Unless you live under a large, white button — or don’t read The DP — you are probably already aware of (or maybe have mourned the) the demise of “Street Sweeper.” The DP scrapped 34th Street’s scandalous anonymous gossip section this semester. It has been replaced by “Overheard at Penn.”

Still, Penn students will not settle for gossip mediocrity, for Penn students are not mediocre. So something needed to be done — fast. We tried calling our parents for help — no response. We tried using our Ivy League status — laughed at. We even tried to pay our way through — declined. But then, by some undeserving miracle, our prayers were answered: Juicycampus.com.

No, it’s not a Campusfood spinoff (fatty!), but a new outlet for our scandal-ridden, Yenta-like tendencies. Juicy, deeply satisfying, has come to the rescue.

Who can join the elite ranks of this site, you ask? Anyone.

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34th Street’s sex survey issue has certainly been a thumping success. Yesterday, I heard people talking about it all over campus, and multiple people asked me which part of it I was blogging about. The answer came when I spent an hour arguing with a friend about masturbation. (When else does inspiration ever strike?)

The Street statistic says that “the majority of guys … claim to have a wank 4-8 times per week.” Sounds about right to me. My friend, on the other hand, fixated on the high end of the scale. “Eight times a week?” he said. “That sounds excessive.”

My female friends all agree with me — guys masturbate more often than they eat, sleep, or breathe, right ? Every teen comedy we’ve ever seen has told us this. The guys I talked to, though, had the same opinion as said male friend. Excessive.

“If you’re jerking off 8 times a week, you’ve totally given up on your sex life. You’ve just accepted that you’re not going to get laid. And you’re not engaging in enough human contact,” they said.

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