn is getting a round of decent speakers for a change. After Jodie Foster’s Eminem moment (see below), I feared that we would be the Ivy with the crappy speakers.

(more…)

Our economy is in crisis. Five hundred people a day are dying in Darfur. And closer to home, many of us face a lifetime of debt.

So, faced with these mounting challenges, our elected officials in Congress have decided to… play baseball.

If you have been near a television in the past week, you surely witnessed footage of our brave Congressmen interrogating Roger Clemens, famed pitcher-turned-steroids scapegoat (giving a new meaning to “small ball“), and his trainer-turned-whistle-blower, Brian McNamee. Allegedly, Clemens lied to Congressman George Mitchell when he was compiling his 400-page report on steroid use in baseball.

Here’s Congressman Dan Burton (a “family values” conservative who ironically is also known for his kinky affairs and “skirt-chasing“) grill McNamee. (Notice his blingin’ ring.)

Today is President’s Day, the federal holiday honoring the February birthdays of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln — our two finest presidents. (Bush comes in a close third.) During their presidencies, both Washington and Lincoln fought hard for American freedoms; neither one, evidently, fought hard enough to get us a day off.

But I’m not going to spend the day being bitter. Instead, I’ve decided to honor the presidents who have graduated from this prestigious university in hopes that Penn sends more men and women into the oval office in the future. (And not as interns.)

After all, Penn has to have an illustrious list of White House alumni, right? Our Ivy peers have long lists of presidential grads: Harvard has sent seven men to the West Wing, among them JFK and FDR; Yale clocks in at five, including Clinton; even Columbia has sent three men to head the executive branch over the years. So it only makes sense that Penn has… one alumnus-turned-president? Really? Just one?

Now to add injury to insult: it’s William Henry Harrison.

(more…)

A new mental disorder has surfaced, which now alters the state of mind of a healthy, well-rounded Penn student, to that of a well-oiled political machine. If you think you or a loved one may be suffering from this infectious disorder, please consult the following symptoms:

1) Instead of flirting with 19 and 20 year old ripe hotties at various fraternity parties, you choose to spend your Saturday evening charming middle-aged women in California who are leaning towards Hillary.

2) During a cab ride to Center City, you haggle with the driver over his choice for President. Typically, this will end with you informing the disappointed cabbie that Barack Obama is not actually a Muslim.

3) The highlight of your day is when a Penn Dining employee notices your campaign gear and gives you a high-five. Extra points if she calls you “sugah” and calls over her friends to admire your new threads.

(more…)

Stanley Fish’s February 3rd NY Times blog, “All You Need Is Hate,” got me thinking. (Note the Beatles mentality of the 21st century.) Fish, a professor of law, discusses what affectionately has become known as Hillary-hating. Hilary-hating is a distinct breed of political bashing. It’s acutely chauvinistic, callous, and aggressive (read: macho).

I kind of get it. I wouldn’t want Hillary as my mother — even if Bill Clinton were included as a package deal. (And moreover, maybe her criticism is due to society’s general dislike of aging women, and she shouldn’t take it personally.)

Still, Hillary haters are not your typical critics. They are borderline delusional and suspiciously fervent. I say suspicious because this type of bashing would not be accepted if it were on the basis of class or race.

Therefore, who are these Hillary haters? How hateful are they? Should I be scared? 

I conducted my sociological research via Facebook. (And that’s legitimate!)

(more…)

It’s not every day you see those sweatpants traded in for tailored suits and shoulder pads.

Last week, as I watched students march down Walnut in appropriate business attire, I wondered how soon they (you?) would be making more money than our fine new mayor.

How much does Nutter make? That’s public information: $186,044.

Depending on who you are, you might be wowed or seriously underwhelmed by that number. But if I may offer the moderately knowledgeable opinion of a Regular Working Person: that is a relatively measly sum for someone with what is — almost inarguably — one of the most difficult jobs in the county.

The catch, of course, is that salaries are in no way decided by how hard a job is — assuming such a thing can even be measured. (Imagine: seventh grade teachers and coal miners would be buying homes in Greenwich and summering in Tuscany.)

Of course there’s nothing easy about the 80-hour weeks recent grads put in at i-banks. But — upon graduation — Wharton undergraduates command an average starting salary of $108,509 (that’s base salary + signing bonus + annual bonus). 100 grand!

Pardon me while I peel my jaw up off the floor.

(more…)