I’m a senior with time on my hands, so I read the news so you don’t have to. Here’s what’s news at Penn . . .

Buy

Ivy League entitlement: As we engage in what has come to be an annual debate every November on the meritocracy of Early Admissions, legacy applicants continue to successfully justify how being conceived from the sperm (or egg) of a Penn alum is a perfectly fair and objective measure of their academic ability.

No more diversity training: With the recent failure of diversity training at the University of Delaware, diversity is the new hot topic in today’s issue of the DP. After DuBois college house was deemed the metaphorical “whipping boy” (no pun intended) for culture-based residential programs at Penn last week, the American Indian Cultures residential program, East Asia House residential program, and the Latin American residential programs all breathed a collective sigh of relief as they went unnoticed for doing the exact same thing.

Sell

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Wow, what a crazy weekend.

It’s during times like these we have to take it back to basics. Time for another edition of a Penn favorite…Buy, Sell, and Hold.

Buy

Ivy League Guard-Dogs: According to today’s DP, “Unattended theft has gone skyrocketing,” on campus in areas such as Van Pelt library. Turns out Ivy League kids, despite having everything they want, still find a reason to commit petty crime. Who knew? Look for confused parents, unable to accept the truth their babies have sticky fingers, to blame this on the West Philadelphia community.

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Common $ense

It’s the second Thursday of October and that can mean only one thing.

Buy

‘you a drank: Now you got that money in the bank, celebrate the end of job recruiting. Didn’t get the job you wanted? Don’t fret, I hear Teach for America is still hiring–not that there is anything wrong with that.

Men with job offers: With salaries set until fiscal year 2009, ladies have guidance on the earnings expectations for Penn’s senior class. Expect dating volume to rise as ambitious women previously waiting on the sidelines finally know which men to go after.

Lawn chairs: Reserve your spot outside of the Upper Quad gate on November 1st to watch girls do the post-Halloween walk of shame in ridiculous costumes.

Social Planning and Events Committee (SPEC): After three consecutive years of horrible concert decisions, activist investor Carl Icahn is buying up stock ahead of the next meeting in order to have enough votes to fire the executive board.

Sell

Your ego: With grades from the first midterms to be released, the bottom 25 percent of Penn will realize that, contrary to what their mothers told them, they were never really that special after all. Look for applications requesting “medication” from CAPS to coincidentally rise.

Yet another Lee Stetson story: Let’s just all concede that we’ll probably never know the truth as to why the former Penn Dean of Admissions abruptly left. It’s time to move on to the next non-event.

Hold

…off on freshmen relationships: Long distance relationships with high school sweethearts will end after Thanksgiving and Penn will be flooded with emotionally vulnerable 18 year-olds selling at distressed prices. When dealing with women, always look to buy on signs of weakness.

Common $ense will appear more frequently (not just Tuesday and Thursdays) when school resumes, so bookmark the site to stay updated. Have a great Fall Break!

Common $ense

That’s tough competition.

On what was a pretty tame day in the markets, two seemingly unrelated events caught my attention. For one, cosmetic manufacturer Bare Escentuals, Inc. (Ticker: BARE ) spiked over 11 percent on a “Buy” recommendation. As for the second event…

…the season premiere of Grey’s Anatomy!

Why do I love this show you may ask? Is it for the Emmy-winning actresses, the cool soundtrack or the backstage fights?

It’s for one thing only - unrealistically hot surgeons with problems.

Normally, I consider myself to be a pretty man. My addition to the DP staff has considerably raised the level of sexual tension in the office. I only hope you aren’t so mesmerized by my 1-inch portrait at the top of the screen as to not finish reading this post. It is difficult, I understand.

But alas, my beauty can’t hold a candle to Dr. McDreamy, Dr. McSteamy, and don’t forget the now infamous Dr. Mc-I-was-fired-for-being-an-asshole. Surely they and the ladies on set must be made up like China-dolls; of course, without the toy safety hazards a la Mattel.

Could the return of America’s favorite melodramatic doctors foretell good things for BARE going forward?

Looking at the way BARE’s stock rose rapidly from just one upgrade, and not even from a major bank, leads me to believe there was short covering. In other words, people have been betting on the stock to fall for so long, they decided to buy it back on the first sign of good news to protect their profits.

Some preliminary research of mine found investors have been wary on the company due to weakness in sales from their high-margin infomercial business.

Several Penn women I know have professed their loyalty to BARE’s strong product line. Despite the slowdown in infomercials, BARE is still the top selling cosmetic product at stores such as Sephora. Their industry-leading products should reach a wider pool of customers with more store-owned boutiques on the way.

I expect the stock to come down after the knee-jerk reaction Wednesday. However, with its price down over 24 percent in the past three months, longer-term believers should pick up shares on weakness. I’m not a buyer due to my ignorance regarding makeup, however I’m bullish on any company whose products attempt to make Penn girls look better.

Common $ense appears every Tuesday and Thursday.

Common $ense

It’s the second Thursday of the month, and back by popular demand is another edition of Buy, Sell, and Hold, where I provide the Penn community with much needed investment advice.

Buy:

The Spin (shameless plug): Not satisfied with the Wall Street Journal? Rumor has it Rupert Murdoch is bidding for the entire Daily Pennsylvanian to add to his empire. I look forward to being part of the Fox News staff. Now that’s what I call journalism!

Wharton Class of 2010: Considering about 20 percent of them got caught cheating on the OPIM 101 project last semester, they have definitively proved that Wharton students do know how to share. Thanks, guys, for killing the nasty stereotype that you’re cutthroat. You made me look like the prophet Nostradamus in my NSO guest editorial where I touted your collaboration.

Fire extinguishers: From 39th and Delancey streets, to 41st and Walnut streets, all the way to Hutchinson Gym, these random fires and explosions have made Penn seem like the set of 24.

Pottruck gym memberships: Thanks to Britney Spears, women across campus got a startling reminder of what happens when you get lazy and stop working out.

Business fraternities (All): Talk about vertical integration - kudos to you all for finding a way to roll up every single negative Wharton stereotype into one organizational structure. Brilliant!

Obviously this guy took my advice. (Photo by Chris Poliquin)

Sell:

1st semester freshmen who join business fraternities: I hate to break it to you, but acting like a tool and being hazed in public venues will not make you more attractive in the eyes of that Morgan Stanley recruiter.

Seniors with good job offers who are still recruiting: Getting more than one offer letter does not make you “hardcore.” Just sign your offer from JPMorgan and call it a day.

Readers who post nasty comments on DP blogs: Catching a small typo in an article does not give you the right to start cursing someone’s mother. If you think you are so clever, why don’t you just apply to be a writer?

DP print columnists: I don’t really have a good reason, these guys are actually damn good writers. It’s just that everyone loves a good old-fashioned rivalry and they’re an easier target than the sports section.

Hold:

Your remaining dignity: …for those of you who lost most of it during NSO. Friends make fun of me for being an early riser, but it is prime time to watch many walks of shame.

Look for my next installment, one month from now.

Common $ense appears every Tuesday and Thursday.