It’s not every day you see those sweatpants traded in for tailored suits and shoulder pads.

Last week, as I watched students march down Walnut in appropriate business attire, I wondered how soon they (you?) would be making more money than our fine new mayor.

How much does Nutter make? That’s public information: $186,044.

Depending on who you are, you might be wowed or seriously underwhelmed by that number. But if I may offer the moderately knowledgeable opinion of a Regular Working Person: that is a relatively measly sum for someone with what is — almost inarguably — one of the most difficult jobs in the county.

The catch, of course, is that salaries are in no way decided by how hard a job is — assuming such a thing can even be measured. (Imagine: seventh grade teachers and coal miners would be buying homes in Greenwich and summering in Tuscany.)

Of course there’s nothing easy about the 80-hour weeks recent grads put in at i-banks. But — upon graduation — Wharton undergraduates command an average starting salary of $108,509 (that’s base salary + signing bonus + annual bonus). 100 grand!

Pardon me while I peel my jaw up off the floor.

(more…)

Dear Penn Community,

As your Supreme Commander and new member of mayor-elect Michael Nutter’s transition team, I wanted to explain how Penn will contribute to this new administration. This list is not exhaustive. But it should give you a feel about who will be representing Penn in Nutter’s administration in the coming years.

Chairman of the ‘Philicon’ Valley Commission — Ryan Goldstein

Don’t think Philadelphia’s got the goods to be the next high-tech hot spot? Then you haven’t met Ryan Goldstein! Only a junior at Penn and already forging global computing cooperation, reaching out to the internet’s best and brightest, and still passing “Ethics and Social Responsibility for Engineers.” He will make AKILL-er appointment.

Deputy Mayor of “Safety” Initiatives — Rafael Robb

If I could describe this former economics professor in one word, it would be “honest“. With “hardly” a blemish to his name, he’s got the best plan to lead this city to “security.” Toe the line “Killadelphia,” or you might get Robb-ed!

(more…)

Bad news, Phillies fans.

Curt Schilling announced today that he is signing a one-year contract with the Boston Red Sox, with a base salary of $8 million and incentives up to $14 million. You won’t see ol’ Curt in red pinstripes again.

One of the incentives stuck out to me. Schilling can earn two million dollars in “weight incentives.” Yeah, that means what you think it means. If Schilling maintains a certain weight through the season, the money is his – about $4 for every minute he isn’t fat.

As ridiculous as it sounds, it makes sense that Schilling would be worth more when he’s in shape than when he’s, shall we say, round. All organizations have a vested interest in the health of their employees. Penn might even do well to follow Boston’s example.

Raising $3.5 billion is no easy task, and Penn president Amy Gutmann has few pounds to spare. I know her contract was just extended, but the Trustees might want to consider offering some weight incentives of their own. We want Dr. Gutmann to be healthy, for her sake and for the sake of the capital campaign.

If I can’t have all-time favorite Phillie back in town, it would at least be good to know things are in good shape with my school.

As if I already didn’t love Amy Gutmann enough, she’s now going to be honored in Glamour magazine as one of the “Women of the Year,” alongside the female presidents of Brown, Harvard and Princeton.

Though Gutmann claimed she’s totally stoked to be included in the mag, she stated in the DP article that she doesn’t “have much time to read magazines like Glamour.”

Ouch! I mean, I know Glamour is no New Yorker, but Gutmann could have at least said that she occasionally peruses the “150 Easy Ways to Cut Calories!!” section when she’s not busy running things in West Philly.

True to form, IvyGate has used this opportunity to re-humiliate Gutmann with last year’s favorite Halloween picture. But hey, who else could make terrorism look that hot?

I bet the writers over at Glamour could have helped her out with an idea for a decent costume this year (sexy Ben Franklin?). “Casual Penn President” sounds more like a name for a Gutmann Barbie doll than a costume.

I know Amy’s going to look Glamour-licious in her spread November 13th - much better than Shirley, Ruth and Drew. We’re the “social Ivy” after all, and everyone knows that’s just another way of saying we’re hotter. And that goes for our Prez, too.

I donned my costume and left for Amy Gutmann’s infamous Halloween party. I decided to dress up like none other than the “conspicuously retired” Dean of Admissions, Willis Stetson. I didn’t have to wait long before trouble brewed…

7:15 PM- I arrive at the soirée at Wynn Commons. Terrorist sightings: 0. The best costume, right off the bat, is a mummy, almost completely wrapped in toilet paper. The chocolate fountain calls…

7:20 PM- Still no terrorists. “Werewolves of London” is sort of a catchy tune. All the girls are wearing much longer skirts than they were on Saturday night.

7:22 PM- My first Gutmann sighting! She isn’t wearing a costume!! What sort of calamity is this?!? I try to go for a picture, but too many people are around. The terrorist count is still zero.

(more…)

I’m not the only one who got this e-mail celebrating Penn’s fundraising kickoff, and I felt it needed to be decoded from administration-speak:

“Dear Donors,

Tonight, thousands of you — big-time donors, donors, future donors, and more donors — joined with me to launch Penn’s first of many fundraising campaigns in nearly two decades. Making History: The Campaign for Penn has an ambitious goal of $3.5 billion, and we’ve only raised $1.6 billion. Let’s pick up the slack.

We celebrated the beginning of a five-year endeavor that will require the slave-like devotion of our entire community. I promise you this: When we achieve our goal in 2012, our bank account will be overflowing!

A great campaign, however, is not just a goal to achieve or a distinction to reach; it is also a journey that strengthens the bonds of our fellowship while deepening our devotion to a great cause. So ask the people of Philadelphia for money, too. It’s called Penn Connects.

I encourage you to take a moment now to visit our campaign website and make a donation. No, really, now. I’m watching you.

It is time to be making history. And now it is time for my manicure! Toodles…

<3,

\\//\\*~AMY~*//\\//