Last Friday, The New York Times publicized some frightening information: 1 out of every 100 American adults is currently incarcerated.

The report, conducted by the Pew Center on the States, asserts that 1.6 million adults are in federal prisons and an additional 700,000 are thumb-twiddling in local jails. The United States boasts the largest population of imprisoned people worldwide; China is second on the list.

When did going to prison become as common as a trip to Acapulco?

But the more I thought about it, the easier it was to put these figures into context.

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Graduate and realize: Penn’s like a friendly panhandler. You don’t know if he needs the money, but he hits you up so nicely (and so often), eventually you just give in.

OK — nothing like an exaggerated metaphor to start my Spin blogging career. In truth, I only get a monthly Penn fund reminder, and projects like the Postal Lands or a new Hill Field College House are worthy investments.

But as a potential donor, I’ve got to be honest — reading the paper makes me put the checkbook away. Any given day last year, I’d hit up The DP front page and see a student arrested for theft. For cybercrime. For panty stealing.

Living in D.C., it seemed like The DP added a rotating “Student arrested for ____” Mad Libs feature, filling the blank with a new and more exotic crime every few weeks.

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As the DP reported, Wharton junior Jason Myers fessed up to stealing all sorts of electronics from his fellow Harnwellians, proving once again that Harnwell is the worst high rise ever.

Oh, and by “fessed up” I mean his mom ratted him out to the police. Ouch!

The name rang a bell for me and a few other vigilant DP readers, who commented that our very own Mr. Penn is named Jason Myers as well.

Take a look at this admittedly disgusting video. Is that a USB flash drive in his orange panties or is he just excited to be performing?

Initially, the DP didn’t have a photo of Myers, so it was unclear whether or not Mr. Penn = Mr. Klepto. Lucky for you, I did about 3 minutes of research and found out the truth.
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Today in the Daily Pennsylvanian, Maureen Rush compared the recent crime spree at Penn to a bad George Clooney movie.

Three students arrested, two shootings, and two flashings. It sounds like the makings of a Penn version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”. Hopefully in the next week there’s four embezzling scams and five bikes stolen, so we can keep this thing going. But Rush sees the recent crime spree differently.

The crimes are “the perfect storm,” said Vice President for Public Safety Maureen Rush.

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Dear Penn Community,

As your Supreme Commander and new member of mayor-elect Michael Nutter’s transition team, I wanted to explain how Penn will contribute to this new administration. This list is not exhaustive. But it should give you a feel about who will be representing Penn in Nutter’s administration in the coming years.

Chairman of the ‘Philicon’ Valley Commission — Ryan Goldstein

Don’t think Philadelphia’s got the goods to be the next high-tech hot spot? Then you haven’t met Ryan Goldstein! Only a junior at Penn and already forging global computing cooperation, reaching out to the internet’s best and brightest, and still passing “Ethics and Social Responsibility for Engineers.” He will make AKILL-er appointment.

Deputy Mayor of “Safety” Initiatives — Rafael Robb

If I could describe this former economics professor in one word, it would be “honest“. With “hardly” a blemish to his name, he’s got the best plan to lead this city to “security.” Toe the line “Killadelphia,” or you might get Robb-ed!

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Engineering junior Ryan Goldstein is expected to be indicted today for his role in a world-wide computer hacking ring. Goldstein allegedly helped some New Zealand nerd named AKILL access Penn computers to use “as a staging ground for a 50,000-computer attack against several online chat networks.”

From what I can make out of the article, Goldstein was in a chat group called TAUNET, but there was some sort of fight and he got kicked out. Then he was like “oh no you didn’t”, and waving his finger joined another chat group to ask for revenge. There he found AKILL, the ringleader of a bot group called “The A Team.” AKILL then pitied the fool Goldstein and helped him launch an attack on TAUNET and other targets.

Possible accomplice?

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Finally, Penn provided answers to the question that has plagued campus this semester. Who is that kid, and why is his picture hanging above Fisher-Bennett?

According to today’s DP article, conceptual artist Braco Dimitrijevic’s “Casual Passer-By” Series attempts to exploit the “fickleness of celebrity” and pose questions about today’s society. Subject and College Sophomore Michael Howard apparently gets questions all the time about why his picture resides in such a prominent spot.

But Maureen Rush and her friends at DPS should probably take a cue from Dimitrijevic.

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My parents hate that I live in West Philadelphia. In fact, they hate the fact even more that technically I could live in the safe confines of our home in suburban Philadelphia, but would rather choose to live at school on a street that 34th Street voted most likely to get mugged on. I get daily emails about the crime logs and incessant phone calls reminding me to set the security alarm, all because we live in the hot bed of crime known as University City.

While my parents are thoroughly convinced that nothing could ever go wrong in the suburbs of the Mainline, little do they know that horrible crime is not just happening in our urban environment, but is also occurring at our neighboring suburban schools.

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In an email forwarded to many listservs yesterday, Undergraduate Assembly Chairman Jason Karsh demystified some of the rumors surrounding the two sexual assault incidents that occurred between 5 a.m. and 10:30 p.m. Monday.

No thanks to the ambiguous DPS email that went out last night, we now have the facts.

4000 Block of Spruce Incident:
-Yesterday morning at about 5AM a female student was sexually assaulted in her apartment
-the victim was not physically injured
-this was reported in the DP and was the 3rd incident of stranger rape that has occurred at Penn since 1994
-they are highly unusual but naturally have a deep impact on the psyche of those within our community

Security Guard Incident:
-A Penn student was offered to be escorted by an Allied Barton security officer, which is normal procedure if an escort sees someone walking home alone and is not currently on a call.
-The Allied Barton security officer, who has worked at Penn for nine months with no prior criminal background, exposed himself.
-He was quickly identified after the incident was reported and was taken into custody.
-He is no longer employed by Allied Barton. - NO UNIFORMS HAVE BEEN STOLEN. Any reports of stolen uniforms are false.

Of course, both incidents are horrible, and my thoughts and prayers go out to the victims of such random, disgusting crime.

What perturbs me the most is that the protocol for informing the campus of these events encourages student gossip and rumor to take over, flooding out the potential real dangers that we may or may not be facing.

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Penn students’ parents have varying levels of involvement in the college application process. Some make a long list and drag their offspring to each school; some, like mine, glance over a list of the student’s making, nod, and remark upon a few choices. My parents looked at the schools I was considering and immediately approved of most, but hesitated over Penn and Columbia.

“Philadelphia and New York are big cities — are you sure you’d feel comfortable and safe there?” they asked.

“Of course,” I answered. “I know I’m used to Oklahoma City’s general friendliness and safety, but no one would go to those schools if they were that dangerous, right?”

Apparently, I was covering my ears and humming to not hear what I knew — the crime rate in big cities is high, and the sexual assault rate in American colleges is a statistic often cited but seldom really contemplated.

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