In the last few decades, judging people by the color of their skin or by their ownership of a uterus has become socially taboo and practically inefficient. However, stereotypes live on. In the first few weeks of class, it is important to identify the good study partners, infrequent bathers, and obnoxious question-answerers. I’ve found that the best way to judge people is based on the drinks that they bring to class. Here is the message you are broadcasting when you sip your favorite beverage whilst taking notes:

Honest Tea: I’m changing the world, one crappy-tasting tea at a time. Most likely a humanities major, I know all the ingredients of my beverage and I can tell you exactly which hill of the Himalayas they were tenderly gathered from.

Starbucks latte: I was actually wide awake this morning, but I will lose all indie street cred without my most important accessory. Sure, I spent twelve dollars on this mostly-whip-cream coffee, but it’s worth it if the cute mandolin/oboe/accordion/bongo player in my Existentialism class notices me.

Gatorade/gallon of water from Wawa: If you can’t tell that I’m an athlete by my Penn Athletics jumpsuit, backpack, stoic demeanor, protruding biceps, or unintelligible comments, just check out this gallon of water! Sure, the season ended three months ago, but with every sip, I can relive the glory days: Week 4 against Dartmouth!

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